Monday, February 23, 2009

Fool's Gold (2009 Oscars Edition)


25 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made To Each Other During the 81st Annual Academy Awards (and Pre-Show) Last Night:

1. "I think that outfit will really serve Miley well during the joust competition."

2. "I did. In a sweatshop in Mumbai." (Said after Seacrest asked one of the kids from Slumdog Millionaire who made her dress)

3. "Well, that was gay."

4. "You suppose that big tent the stars have to go through is for delousing?"

5. (Uncontrollable Laughter) (Upon hearing Miley Cyrus say that she hopes to be back at the Kodak accepting an Oscar next year for Hannah Montana: The Movie)

6. Jayne: "Beyonce's such a lightweight. She's so desperate to be taken seriously." Chez: "(Groans) Where's Chris Brown when you need him?"

7. "Wow. Rogen went from smoking pot to obviously doing meth."

8. "In keeping with Hollywood's 'Earth-friendly' theme, Sarah Jessica Parker went really green by skipping the limo and just pulling Broderick in a cart to the show tonight."

9. "Well, that was really gay."

10. "Aniston's totally gonna jump offstage and cut Angelina."

11. "Taraji P. Henson. Yes we can."

12. "You know the janitor will be thrilled that Penelope Cruz's dress dusted the stage for him."

13. "Can I adopt you?" (Upon hearing Seacrest ask Freida Pinto what Angelina Jolie said to her when they met)

14. "LED-GER. LED-GER." (Said in unison after Heath Ledger's name was announced)

15. "Fuck Penn."

16. "I've seen the faces of the Final Five." (Upon seeing the five former Best Supporting Actress winners appear from behind their pictures onstage -- the first time that very silly technique was used during the night)

17. "GODZILLA!" (Said as the director of the Best Animated Short, Kunio Kato, and his all-Japanaese staff came onstage to accept their Oscar)

18. "Yeah, I'm going to hell." (Said about ten seconds later)

19. "Stiller, for the win."

20. "Latifah should break out into Ladies First during the death reel."

21. "Ladies and gentlemen, Ego-palooza." (Said as the former Best Actress winners vied for the most face time onstage)

22. "Jesus, when Inara's bad I'm gonna tell her that if she doesn't behave, Sophia Loren will crawl out from under a rock, snatch her, and take her away to the netherworld."

23. "Well, that was just gayer than gay."

24. "They need to move this along. At midnight, the cast of Slumdog's visas expire."

25. "Hey, at least Renee Zellweger wasn't there."

42 comments:

Vermillion said...

Okay those were funny.

You are still going to hell, but those were funny.

And I was about to get pissed about the Sophia Loren joke, but then I realized I was thinking of Raquel Welch instead, and let it go.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Man, I didn't even get past the 'Chris Brown' comment. That was probably one of the funniest things you've ever come up with (in a benevolently evil kinda way).

George said...

A question - did the whole "former-winners-come-out-and-slob-nominees-format" lose its charm pretty quickly, or was that just me?

Except for Cuba Gooding Jr. saying that Robert Downy was staring in a remake of "Shaft," the entire exercise was a waste of time.

Jonah said...

"Angelina, you look radiant, who are you wearing tonight?" "I am wearing a gown from Elie Saab, and jewlery courtesy of Lex Luthor."

Dennis Prouse said...

You'll be sorry you said mean things about Renee Zellweger when she wins Best Actress next year for "New In Town". She was, though, helped tremendously by the strong screen presence of Harry Connick Jr.

Anonymous said...

Without a doubt one of your best columns. Hilarious! This is why I check out your website several times a day. Nice work.

mixtapetherapy said...

I swear, I look forward to this post every year...

RottweilerTOM said...

And the Academy goes to the Gays!

Thank you, I will take mine now.

Anonymous said...

in regards to #5.. don't laugh too hard.. remember you are talking about the Oscars (aka: the biggest practical joke of mankind since jesus)

Mr. Controversy said...

You know what pissed me off last night? No love whatsoever for Frost/Nixon. And I was really hoping to get to complete the trilogy with Frost/Nixon II: Dick Harder and Frost/Nixon III: Slaughtergate.

Jeremy Feist said...

Honestly, it should be taken as a given that The Oscars will invariable be gayer than gay. It couldn't get any gayer if Kathie Griffin was hosting it. Although I do love Kathie Griffin. I also might have audibly shrieked when words started pouring out of Sophia Loren's face-hole.

Web Dunce said...

