Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sunday Sacrilege (Update)

I was just going over the last year of posts in an effort to find a few to whittle down into a year-end list of my favorites and I came across this little gem. It was originally published in April of this year and features a plea to the Catholic League, specifically William Donohue, that has yet to be answered. I guess that means I'll just have to try harder in 2009.

I've gleefully pissed down the back of religion quite a bit this past week, so I see no reason to push the issue too much further at the moment.

That being said, (translation: ignore the last sentence) I was meandering the internet last night when I came across an interesting fact: Sithian enforcer to Emperor "Papal"tine, Vatican PR pit bull, and all around ├╝ber-tool William Donohue -- president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights -- claims that "no one has insulted Catholics more than Bill Maher."

Donohue says that Maher "has consistently been listed in the Catholic League's Annual Report on Anti-Catholicism" for acts of bigotry, and has a habit of "slandering all priests as molesters and mocking the Eucharist."

I, for one, am wholeheartedly offended by all of this.

The reason of course is because, as far as I know, I'm not listed anywhere in the Catholic League's Annual Report on Anti-Catholicism. (I assume that if I were, I'd have gotten a plaque or something.)

True, Bill Maher has a much larger audience than little old me, but I feel like I've really done my part to openly insult the Catholic church, its cadre of pedophilic priests and its dangerously powerful "Holy Father." As for mocking the Eucharist, I was once thrown out of a theology class for calling communion wafers "Jesus Chips," so I think that qualifies me for at least a distant point on Donohue's radar.

That's why, my friends, I'm making an appeal to you for help. My goal for the next 12 months is to gain at least an honorable mention on the aforementioned Anti-Catholicism Report. I already make fun of the church and its laughably ridiculous and intransigent 11th century belief system whenever possible; I show the entire institution zero respect; what's more, I know the Bible inside and out -- having been raised Christian -- which puts me in a position to understand the organized insanity of which I speak.

With all due respect to Maher, I think I find the church even more immoral and worthy of ridicule than he does.

So come on, Mr. Donohue -- mention my name the next time you're on O'Reilly; call me an intolerant threat to your poor little disorganized and put-upon congregation; insist that I'm going to hell.

You know, whatever.

I'll be awaiting your castigation.


Deacon Blue said...

Dear Mr. Pazienza,

We have been informed of your continued interest in being listed on the Catholic League's Annual Report on Anti-Catholicism, and in a review of our records, we see that a certain "Deacon Blue" submitted a formal request on your behalf in this matter earlier this year.

Sadly, we must decline to include you.

Firstly, Deacon Blue isn't a Catholic in good standing. Though he has one surviving parent who still gives religiously (pardon my pun) to the Church, Deacon Blue himself turned to the Protestants some years back and is, therefore, apostate in our minds and hearts, and the Virgin Mary will not be doing any intercession on his part for salvation, much less your inclusion with a personage like Bill Maher on our watch list.

Frankly, Mr. Pazienza, while we appreciate your interest...and, in fact, your stellar writing style and wit...we simply cannot see you as a threat. Blogs like "Stuff White People Like" and "Margaret and Helen" are pulling in far more traffic than you are. Start getting millions of hits in a matter of months and we'll talk some more. Your involvement with "Huffington Post" is certainly a good start to irritating us, but, alas, it is ONLY a start.

You were part of the media news world, but not the most liberal of the lot, and your Emmy awards don't seem in any way attached with anti-Catholic programming.

Suffice to say, sir, that you are simply not committing sufficient blasphemy for us to include you.

If you could, perhaps, sacrifice a goat to Satan live on webcam while violating a virgin in her anus and simultaneously receiving said activity from a known homosexual in the media spotlight, we can reconsider you for PROVISIONAL approval.

I must cut this short, I fear, as there is an altar boy waiting for me in the sitting room adjacent to my office, and he needs personal attention.

Sincerely yours,
William Donohue

willpen said...

OMG.... this is just wayyy tooo much fun...thanks for the smiles...

DragonIV said...

Network with P.Z. Myers. He'll show you how to piss off Bill Donohue in just a few simple steps.