Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Glenn Beck Show Generator


Swallowed as a single, sour dose, the average episode of Glenn Beck's nightly cable show goes down like liquid acid and produces just about the same result. To the uninitiated viewer, watching an hour of Beck's psychotic ravings, crackpot conspiracy theories, maudlin tales of personal tragedy, and generally demented sky-is-falling routine must feel a little like stepping out of reality and into a Dali painting. But while no one jumps the crazy train as far off the rails as Beck these days, there is a certain method to his madness -- you just have to take a couple of steps back and look at the big picture for it to come into focus. As with any kind of seemingly incomprehensible insanity, there are patterns amid the chaos; the hallucinatory mania that fuels Beck's delusional behavior actually adheres to a pretty strict set of rules, even if those rules are based on fantasies and thought processes only Beck himself understands.

In other words, there's a blueprint to his batshit luancy. His shows follow a relatively by-the-numbers formula. In fact, once you crack the code of crazy, just about anybody can put together an episode of the Glenn Beck show.

Give it a try yourself. Just follow the simple multiple choice format below.

Open & Welcome: Glenn says hello, thanks everyone for watching and spends a few minutes...

1. Repeatedly asking the director to zoom in on his face while he screams about how the United States is on the "road to socialism."

2. Misappropriating the works of Ayn Rand.

3. Adjusting himself in his seat and creepily stroking his nipples while making faces which would indicate that he's taking no small amount of pleasure in it.

Glenn then welcomes his first guest (who agrees with everything he says):

1. Dennis Miller

2. Art Bell

3. His psychiatrist

Followed by a second guest (who disagrees with everything he says):

1. Dennis Kucinich

2. Al Sharpton

3. Shepard Smith

Glenn points his doughy finger and tells the guest he's/she's...

1. An enemy of the state.

2. A "scumbag."

3. Melting right before his eyes.

Then, apropos of nothing, he compares Barack Obama to...

1. Hitler.

2. The 9/11 families -- whom he still hates.

3. Troy Sullivan, the kid who lived up the block from him as a child and would come by when no one was home and make him dress up in his sister's clothes for "afternoon tea," although there was never any tea -- just pain, so much pain.

...And blames him for...

1. ABC's decision to cancel Twin Peaks.

2. His erectile dysfunction.

3. Everything.

Glenn then boasts about...

1. The overwhelming public response to that ridiculous "912 Project" initiative.

2. The numbers his show is pulling down at Fox, particularly in comparison to what he was getting at CNN.

3. What a friend he has in Jesus.

...And introduces a brand new segment of the show with the obligatorily muscular sounding name:

1. "The War Chest"

2. "The Men's Room"

3. "The Tool Box"

The goal of which is to...

1. Map out various apocalyptic scenarios since the inauguration of Barack Obama, as a service to America's paranoid survivalist sociopath community.

2. Prove that the moon landing was a hoax.

3. Impress Sarah Palin.

Next, once again apropos of nothing, he blurts out something random and completely irrational, like...

1. "There it is! Do you hear that? Don't tell me you can't hear that!"

2. "We surround them!"

3. "The government!"

...And claims that _____ is _____:

1. FEMA/constructing internment camps for America's dwarf population

2. global warming/bullshit

3. he/so fucking high

He then begins to cry uncontrollably because, in his personal life...

1. His wife Tania is finally divorcing him.

2. His AA sponsor committed suicide.

3. The hemorrhoids are back.

Finally, he composes himself, smirks, chuckles, and reminds viewers that...

1. He's so fucking high.

2. Due to a tachyon bombardment created by Ozymandias, he doesn't, in fact, have the ability to see the future.

3. It's all an act to get ratings.

Glenn thanks his sponsor...

1. Entenmann's

2. Supercuts

3. Zoloft

...And plugs his...

1. Book.

2. Radio show.

3. Ears against the voices.

Close & Goodnight: Glenn says, "Thanks so much for joining us tonight, and remember to tune in to the show tomorrow for..."

1. "Day 1,113 of my sanity held hostage."

2. "My exclusive interview with an angry chimpanzee dressed as Lyndon LaRouche."

