Friday, January 16, 2009

The President is Near


A disclaimer: What I'm about to say will probably offend the hell out of some of you. It only makes sense given that the source material I'm drawing from was considered so offensive by so many. I guess you'll have to let me know whether I get right up to the precipice without going over on this one -- or if I've finally just thrown myself off the cliff.

One of Chris Rock's most infamous bits postulates that there's a distinct difference between "black people" and "niggers." According to Rock, one of the qualities that makes the latter stand out as such an embarrassment to the former is that "niggers" will often loudly take credit and ask for affirmation for something mundane that they were supposed to do anyway -- they'll, for example, boast about taking care of their kids when any normal, well-adjusted adult, black or white, would understand that such a responsibility is a given and therefore not worthy of a pat on the back.

I don't think I need to elaborate on why this was the first thing that came to mind as I watched last night's "Farewell Address" from President Bush. We've become used to seeing Bush delusionally deny his mistakes and outright failures, and God knows we've seen him drag ass when he should've been on the ball. But last night, as Bush proudly proclaimed that whether or not you agreed with his decisions you have to admit that he did, in fact, make some decisions, it hit me like a sledgehammer the number of times over the past eight years that he's expected credit and acclaim for doing the bare minimum his job requires. The sheer volume of instances in which he tried to pass off the merely mediocre as something spectacular.

When you think about it, it's maddeningly ironic that someone who really has done so little while in office -- who's made almost no serious effort and typically tries to get away with working as few hours as he can -- managed to screw up the country as monumentally as he did. Bush is regularly in bed before 10pm, regardless of what might be on his agenda or could be in need of his attention; he's taken more vacation time than just about any president in recent memory; he's intellectually incurious in ways that would embarrass a 6th grader. And yet, he touts all of this -- this 9-to-5 ethos -- as proof that he's doing what needs to be done, as if working on a Saturday and skipping a lunch or two qualifies as going above and beyond the call of duty.

If you believe Chris Rock's definition of the word, then Barack Obama cleaning up the messes left behind by George W. Bush is just another example of a strong, intelligent African-American having to undo the damage done by -- well, you get the picture.

Obama may be the first black president of the United States, but I think it's pretty clear what Bush was.

41 comments:

Suzy said...

HAHAHAHA!

Steve said...

Offend whom? Lazy people?

Anonymous said...

If I recall correctly, there's another part of that comedy routine that talks about blaming the media.

Well, Connie Chung didn't send America's troops into a country that posed no clear and present threat. I'm not hoping Wolf Blitzer is held accountable for under-armoring the troops.

And Tom Brokaw isn't in danger of being tried for war crimes if he leaves the country.

Benoit from Ottawa said...

Damn straight! You have a piercing mind, sir.

Amanda said...

You sir, have really outdone yourself with this one. I raise my glass to you with one hand while the other one manages to reach across the Atlantic and sweep Bush's crap off the Oval Office desk.

4 days bitches. There's a new sheriff in town.

Jadine said...

Wow. That pretty much sums it up.

Jay said...

Whatcha want, a cookie?!

brenda Willis said...

Hahaha! Never thought I'd hear that one, but I wholeheartedly agree and I wouldn't expect any less form you.

cindy said...

Yes, I love you.

Cindy

QuickBrownFox said...

Excellent post! Now if only you could have worked in what Kanye West said about GW... :-)

aaron said...

"4 days bitches. There's a new sheriff in town."

A black Sheriff?
Why not, it worked in Blazing Saddles!

Outstanding column Chez. I'm sure the people taking offense to it are Jackson/Sharpton et al, and diehard neocons - the "real (stoopid) America." This of course is no surprise to the rest of the world.

Anonymous said...

Bush: "I may not be a good person, but I think we can all agree that I am a person."

Anonymous said...

Chez, I'm a long time reader of yours and I rarely, if ever, comment... But I have come out of lurking to say that this was pure genius.

Well done, sir. Well done.

Nancy said...

This well-written piece makes perfect sense.

