Friday, January 30, 2009

Quote of the Week


"Thank you for your support! Stay positive, and pray out loud!"

-- newly minted country music cliché Jessica Simpson, to a crowd of fans after her show in Charlottesville, Virginia

(One can only imagine that Simpson herself recently prayed for a Kentucky Fried Chicken supply truck to overturn in front of her home.)

34 comments:

The other Fred said...

"(One can only imagine that Simpson herself recently prayed for a Kentucky Fried Chicken supply truck to overturn in front of her home.)"

...and apparently, a supply of "mom" jeans.

kanye said...

Cue Fetchin' Bones.

Anonymous said...

Actually I think she looks better than she did, if you remove that awful belt. At least she looks like a real person now.....rather than, I am not sure what she looked like before, but it was kind of trashy. Sorry Jessica.

MataHari said...

I'm a curvy girl but daaaamn. That outfit is not helping any. C'mon chica, have some sense and beat the hell out of your stylist.

SteveR said...

Slumming, Chez?

The Central Scrutinizer said...

I'd hit it!

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Funny that at this Virginia show she was wearing a big boxy jacket and you can clearly see the line of her Spanx girdle through her leather pants. She's not fat for the real world but all that fair food isn't good for the bod, Jess. But hey, Romo's from Wisconsin, they like their heifers up there.

Stephen said...

Is she sporting a gunt now?

Jeremy said...

You know, I got a thing for thick girls. I prefer a woman shaped like a woman to one shaped like a 12 year old boy.
But those belts are just unfortunate. I think they'd even push up the skin on an extremely thin person and make them look bad.

But, regardless, I wouldn't "hit that" thick, thin, or beggin' me to. (Even a fortean blogger has to have some standards!)

Anonymous said...

Come on now, bagging on her weight is just pathetic.

Chez said...

Hey, Steve. Sometimes the low-hanging fruit is the sweetest.

Chez said...

First of all, I have no issue with occasionally being "pathetic."

Secondly, the only reason I'm teasing her is because she's Jessica Simpson. She's an idiot who's trying to save her flagging career by suddenly, although not surprisingly, going country. Her desire to fit some kind of country chick mold -- which I guess includes a really bad, really tight wardrobe -- just highlights her weight gain.

Which, like I said, wouldn't be such a big deal if she weren't who she is.

Mack said...

I always thought her butt chin was her most unfortunate attribute. It just screams, "I'm hiding a penis in here!"

SteveR said...

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. You're just filling space like the rest of you liberal bloggers with nothing left to write about.

Except Blagojetarlek.

Anonymous said...

All y'all just shhh! Her belts are clearly slowly working their way up her torso until they can finally reach her neck and close around it tightly enough to keep her from uttering another syllable, whether in speech or song. They're doing it for US, people. Belts don't have ears. They're not suffering like we are.

Stop trying to sabotage the belts by pointing out that her waistline now starts just below her boobs. The belts are nearly within striking distance! Let's sit back, shut up, and let them complete their mission of mercy. Do you really want Newlyweds 2 with Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo? Because if you do, well, I have a pair of tacky faux gold chain link belts that would look very fetching cinched around your clavicle.

Anonymous said...

i half expected camel toe.

i don't have an issue with js, because i just don't think about her, but she should have taken a long hard look in her full-length mirror before trying this one on for size.

LaRoach said...

She is looking a bit meaty around the drumsticks... (with apologies to Berke Breathed)

Erica Dee said...

I really don't think she's that fat- I mean she definitely gained weight but she should fire her designer for even thinking that looked good.

Chez said...

Steve, it's a big internet, man. There are plenty of other places you can go for your free at-work time-killing.

Spencer said...

@ Anon 3:24

Those belts may not be suffering like we are, but they're definitely suffering nonetheless.

Alex said...

Sooooo, does she think the louder you pray the better God can hear you?

SteveR said...

But you're my faaavorite.
Oh, well. Back to Pajiba. Now they have standards.

Anonymous said...

Man, what I wouldn't give to see her bent over the diner table as she reached for another chicken drum. You all are right, her outfit is hideous, all the more reason why she should be walking around naked. On a non-chauvinist pig note, why does she need two belts?

Anonymous said...

No, you were making a big deal about this because of the weight. The fact that she's a joke was only a bonus for you. I'm proud of your readers for stating how they like some weight on a woman, but shame on you for making weight an issue at all. You don't like her music or her ditzy behavior, fine. Then say that, not about the the KFC truck in her driveway. You have two daughters, man. You should know better.

D.P

Anonymous said...

on a positive note - she had double d size boobs before so they must be even bigger now!!!!!!!

Chez said...

Oh, fucking relax already, DP.

Anonymous said...

I think it is pretty clear that she's not actually fat, right? seriously. she sucks, but not because she's maybe a size seven when she used to be a four.

kanye said...

Hate to point out the obvious, but Chez isn't the one who made an issue out of her weight. The minute that she stuffed her rack into a push-up bra two sizes too small and slipped on that custom-sewn taint sling known as “Daisy Dukes”, she was the one who made an issue of her weight. Plenty of pics out there of a bikini-clad Ms. Simpson happily sharing her assets with the world...for a pretty handsome profit I might add. The minute she decided to hang her career on the tits and ass portion of her personal talent contest, she was the one inviting commentary. And now that she's decided to take the Delta Burke fork in the road, that doesn't absolve her of living with the consequences of her earlier decisions.

Live by the t&a sword, die by the t&a sword.

Chez said...

Very, very well said, man.

Anonymous said...

Hey guys, it doesn't always have to be life and death serious, does it? Wow, he made a joke. If you don't like, fuck off and die.

Iris said...

I can't believe that 29 comments in, no one has pointed out that this "show" was a CHILI COOK-OFF.

And Kanye, yer my hero for the day. Very well said indeed.

You get your kit out for all the world to see, then prepare for the backlash when the pudding hits the fan.

Fred said...

She now reminds me of a mushroom wearing a blond wig.

BarbadoSlim said...

Hahahahaha all who are defending this fat pig are probably morbidly obese themselves.

Take the jumbo burritos out of your cramholes and get some exercise.

Mack said...

After reading these comments again it reminds me of the time you pissed me off with a mean fat joke comment. The only reason it offended me was because I was fat. Your joke made me realize how fucking self conscience I was and it was a catalyst to me losing a whole shit ton of weight. So, keep making fun of fat people and maybe they will lose weight and join in on the fun. Just food for some fat ass thought. :)