3. "The end of days."

Toss to Special Report with Bret Baier, go home and sleep it off.

55 comments:

Bill White said...

As expected, I'm offended by this, Chez. Since you're into formulas, you know what I'm writin' next: I'll pray for you.
Let me just say that I have a lot in common with Glenn. We both were on the drink. For me, I wrecked a 150 by doing a 360 and flew off the road into a Mississippi ditch only to be left for dead. Jesus pulled me out of the wreckage and gave me a second chance at life.
Glenn is on the same crusade: We're both trying to save America from ruin.
I know you're laughing at me and that's fine. You can laugh and call me any name you want. I know in my heart that I'm standing up for what's right. God Bless you, Chez. I love you and know that you will one day find the meaning of Christ. -Bill White

Mr. Controversy said...

"The Tool Box"...wait, did Tucker Carlson get ANOTHER show?

ntx said...

Glenn Beck comes off as a narcissist riffing naked in front of his own bathroom mirror.

When I read Bill's post, I started humming:

"Now all of a sudden she started to knockin'
And down in the dips she started to rockin'.
I looked in my mirror; a red light was blinkin'.
The cops was after my Hot. Rod. Lincoln."

Mad Texter said...

This is brilliant, and so much better than my morning tea.

Jeremy Feist said...

...3. The hemorrhoids are back.

Don't ask me why, but holy crap did this ever make me laugh. Like, REALLY hard.Can't say I've ever watched Glenn Beck, but I have seen the clip of him crying about how much he loves his country. Because, you know, people who don't agree with everything he says? Totally hate the US. It is FACT, just like creationism!

Anonymous said...

It is so sad yet expected that fox news is taping glenn beck losing his mind and showing it on tv.

It is a painful job, but somebody must do it.

I am waiting to hear any day now that "mr. beck has taken a leave of absence. We do not know when he will return" from the powers that be at fox.
I really thought that hannity would be the first after the election of President Obama, but I was wrong.

Chez said...

Beck is basically Howard Beale without the erudition or journalistic ethics.

VOTAR said...

Well, he IS right about that Twin Peaks thing.

Blue Gal said...

This post is going viral via email, btw. Very good job. And "my sanity held hostage" is perfect, just perfect.

VOTAR said...

Oh, and Bill (who, Tom, I assure you, is not really me):

There is a reason I only drop in here infrequently.

The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more.

Deacon Blue said...

VOTAR said:
The same joke told too many times is not funny any more
-------------------------

Oh, please, please could you convince my 3 year old of this? And the fact that telling the same story about a mundane daily event 8 times in a row isn't interesting, either. (Daddy, tell me about the person who ran the red light again...)

PLEASE?

(As for Bill White, he's more hit and miss than he used to be, but I still think it's more hit than miss...)

ntx said...

Chez, you inspired me to Google up some Glenn Beck. Found further evidence of hit batshitian tendencies in this piece from Daily Kos:

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/3/15/105724/472/86/708765

"Beck's conspiracy theory appears to be lifted directly from FOX Searchlight's 1998 movie The X-Files. In the film, a character named Alvin Kurtzweil (Martin Landau), warns FBI agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) about plans by FEMA to manufacture a federal emergency as a pretext for extending martial law, mass imprisonment, and totalitarian rule, thereby allowing a group of interplanetary aliens to take over the world."

Broadway Carl said...

Is Bill White Glenn Beck's producer?

RottweilerTOM said...

God grant me the serenity to deal with Bill White
To accept being gay which he cannot fix;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference between dumb shits and people who can think

cousinavi said...

I expect The Convergence to occur any day now.
It is, of course, inevitable...although impossible to say for certain just how it will come about.
Glenn Beck will announce a very special guest: Richard Quest, high on meth with a dildo in both boots and two strings around his neck - one encircling his own genitalia, the other knotted around Beck's useless little twig and berries.
The two will embark together on a telethon to save America from drugs, gays, socialists and those vicious bastards hovering just the other side of the moon.
There will be tears, threats, and a variety of abominations which will only cease when every last America signs a pledge to accept Jesus and follow Glenn Beck's twitter posts.