As does this one:

http://kentkapersll.blogspot.com/2009/01/beyond-belief-beyond-decency.html

Heather said...

I checked with the boy on whether someone in his community might find this offensive and he gave it the all clear, so I think you're good. :)

All the same: HILARIOUS. I'm just waiting for Bush to show up with a Pimp Cup as he walks to the helicopter for the last time.

Max said...

Well said as always. It also, oddly, reminded me of the movie "The Best of Times". Horrible movie, but a great line: After a wide reciver makes a pedestrian catch, everyone in the huddle congratulates him by saying "nice catch". Then Kurt Russell (QB) says , "Yeah, nice catch. That's what your supposed to do when the ball hits you in the fucking hands."

leovil said...

Just thrown yourself off the cliff? No. And Chris Rock don't make this any less offensive. Yawl have just thrown a whole group of people off the cliff.

Chez said...

Oh well.

lakelady said...

Bravo Chez, bravo

Sr. Wrangler said...

I believe Bush holds the record for most vacation days for any President. I haven't been able to find a more recent figure, but he had logged 879 days as of March 4th, 2008.

drater said...

Guess I need more coffee, I got halfway through this piece before I noticed that it was Chris Rock who said that, not Kid Rock. Shouldn't matter in a perfect world, but, despite what leovil said, the Kid Rock version felt a lot more off-the-cliffy.

cgwalt said...

Brilliant.
Not offensive.
Incisive, yes.
Offensive? no.

Stephen said...

I'm personally offended for Clevon Little and would like to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new president.

Alicia said...

Another person delurking here because that was just to perfect. Thanks for saying what needed to be said. heh :)

Indigotea said...

Things that GWB forgot to take credit for in his Bye-Bye Speech:

1. While Bush was in office, Martians did not arrive on Earth and steal all our women of childbearing age.

2. While Bush was in office, the sea never once boiled red with blood.

3. While Bush was in office, a plague of locusts completely bypassed our grain belt, a region critical to our national security.

4. While Bush was in office, gasoline prices reached record lows AND record highs. Let's see another Presidential guy top that!

5. While Bush was in office, the National Spelling Bee winner was an American child for every single year of his terms. This is proof that our children is learning.

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Whoa... I'm, er, almost speechless! What an article!!!

cijimcbride said...

Black person here.

::approving "Brothaman" head nod::

That is all.

Anonymous said...

Only thing I see wrong with your article is really just splitting hairs. Technically speaking Bill Clinton was the first black president. Obama is only half.

Bill White said...

Am I the only one who will defend the Bush Doctrine? Let's set the record straight: Evil people want to kill us. The president stopped them and protected us for seven years. God help us now. Chez, you then write that W vacationed too much. Well sir, that's wrong. All of that time was working vacations. That's why they called it the Western White House! W was a real man who spent time working outside of Washington. Ah, the glorious moments of W over these eight years: The huge, huge athletic cup covering his privates just before he said, "MAJOR combats operations are over!" Whoo-hoo! How about, "They will hear from us loud and clear!" Whoo-hoo! God Bless W and that gorgeous wife. -BW

Benoit from Ottawa said...

@Alicia:

"delurking", never heard or read that before. I like.

Nevada Blue said...

bush did the bare minimum? Must have missed that.

leovil said...

Bill White said, "Let's set the record straight: Evil people want to kill us. The president stopped them and protected us for seven years. God help us now."

Mr. White, how can you set the record straight without introducing your true intention to prostilitize?

Bill White said...

To leovil: What are the last words in the oath? It's proof that God is still a part of our government. Even though I know that Mr. Obama will not lead a Christ-centered administration -- and I mourn that right now -- I know that when he's forced to say, "So help me God," that true patriots like Ronald Reagan, God, Jesus, Charlton Heston and Phyllis Schlafly are watching over this great nation and will protect. Wait, I think Ms. Schlafly is still alive.OK,I am going back to cry at FOX News' coverage of the ceremony of the end of freedom and God's influence. God Bless, BW

Stephen said...

