Monday, December 22, 2008

An Open Letter to the American Media

Dear Media,

I'm writing today to issue a plea on behalf of the sane, reasonably well-adjusted people all across this country of ours. It's, admittedly, a move borne out of desperation and spawned from the mind of someone who's been pushed to the brink of madness, but I would only hope that this fact underscores the anguish being felt by the American people and therefore the seriousness of what I'm about to say.

Please, in the name of all that's decent, stop, stop, stop treating the Duggars like they're celebrities.

This morning, like clockwork, the Duggar family -- Jim Bob, Michelle, her clown car vagina, and the 18 kids whose names all inexplicably begin with the letter "J" -- made their traditional appearance on NBC's Today to show off the latest addition to their constantly expanding litter. As always, they basked in the glow of the national media spotlight, were treated to oodles of warm encomia, and took the opportunity to joyfully drop the name of the Lord every few seconds like there was some kind of Skinner Box treat in it for them.

The Today show has become something akin to the official press secretariat of the Duggars -- excitedly fawning over each birth and the fresh pregnancy announcement that invariably, immediately follows it as if this information were something that actually mattered to anyone. But, obviously, Today isn't alone in its cultural elevation of the Duggars from crazy homemade cult to all-American heroes.

And make no mistake -- these people are indeed crazy.

Completely out of their fucking minds.

You know something, though? That's okay. They're entitled to live their lives however the hell they want; as long as none of their kids -- born an average of one a year since 1988 -- ends up on welfare and we the taxpayers have to foot the bill for little Jolene or Jonah. I honestly couldn't care less that there's an insane family living in Arkansas cranking out children because God says so. The problem is that you, the media -- NBC, ABC, TLC, etc. -- keep giving these people face time, thereby convincing them that everyone in this country not crazier than a shithouse rat actually loves hearing the latest news about Michelle Duggar's de-elasticized cervix. I'm not suggesting that you're encouraging them -- since you couldn't, as they take their cues from a supposedly higher authority -- but you are giving them the chance to hawk their books, TV show and the assorted other crap that allows them to afford to continue spitting out kids like chocolates coming down a conveyor belt. These people shouldn't be cast in a positive light. They shouldn't be cast in any light at all. If they want to keep trying to single-handedly overpopulate the Earth for Jesus, they should have to pay for it without the help of your unwarranted free publicity, media.

Let's see how long they'd last once the gravy train you guys happily play conductor of dries up.

Like Paris Hilton, whose career you're also guilty of perpetuating and foisting on an exhausted public, the Duggars are famous only for their unusual sexual habits.

And like Paris Hilton, they've never deserved the wealth of attention you've lavished on them. They're religious zealots who won't stop having babies. That's it. Nothing more.

So once again, knock it the hell off. Stop shoving this family down our collective throat.

If the Duggars one day make the announcement that they've decided to start using contraception, or if one of their kids comes out with horns or something, feel free to give them a couple minutes of airtime. Until then, remember that you're the mainstream media -- not Procreation Quarterly and not a carnival barker.

Leave the freakshow to the circus folk, okay?

Thanks and Happy Holidays,



God hates premature ejaculators said...

My God bless the Duggars with triplets or quadruplets the next go around. Maybe then, with the constant trifecta of crying babies will they learn there lesson; maybe then he'll decide to pull out instead of, well, you know.

slouchmonkey said...

...and so says, blessed be the Chez.

gina said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My lady parts cringe every time I think of those people. Please make them go away.

Andrew Smash said...

The only reason I can think of people paying attention are the same three reasons people go to the freak shows: The believers go to feel less freakish, the yokels go to feel better about themselves by mocking the freaks, and the intelligentsia go to mock the yokels. Sometimes our society would be better off if we just built a big playground for these waterheads and sold broadcast rights. That way no one would risk further screwing up the gene pool by accidentally breeding with one of these jackals.

Anonymous said...

What pisses me off most about that family is...fuck. I can't even begin to list all of the things.

First, I hate on top of not taking control of her own fertility, Mrs. Duggar allows all of her children to have names starting with J, like her husband. How fucking sexist is that? she's the odd bitch out?

Second, I hate that I even KNOW about these fucksticks. They should have kept themselves and their freaky sideshow to their isolated scary farm house.

Fourth, I hate that one of their sons is going to get married, or has gotten married, and that this dirty little crew is going to keep projecting their seed across the country.

Fifth...oh, I just have to stop myself there. I'm actually getting too pissed to sit and type, so I'm going to go chase my birth control pill with a shot of tequila and watch porn ( with my boyfriend. Whom I will never marry. ever.