Anonymous said...

Glenn Beck dreams of a successful secession suicide in which he becomes the reincarnation of Jefferson Davis and becomes the new president of the Confederate States of America. Glenn, if you read E.L. Doctorow's "The March" you would know that General Sherman burnt down plantation mansions with a vengeance in South Carolina (a higher percentage than in Georgia). As soon as Sherman entered North Carolina he let up on the torching. When I have a choice of worst person in the world and I must choose between Bill O'Reilly, Russ Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck I ALWAYS pick Glenn Beck! Posted by Yetijuice

kanye said...

Better get ready to fire up a "Welcome New Readers" post, Chez. Where Blue Gal points, people go.

lakelady said...

Chez, your recent trip to the beach has obvioulsy done you good! Another great piece.

ntx - your imagery is now seared into my brain for the day and I don't know if I can forgive you for that

cousinavi - you nearly made me snort my morning tea out my nose and all over my keyboard! you are soooo sick and twisted. I love it!

Anonymous said...

This is outstanding!

Anonymous said...

Bill White is NOT standing up for what is right! He's standing up self-fellating. Quite a feat!

Alex said...

I knew Entenmann's was evil! I knew it! They're products are just to delicious not be.

Trixi said...

Why did Jesus put Bill White in a ditch? Why does Jesus hate Bill White?

countryjoe said...

Beck is a Dick head. No really. It you take a drawing instrument of some sort and draw a face on the head of your pecker it will look exactly like Glenn Beck. All I see when I see Glenn Beck is a peckerhead.

david said...

Now this is the Chez I adore. Good to see you back in true form.

c. e. brown said...

Can I just say that

"I wrecked a 150 by doing a 360 and
flew off the road into a Mississippi ditch"

is a sweet country lyric.

CenPaMom said...

Chez - as a daily reader (and occasional comment poster), I couldn't help but weigh in. I had the AWFUL misfortune of having to work with this jerk my first year in radio, where he sexually harassed me on the air and had the gaul to tell me that "it's my f____ing show and if you don't like it, too bad." Suffice it to say, at the time, being very new in the business and not wanting to be "blackballed," I soon resigned and worked elsewhere...and I wasn't the only one who had to feel his wrath. He was AWFUL to people. I don't care what his excuses were...he has a ton of them and still does. In addition to treating people like crap at the station (am/fm combo) where I worked, he also had time to cheat on his wife...and magically "came to his senses" years later before going to Miami and then (perish the thought) going national. He says he's a changed man, but for someone who continues to be so delusional on his radio and TV shows, I seriously doubt that. He's lucky that he hasn't run into me since I left that horrible work environment.
I suppose he's getting the ratings, but that's only because he changed from a left wing lunatic (when he hosted the morning show on KC101 in New Haven, Ct.) to his "staunch" neo-Conservative stance.
Based on some of the comments here, it's apparent that many see him for what he is..and what he likes to call so many people -- a SCUM BAG.

--faithful reader in Central PA

Chez said...

Thanks so much for reading and for your comment. I had a distinct feeling he fit the typical "neurotic, narcissistic radio loud-mouth" profile.

CenPaMom said...

Chez - no, thank you...I know it was a long post, but as I'm sure you remember your first days in the news business...when someone treats you so horribly, you never forget it...and there were other women who were subjected to his awful, beyond unprofessional antics. I can only hope that one day (maybe divorce number two ?) karma hits with full force.

Great blog (and I love Jayne and Inara's posting/pictures too)...
Keep up the good work :)

Anonymous said...

CenPaMom, so his dickishness is not an act. I kinda figured.

KC101 in New Haven! I sometimes listened to that station. I may have listened to him back in the day. Most likely I yelled at the dashboard and called him an FN douchebag.

winged unicorn said...

they don't carry entenmenn's in the more backassed parts of this country.

deacon, your 3 yo repeating himself endlessly is normal. if he's still doing it when he's 53, his wife will divorce him.

Bill White said...