Mickey Rourke totally got screwed last night. He should have taken that best actor award hands down. I like Sean Penn, but come on already. I have never seen the kind of preparation Rourke did for his role, and I'm not even talking about the physicality of it.

And is it me, or is there something uncomfortably shifty about Danny Boyle?

Anonymous said...

I sort of liked bringing out previous winners to honor each nominee. For the first time, "just to be nominated is an honor", was true. And it saved all the time seeing a clip of every actor before the winner is announced. I think it was the shortest telecast in years, wasn't it?

Anonymous said...

Anon. 2:42, I absolutely loved that part of the show, too. I also thoroughly enjoyed all the clips from previous winners. Was it just me, or did Charloton Heston get little to no applause during the I'll be Seeing You montage? Maybe it was just me since that part made me cry after just recently losing my father.

ttraining said...

Hey how come you didn't include

"That was really Jew-y" when Spielberg spoke

or

"That was really Paki" when Rahman won for Slumdog

or

"That was really Spic-like" when Penelope Cruz won

or

"That was really niggardly" when Viola Davis lost?

Oh, that's right, because "that's really gay" is an acceptable insult (and don't give me any enlightened bullshit -- it's still used as a slur).

What an embarrassment.

Bill White said...

I held a counter-Oscar party with Delores last night. We do this every year where we take the top film contenders and make them conservative-friendly.

* "Wholemilk"-The story of Harold Wholemilk, a homosexual mayor of Maple, MS who gets fixed, marries a beautiful woman, has four kids and starts a church where they fix other homosexuals.

*"The Curious Case of Carl Cufflinks"-The story of an old drug addict who ages backwards, becomes clean and sober, finds God and Jesus and starts a church where he fixes homosexuals.

*"The Non-Reader"-The story of a gorgeous woman who never reads, stays home, cooks, cleans and starts a church where she fixes homosexuals.

*"Mexican Millionaire"-The story of an illegal Mexican worker in Mississippi who sneaks back to his country, wins money on a game show and is then caught. He gets out of trouble by giving half of his winnings to the Minutemen and the other half to a church he starts in Mississippi where he fixes homosexuals.

This is the only way I can stomach these leftist Oscar awards. I wish my cable system would block this night of left-wing cheerleading. Also, is Sean Penn an American? Call Sen. Shelby and check his papers!

God Bless you Godless Oscar watchers,
BW

Aaron X said...

I have to say that Hugh Jackman was really abominable, he tried hard I'll give him that, but he really didn't seem comfortable in the role, and as a song and dance man, he leaves a hell of lot to be desired. I suppose that's the problem with being a star, nobody around you has the guts to tell you when you're not good at something. Instead they allow you to go out and embarrass yourself in front of the whole world and all your peers. I saw that Jackman gave a nod to the producer of the musical number, and when the camera flashed on him, he made a face like, oh God, I'm embarrassed to be associated with this fiasco, my career is probably over. :-)

And I don't see why the Academy awards would try to tamp down the production cost, and production values, because one of the things people want when they watch the awards, is an escape from their lives and the every day crap they have to deal with, just as when they go to the movies, not be reminded by Hollywood that everybody is hurting. Obviously whoever produced this show didn't understand what the entertainment industry is supposed to do when times are tough.

And I could care less about star power or seeing a bunch of overexpose stars flashing their faces at the awards. I much preferred seeing all those little kids and teenagers from Mumbai having a ball. They deserve to be seen by the people of the world much more than a bunch of aging stars who could really care less whether they are seen at an awards show anyway.

On the plus side, Will Smith was a breath of fresh air, adding some real personality and charisma to a show that was badly lacking in that department. And it was still a great show because all the people who really deserved to get some recognition, got some.

Kate Winslet who seems to live and breathe for recognition and validation, finally got what she so obviously and desperately needed. I always like seeing people who are that desperate for external validation get what they crave, but it was a little disturbing to watch here and at the Golden globes. God knows what she would have done if she hadn't won, gone into some kind of catatonic despair or suicidal depression and taken it out on everyone around her. I'm sure her family is relieved and appreciates the glory that Kate will be basking in over the days and weeks to come. I'm just messing with her a little bit, but seriously the girl is a little too desperate to be validated by her peers for my taste. I think she may actually have something of an emotional problem in that department, though perhaps many actors have a similar problem to a greater or lesser extent. Still the woman's neediness and the degree of relief she was displaying seemed a little frightening. Maybe I'm just being a little too hard on her because she rubs me the wrong way a bit. Nevertheless I'm glad she won, for all our sakes. :-)

The best moment of the evening was certainly Sean Penn's win for best actor and his speech which was fantastic. I knew after I saw Milk that they had to give him an Oscar for that performance. Also I'm so glad that he mentioned the struggle for equal rights that the movie highlighted. Apparently there were protesters outside of the awards, which Sean mentioned, and how ashamed the grandchildren of the people who fought to take away people's rights will be of them one day.