Wow. This is my favorite post from you so far. I'm a Black man and I don't think I have the balls to insinuate that W is a... well you know. Your point is well received. Off to forward this to my mom...

Anonymous said...

George W. Bush is the Antichrist and Bill White is his accolyte.

Bill White said...

Dear Anonymous-I'll pray for you so that one day, Christ will help you find your palce in this great nation. Hebrews 16:11 says, "Thy Anonymous souls shall inherit the soul and spirit of righteousness through the Lord's patriotic F150's exhaust fumes." You see, Anonymous, life is far simpler than your far, far Left mind wants to think. There is good and there is evil. It's that simple McFly. In modern day life, it's good to have more of your hard earned dollars in your pocket rather than giving it up to bed-wetters like you that want more government-run socialized programs. It's good to build more military machines that kill those who hate us. Oh my Lord, pray for our future! -BW

ali said...

Oh come on, Bill White is a troll. This didn't give it away; "..true patriots like Ronald Reagan, God, Jesus, Charlton Heston and Phyllis Schlafly.."?
Although, my faith in Americans has only just been restored, so I like to pretend people who actually have those views lack the mental capacity and physical coordination to express them on the internet.

Anonymous said...

Bill White lives in the basement of his mother's house and jerks off to the image of G W B's athletic cup protected privates.

In Gawds name and the Wholely ghostlet.

Constructive Feedback said...

Chez:

As I evaluate Black political perspective - particularly in regards to Bush - I see an equal inability for some of you to make use of this same scrutiny against the LOCAL PROGRESSIVES who dominate the areas were our people are most concentrated.

You appear to live in the NYC area. In a city that has 47 Democrats out of 51 city council seats - who should be blamed in regards to the public schools, the lingering poverty for your area? I have no problem with people like you attacking Bush.

My challenge is to understand how and why the other forces that bear upon your life escape damnation.

Chez said...

The public schools here are surprisingly good and if you think that New York City is some cesspool of poverty, you've obviously been watching too much Taxi Driver. The reality is that while it costs a fortune to live here and those not making money by the bundle face problems they might not face in another less expensive city, the social programs in New York for those who do live below the poverty line are excellent. There's no more "lingering poverty" here than there is in any other American city. In fact, it could be argued that there's far less, given the size of New York City.

Let me turn your comment around on you: I don't mind you offering constructively critical points -- not at all -- but if you're going to do so, you should have your facts straight and not throw out arguments based on opinions you just kind of pulled out of thin air.

As for the other forces that bear upon my life "escaping damnation," I don't get into local issues around here because this isn't a NY-centric site. If I talked only my area and how much I liked or didn't like my city council-members, I'd have a hell of a lot fewer readers. I'm a fan of national politics (as well as music, pop culture and so on), hence I write about it.

Oh yeah, and "people like me?"

Now there's a slightly pejorative term.

Bill White said...

Voucherize New York City, Chez! BTW, I take offense to Anonymous saying that I touch my privates when I think of W's hard athletic cup. My mama taught me to never do such a horrific thing to my body. Back when I was a scappy, snot-nosed boy bumming around Hattiesburg, I came into my Mama and Daddy's house to watch Richard Nixon. After he spoke, I got excited if you know what I mean. I took my right hand to my privates and Mama brought out her hot ladle and whupped me with it! Then, Daddy pulled his trousers down, took out his belt and whupped my privates. I hated them for that. Maybe that's why I broke into Daddy's beer fridge and liquor cabinet and took to the drink. I know I repeat this story, but I flipped an F150 over into a Mississippi ditch. That's when Jesus pulled me from the wreckage. He told me to never drink and never ever touch my privates.

Well Chez, I've been working hard all day trying to get away from this Barack Love-A-Thon. I was excited that FOX re-ran W's last speech. I cannot wait for the Sarah Palin interview tonight! Oh, my I'm think I'm getting excited: W's last speech and beautiful Sarah on that Beck fella's show. I have to get Dale and Kyle home to watch this interview. On second thought, I might need my own room. Ouch, don't hit me there Daddy! - God Bless, BW