I think Jesus put me in that ditch to teach me a lesson. I have that 150 in my backyard up on blocks with weeks growing around it to remind me of the spiritual emptiness that I had over 30 years ago when I was drinking fifths of Jim Beam while blasting Allman Brothers 8-tracks in that truck. My life was a mess and Daddy and MaMa disowned me by that point. I deserved to fly off that road with my long-flowing blond hair flapping in the wind.
Now I have been reading what y'all say about Glenn. Maybe I've got blinders on, but I just see a changed man who found God and family values. I think a lot of folks out there are like me and have a connection with him.
Here's a funny story, Chez: A big, fat black crow flew into that old 150 in my yard and found a full can of Bud. The bird pecked the can and drank every last drop. He tried to fly, but fell to the ground drunk on his dang tail! Maybe Jesus was trying to tell him something!

republikant said...

Bill, sounds to me like you might be hitting the drink again.

Your stories have nothing to do with the story in question, and yet you keep bringing them up as supposed evidence to refute Chez. The only people I know who use a similar strategy are incomprehensible drunks. I hope you can get the help you need, Jesus loves you!

Joel said...

Bill, maybe you ended up in the ditch because you were drunk and lived for the same reason some die; life is capricious and random.
As for the crow, I’d be worried that Jesus was giving life lessons to or feathered friends with everything else going on.
More importantly, I'm worried that Beck's rants are resonating with the unstable and soon we will have murder/suicide notes citing ole Glenn as their inspiration

johnb said...

Maybe the real reason for Beck's madness is that it makes the rest of what's on Fox look rational and well measured by contrast.
I can just hear the viewer's comment now, "Of course I don't believe everything I see on Fox, Glenn Beck's a nut." "But I trust Hannity, and O'Reilly "

Anonymous said...

Regarding Beck conspiracy theory wingnuttery..
During the Presidency of frat-boy Bush conspiracy theorists and 'militia' members were referred to as fringe kooks by most of the media. Talk of secession was considered un-patriotic at best. Now that a Dem (or is it an African-American Dem that scares them the most?) is president FOX-Snooze and other media sources are stoking the fires of secession (Chuck Norris anyone?) and conspiracy theories. Disengenuous, intellectualy defunct scum. Nope, Beck's not nuts, he's just playing to an audience, the same audience that was ridiculed and reviled by the neo-conservatives and their mouth pieces for daring suggest that Bush and Cheney were complicit on 9-11. The same 'militia' members that were arrested for carrying Pocket Constitutions. The same 'trouble makers' that were called "terrorist lovers" for calling out the Bush administration for its assault on our civil liberties. I just hope that 'truthers' have the ability to discern the dishonesty at play here and see how they're being duped.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious article, but lets show a little compassion for Bill and his addiction and we should have a recovery plan for Glen.

What steps does Glenn need to take to return to sanity?

1. If you are taking mood altering prescription drugs, stop. If you are not, start.

2. If you are not currently getting phsychiatric help, start. If you are, get a new Dr.

3. Realize that FOX is your enabler and doesn't care about you. They only care that people tune in every day to see if this is the day the padded wagon comes for you.

Jaycubed said...

Chez said...

"Beck is basically Howard Beale without the erudition or journalistic ethics."

Or the slightest connection to or concern for his fellow human beings.

Beck is more like the stains in Howard Beale's underwear.

Anonymous said...

Bill White:

I was talking with jesus just this morning, and he said that he was nowhere near your accident and had nothing to do with it.

Batocchio said...

Good stuff! Most hosts have some sort of rough blueprint, but Glenn Beck delivers an awfully noxious product.

(Although "misappropriating the works of Ayn Rand" is probably only slightly worse than "insisting that the works of Ayn Rand would make for great policy despite all evidence to the contrary.")

Anonymous said...

this is why i've stuck around. i had a blast reading this piece.

Bill said...

Brilliant!

It's my firm belief that Fox employs Beck in order to make the likes of O'Reilly and Hannity appear stable and sane by comparison.

Anonymous said...

LOL, I so enjoyed that. Art Bell? Classic.

Zeromark said...

*Cough*
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=911_morons

Towards the bottom.
I figure any well-written slander against Glenn Beck deserves another.