Sean never pulls any punches, and he was dead on target to call these people out for their shameful un-American behavior. And all those who were silent, and said nothing while good people had their rights strip from them during the last election. All of them should be ashamed as well, and I promise that one day, one day perhaps sooner than you think, you certainly will be. Maybe down the road one of your granddaughters or grandsons will come to you and asks you directly, why you were silent. And when you have no answer I wonder how you will feel. Perhaps on that day you will reflect on your silence today and regret and hang your head, and wish that you'd had the courage to stand up when it counted.

I haven't seen Slum Dog Millionaire, but I think I'm going to watch it tonight, along with The Wrestler. I'm behind on my movie watching, I think I'll try to see all the films that were nominated for best picture.

Aaron X said...

Sean Penn wins Best Actor at the 2009 Academy awards

Chez said...

ttraining --

For the record, "niggardly" means lazy. It's not a racial insult.

Oh yeah, and you really need to avoid this site from now on if you're that easily offended.

Anonymous said...

When someone says "that was gay," meaning "that was lame," yes, it's offensive. When someone says "that was gay" to say "that was gay?" Not the same thing.

littlebitoffiesty said...

yeah, dammit!

Jeff said...

My thoughts when Sarah Jessica Parker was announcing Best Costume. "wow, what a clothes horse"

Anonymous said...

nig⋅gard⋅ly
   /ˈnɪgərdli/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [nig-erd-lee] Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. reluctant to give or spend; stingy; miserly.
2. meanly or ungenerously small or scanty: a niggardly tip to a waiter.
–adverb
3. in the manner of a niggard.

Chez said...

Actually, the show was overwhelmingly gay. As in, "it would appeal to homosexuals."

I never specifically said this was a negative trait, by the way -- just that it happens to be so.

Chez said...

Webster? Is that you???

ttraining said...

High school kids say "that was gay" as an insult; I know, I work with them. I assume that because you're married that you're an adult, which makes me embarrassed that you would use that expression repeatedly, not just in the privacy of your home, but on your public forum. Maybe you could clarify what it is that made the show overwhelmingly gay, as in it would appeal to homosexuals? The dance numbers? The glittering lights? What? I'm just perplexed by anyone wanting to use that expression. I watched the Super Bowl and not once did I think or utter the phrase, "that's so straight".

And I'm not easily offended. In fact, I've been coming to this site very frequently for months and I've been offended by multiple postings, but not to the point where I felt I should write a response.

Your reaction that I should stop coming here if I'm so easily offended is kind of juvenile. It would be too bad if you're right.

Chez said...

You think that you have to be an adult to be married? Well, there's your first problem.

Listen, I use that expression in this public forum because it is, in fact, my forum and it's within my right to say it -- particularly since I don't find the term the least bit offensive (nor do a lot of gay people who come here regularly, although that has no bearing on whether or not I'd use it). If you're embarrassed, well then I guess I'll have to learn to live with that. If you're regularly offended by the content here yet continue to frequent this site, it speaks volumes about your state of mind.

What I find interesting is that, contrary to your original comment, I actually do make "offensive" cracks about other people and groups (the shots at the cast of Slumdog being a prime example), and yet you seem to hone in only on my use of the word "gay" -- as if that supposed slight somehow rises above every other crude joke on this site by targeting the only group that's specifically off-limits.

And as for you finding me juvenile -- once again, I think I'll get over it.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

They don't call the Oscars the Gay Super Bowl for nothing. The best moment of the night came for me before the actual ceremony, when the secondary gay male reporter cornered Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and started gushing about how stunning they were and they basically shoved him away.

Also Mickey Rourke got totally robbed, but now he can do the Ram Jam at Wrestlemania and not hurt his serious actor cred.

Burns said...

Heh, although I'm with Chez on this one and think everyone is fair game for insults, what I find particularly amusing about this is that I'm sitting here with some of my law school classmates, one of whom happens to be homosexual. I was considering asking how he weighs in on this one when my other friend made a comment about some stupid procedural thing in the work he's doing. The response from my gay friend? "That's gay". Then right on back to work.