Vermillion said...

But don't you see, Chez?

It is just like Anonymous in the Gay Marriage Post said: they have a social contract with the government to churn out as many little potential taxpayers/laborers/wageslaves as they can, or big bad FBI men are going to come in their home and invalidate whatever cult-like family they got going there.

This is why there are so many divorces: them damn breeders simply aren't fulfillin' their end of the deal. Not like these Duggars are, God bless it!

So hurry and knock up that little lady of yer'ns an' git sum moar chillins out, dagnabit! We ain'ts got all day, an' Innara (still a terrist name) alsredy gots the mornin' shift in 2026! Yeehaw!!!!

(I did not mean to call you a "little lady", Jayne. And I apologize to any who get headaches trying to read the above.)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for saying it more eloquently than I am capable at present. What a train wreck.


Anonymous said...

There is a group of people like the Druggars who all live that that near where I live Chez. They have separate schools for their kids and they all have a numerous kids. The one thing no one can figure out is all the women wear denim skirts and have long hair. Can't find that denim passage in the bible anywhere.

And they smell bad, like kerosene and b.o.

They threatened to blacklist a guy who had a prominent business in the area because he cut his grass on Sunday. Threatening is what good Chistians do.

I think they are Dutch reform.
God love em and bless their little wooden heads cause you know what they say about the Dutch, wooden shoes, wooden head, wouldn't listen.

Geetch said...

Anonymous, how is she not taking control of her own fertility? It seems like she and her husband are perfectly content to keep popping out the kids. Her "the Lord gave me the parts so I'd best use them" rhetoric doesn't sound any more deluded or inane than her husband's. It's as much her choice to have a million kids as it is any other woman's to not have children. That being said, they are crazy and annoying for many, many reasons. Please to go away, Duggars.

C Riedel-de Haen said...

@ Vermillion -

You read my mind! When I read this, I immediately thought about the anonymous from that other post and what he/she said about marriage being all about producing value for society or some such bullshit.

You mind-reader you! :-)

Deacon Blue said...

It's so simple that I should have seen it a long time ago. And now that I do, I feel bad for that horrible comment I made about Mrs. Duggar in the "Last One Out of the Clown Car Please Shut the Door" post a few days ago.

After exhaustive study of the Bible, the Apocrypha and the Gospel of Lloyd, I realize what they are doing, and God bless 'em for it.

Once they have produced their 21st baby, under the umbrella of their shining perfect light of Christ that they exhibit (patent pending, and for which they are paid royalties by the Today Show), they will achieve a perfect spiritual gestalt under which the children will merge into a giant Jesus Voltron Robot to crush Satan's minions and bring about the End Days.

If only I had realized earlier. Duggars forgive me.

Harry said...


after reading this post I thought (ironically)


Chez said...

Dude, you are just on fire lately, Deac.

Voltron Jesus!

That rules -- certainly a great band name if ever I've heard one.

kanye said...

...were treated to oodles of warm encomia

Meconium as well.

Anonymous said...

Clearly, I was already on my way to too drunk to type earlier when I wrote that. I can't even count. That, or it was the rage that these fucksticks fill me with that made me miscount!!


Anonymous said...

Deacon that is the funnyest thing I have seen all week.

I live an hour from these people.
And while I despise thier overpopulation efforts I have to hope that their children emotionaly survive the hyped crap of their childhood. Statisticaly there are junkys, homersexuals, and possibly a fellatrix or three.

even as a godless heathen I wish the best for thier kids, and that they can somehow throw off the blatant bullshit they are being forced into.

Stephen said...

Irish Duodevigintiplets

jgodsey said...

damn skippy...

i agree, i wish i had never heard of these pinheads. the world doesn't need more of these fuckers...him i get to use that word literally.

brandi said...

Being from Arkansas, I take great offense at them adding YET ANOTHER thing to be embarrassed about from my home state. Like I don't have it hard enough when I tell people I'm from Arkansas, with all the Bill Clinton impressions, questions about the WM3, inquiries about school shootings, Mike Huckabee being a douche,etc. Now clown car vagina? Great.

Mr. Controversy said...

I seriously can't stand these goddamn attention whores who feel they need to publicize their spawn.

The Duggars, Jon and Kate Plus 8...WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK?! I'm so sorry that you're so goddamn starved for attention that you have to surround yourself with 18 partial clones of yourself just to make it feel like you have a live worth living.

A message to the Duggars, the Jon and Kates, and anyone else like this: Get off your fucking back, and go do something productive, not REproductive, in society. I don't like you, so I sure as Hell don't think I'll like 18 other variations of you. Shit is still shit, no matter what color you make the packaging or what variety you output it in.