And the hemorrhoids joke make me laugh too.

Anonymous said...

Change about 11 words in here, and this whole post could be about Olbermann.

Dickey Sue said...

Bill, that's just funny as hale. Your long blond hair was a flappin in tha wind, while Greg Allman was a sangin on tha 8 track. You're gonna have to get you a banjo and slap that shit down to some music.

Taylor said...

Your Ozymandius line is killer. Had me chuckling for at least 5 minutes.

Lavelle said...

The funny thing is that Glenn would get the biggest kick out of this post. He'll laugh, as I did for a minute, then go on with saving America from the "Fiery Pits of Hell" along side Jeeezus Christ and the Spirit of our Forefathers!

Just kidding. See, even Conservative Christians can have a sense of humor, which comes in handy with the Obama Administration. :)

The fact is that many of the Democrats that got sucked into the Obama phenomenon are realizing he's further left than what the liberal mainstream media portrayed. So, both Obama and the left wing media are quickly losing trust, cause no one likes to get duped.

Several Democratic leaders are jumping ship cause they're realizing Obama's socialistic ship is sinking.

More and more of our young voters and future voters are realizing that maybe socialism looks good on a t-shirt, but carries the burden of a heavy price tag.

Liberty-loving Conservatives and Libertarians are finally starting to come together - thanks in part to Glenn, which is why he's being attacked.

Bible study classes are becoming more and more accepted as an elective in School districts around the Country.

Take a look around. Common sense conservatives are beginning to speak out. Constitutional Conservatism is making a come-back because it's provided the most freedom, liberty, justice, civility, and prosperity in the history of the world.

Folks are realizing that Free Enterprise and Capitalism has made even the poorest Americans among the richest people in the world.

Despite your mockery, Cristianity is growing faster than any other time in recent history because people like Glenn Beck are reminding others that our liberty and freedom ultimately comes from a loving God - not Government.

Like it or lump it, but the pendulum is swing back to the right.

Chez said...

Sorry, Lavelle -- we've already got one hilariously satirical take on the stupidity of the Christian right around here, and no offense but Bill White does it better.

Tom said...

So who wrote this for you? I know you didn't step away from the bong long enough to do it yourself...must have cost $50 to get the geeky guy from the quantum physics class to come to your house and do it for you.

Syndromeofadown said...

Tell me your name really isn't fucking "chez". Your parents must be funnier than Bill White.

Anonymous said...

one day Glenn Beck will be asked to visit Bellevue psyco ward, and never be let out,

Anonymous said...

Wow... You people sadden me... One man on one news station decides to take a stand against the awful biased controlled media in bed with big business and the government, and you people slander him... He never spouts random nonsensical insanity, all of the things he says are either jokes, truth, or his own opinions. If someone told you elitist stereotypical liberals that you are insane because of your beliefs you would be upset... Damn you people!!! I for one am glad that out of all the standard news networks and news shows that are biased and liberal we have one conservative news network with several news anchors, including Beck that take no sides but simply report news and current events based on their views. Views of which are shared by thousands if not millions of individuals tired of people and news networks like you... I pity all of you including the ones who will make fun of my comment because I do not believe what you believe... I pity you... So long, Godspeed

Chez said...

I'd love to confront your ridiculous arguments, but honestly I'm too busy laughing at you.

Anonymous said...

I love Glenn Beck, he has the balls to tell it like it is.
Sorry to all the zombies!

Brad Roe Sr. said...

Wow! I am suprised at the vitriol I read here. I too will pray for you sir and hope that you find joy in something good for once. I research what Glen Beck says thoroughly and find he speaks the truth. I have observed his 'rantings' and find them heartfelt and honest. Of course, the Huffington post that you work for accepts major cash donations from George Soros who has a beef with Glen for exposing his plan for the U.S. monetary system. How much are YOU getting paid to deride him sir? Your boss also says the same things that Mr. Soros says. Post this if you are truthfull and honest, sir, and take your best shot and please, please, keep your comments to that which you can prove and cite sources. As I said before, my prayers are for you and those you work with.