There are grains of truth to every stereotype and really, when something like that is uttered, it isn't with hate or bigotry in mind (for the most part), it is essentially because there are behaviors and situations which evoke stereotypes in our mind. When you think gay stereotypes, you think flamboyant, over the top, fashion and glitz obsessed madness. I actually think Chez's use here was the LEAST offensive time to use the term.

Oh, and high school kids are idiots. Everyone knows this, that's why we slap them in the back of the head when they say something like that without any recognition for how, without any of the context that experience and thoughtful discussion provides. For them it is insult without realization, and that is what needs to be pointed out. Then when they understand better, they can choose to be as offensive as they wish, like a responsible adult.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Geez, with everything else going on in the world, how can you actually justify whinging about some silly 'gay' comment? Get a fucking grip (no pun intended).

And for the record Chez, I too find you juvenile and offensive. And niggardly. And grumpy. And sneezy. And dopey. And doc (... err, wait, not that last one).

I know, citing to a Disney Movie -- that's so fucking gay.

VOTAR said...

That's completely trig.

Suzy said...

lighten up about the gay thing. context, context, context. if this site harped on "gay" as a descriptive adjective for everything i'd have a problem with it. but for christ's sake it's an oscar-night smackdown column. meant to have tongue firmly placed in cheek. making that sort of comment to a predominantly uneducated, culturally unaware audience who wouldn't understand the nuance of language WOULD be irresponsible and embarrassing, but, obviously, by the content and commentary regularly posted on this site, i'm not sure that's what's happening. take a step back. and breathe...

Suzy said...

thank you votar. thank you!!

Chez said...

It's okay, Votar. You can say the word "retard." I don't think it will piss off ttraining.

Unless you say "gay retard."

Aaron X said...

Repost to TNR

For the record, I think Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker was one-of-a-kind, phenomenal by any measure, a tour de force. I've watched the movie a couple of times now since I saw it in the theater, and his performance alone elevated an otherwise dismal rather poorly directed overly message heavy movie, to the level of cult and classic status. In my opinion it was certainly the most riveting, most convincing portrayal of a comic book villain, or any villain for that matter, that I've ever seen, and I was a comic book reader and collector in my youth.

While his performance may have been affected by his emotional difficulties, Ledger did what all the greatest performers attempt to do, take those most painful and difficult struggles from within themselves, dig down into those deepest darkest corners of their psyche and reveal them, making themselves completely vulnerable for everyone to see, and leaving it all on the screen for our entertainment and to marvel at for as long as the record last. And there is certainly true genius and genuine courage in that.

Perhaps he couldn't have done it without the problems he was having, but he did do it, he did it when he didn't really need to because his career was pretty much made after Broke Back Mountain. As a performer the man was on his way to becoming a truly great actor, and truly great actors are a genuine rarity in Hollywood today, especially these days in an era when many actors just phone their performances in once they've established a name for themselves.

With Heath Ledger's passing we have all been deprived of an authentic and powerful talent.

Anonymous said...

I'm more upset about the person talking crap about Kate Winslet. I just love her :(

Anonymous said...

if a gay retard acted niggardly, is it their fault or do they just not know any better?

Anonymous said...

As a frequent reader, I, also wince at the use of "gay" as a derogatory jab. The current PSAs one finds on tv is a controlled effort to hopefully change the minds of those who use it. It is a word (in the context of name calling) that a large number of people find offensive. I don't think you were trying to offend, but, as some of the people who have commented have been told to lighten up, I thought I'd represent add my collective voice to help change the acceptance of using gay as an insult. The only way we can take away the power of the word as it's most commonly used is to actively campaign against that use.

Okay, soapbox, off.

Anonymous said...

The 7-elevens nationwide will close next Monday in honor of the slumdog cast.

Figgylicious said...

Oh man, I really should be offended at the Chris Brown but I'm laughing too damn hard because RIGHT FUCKING ON about Beyonce.

winged unicorn said...

we turned off the oscars after 30 minutes and had wild sex. for hours. and hours. and hours.

i think my outfit was a prize winner [smirk]

btw, all my gay friends are fine with straights using the phrase 'that was gay' to mean 'that was stupid'

what is it about guys with the last name Brown? chris brown, bobby brown...

Anonymous said...

No comment about whether or not Goldie Hawn had nipples under that dress?