Deacon Blue said...

I don't know whether I should be concerned that the Duggars have inspired two apparently inspired comments from me in the past week around here.

Last thing I need is to become Duggar-dependent. They don't have clinics for that yet.

toastie said...

Some more hard-hitting news from the 07:00 Club (er, The Today Show):

Did an angel save girl from dying in hospital?

(If it's true, why the hell would the press sit on this wonderful news for three months?)

Jeremy Feist said...

You're kidding me...What. The. Eff. Well, what did you expect, we live in a society that rewards people for being stupid and self-involved. It's the only excuse I can think of for the continued celebrity of The Duggars, Katy Perry, and the Bush Administration getting a second term.

tania said...

My Irish grandmother had 17 kids, but I doubt she saw it as a blessing. More of a 'damn those fecking priests and their ban on condoms!' thing. I just cannot fathom why anybody would choose to have that many.

I agree, the media should shut up about them. But they won't, not until there's some new freakshow to blather on about....

Anonymous said...

Amen and pass the biscuits.

My hillbilly great-grandmother had 16 babies (two didn't make it very long). They were dirt poor and she died at 42.

This would be the Duggar's life were they not famewhores extracting money and resources by exploiting their breeding habits.

Vermillion said...

Dammit Deacon! I go through all that trouble to craft my post, and you just had to win everyone over with your stupid "Voltron Jesus" crack.

You are a big fat stupidhead and I hate you.

*sticks out tongue*

John said...

Clown Car Vagina would be an awesome name for a band.

Deacon Blue said...


Despite showing my "geek" with the Voltron crack, you'll be happy to know I have no designs on your gig at You're a much better representative of our kind there.

And personally, I dug in a huge way your ability to handle hillbilly patois in written form in your comment earlier.

That said, however, I should respond to your most recent comment appropriately:

Neener neener nee...ner. I'm rubber and you're glue.

Clinton said...

Right, having 18 kids is some sort of sin against you elitist shitheads, huh? End up on welfare? And if they were black you wouldn't say a fucking thing would you? If they were muslim you'd keep your fucking traps shut, wouldn't you? If they'd crowed about the fact they'd killed 18 kids through abortions, you'd celebrate them, right? "Yes!" you'd scream, "murder more kids!" If the spotlight was on the parents of some freak fuck 8-year old boy who wanted to be a girl, you'd celebrate them as "heroes". You are the biggest fucking hypocrites in the world.

What the fuck happened to tolerance? How come if someone is black, or brown, or red, or yellow, or Muslim, or gay, or some other fucking color or gender or preference or what-the-fuck-ever they deserve tolerance, but when some white people have a bunch of kids, say "Jesus" only half as much as a Muslim would say "Allah" you people just can't fucking stand it? Why are you so afraid of them? If they want to live their lives like that, fine. If the media chooses to promote their choices, and they use that time according to how they think their religion wants them to, then so be it. Here's a tip: turn the fucking channel! Go to Logo or sci-fi or WE or whatever station you normally watch in your mommy's basement and stop badmouthing people who have done absolutely nothing to you.

Anonymous said...

Man--screwing HER has got to be akin to throwing a hot dog into the Grand Canyon!

The REAL reason behind their birth-a-thon? Tax deductions. As long as they have kids that range in age from at most 18, down to newbie, the tax deductions keep flowing in perpetuity. Three of thier kids are now past 18, and only one of them is going to college full-time, so they've lost two deductions already. Having this baby makes up for one of them.

With the earned income credit alone, he doesn't have to actually earn much money--then there's the TV show!

John & Kate plus 8 are beginning to learn the racket--he is a computer analyst (some job security, right?), but could NEVER hope to make enough money to feed all those mouths alone--hence, the tax deductions and TV show.

This is very similar to what the FLDS people were doing, only these guys kindly restricted themselves to one spouse each, and they didn't have side businesses all over their compound making even MORE money through tax deductions.

Both groups of people are engaging in the "Bleed Uncle Sam Dry" game.

If any of you out there need some money, do something freaky with your lives, then call TLC to film it. They're always lookin' for material.

Deacon Blue said...

Clinton, you are missing the point...they have long since gone past the point of simply having a big family and are now pimping out their family for money.

They ARE on's just welfare from the media now (press, TV, publishers, etc.). They are USING their kids and their lifestyle for their own profit, and trying to pass it off as the way to go, even though almost no one could afford a family that large.

If you don't get that, you don't have the common sense God gave the rocks.