The Shit Hits the Fan

Back when I was in high school, there was a girl in my class who loved REO Speedwagon.

Actually, that's a bit of an understatement: She didn't just love REO Speedwagon -- she worshipped them. She owned everything the band had ever recorded; drew pictures of them on her folders; talked about them incessantly with anyone unlucky enough to be drawn into the vortex of madness created by her singular obsession; lived to serve at the pleasure of Kevin Cronin and Gary Richrath; if it were legal, she'd probably have sacrificed small children to appease the gods of wuss rock and bring the band to our senior year prom to perform live, the way Davy Jones did for Marcia Brady. She was, in no uncertain terms, REO Speedwagon's biggest fan.

Chances are right about now your face is contorted into a confused/bemused smirk and you're saying to yourself, "REO Speedwagon? Uh, really?"

That was pretty much my reaction back in the day.

I could never figure out exactly what about this thoroughly unremarkable band had captured the imagination of my classmate. It seemed like such an arbitrary infatuation -- as if she'd opened a large white book with the generic word "ROCK" stamped on the front of it in black lettering, thumbed through to the chapter on waning late-70s arena-rock bands, then closed her eyes and pointed. She could've come up with Styx or maybe Loverboy, but no, she landed REO Speedwagon.

My point is that I guess there's no rhyme or reason behind a person's passions: Maybe you don't choose what you become a fan of so much as it chooses you.

Which still might not fully explain "CNNfan."

A couple of days ago, I published a short piece making fun of CNN's über-hyped and thoroughly ridiculous "hologram" technology, and within that piece I singled out a comment posted on the website Mediabistro.com from someone who calls himself "CNNfan." I suggested that "CNNfan" may in fact be CNN's president, Jon Klein, mostly because I couldn't imagine any normal, sane individual -- that is someone not currently incarcerated and on medication or not paid to promote the nonsense CNN regularly cranks out -- taking criticism of the network so personally.

Well, it turns out it's not Klein.

And, as far as I can tell, it's not the creation of a media PR firm either.

I know this because CNNfan obviously Googled himself (or Googled "CNN + hologram + Fucking Stupid") and found this site -- then left me the same kind of rambling, pedantic, somewhat pointless comment he left on Mediabistro.

Oh yeah, then he posted an excerpt from my piece on his own site -- called, kiddie clubhouse-style, "CNNfan: for real fans of CNN" -- and mailed me the link.

Apparently, the CNNfan site's sole administrator -- "CNNfan" himself -- is someone named Max.

So, with that in mind, here's the comment Max left for me on the original piece:

"There is video explaining how CNN did it, featuring an advanced super computer processing job control language (JCL). This is truly a work of genius.

The CBC, and others fear being displaced by a rival that is superior. Even the movie special effects companies do not produce 3D video that is real-time live on TV. CNN is the most advanced technology in news.

It is a compliment to science fiction that the public perception is that the holograms of science fiction are real. In reality you can buy a sticker made from paper and glue that is actually a real 3D hologram.

-- CNNfan"

And now, my response:

Dear Max, AKA CNNfan,

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to visit my humble little website and for leaving such an insightful comment! I know how difficult it can be to pull yourself away from World of Warcraft when you're engaged in the planning and execution of an epic battle, so I truly appreciate the effort.

I apologize for insinuating that you may be Jon Klein -- although really who can blame me? Having been a producer at the network for four years, I've never seen devotion to CNN like yours outside of someone whose paycheck depends upon it. Congratulations! You're exactly the kind of employee Jon Klein is looking for; you should immediately give thought to making your most vivid dreams come true by applying for a job as Lou Dobbs's personal ashtray and punching bag. He's a big fan of ingratiating yes-men; I think you'd be terrific.

If that doesn't work out, I could probably put in a good word with a couple of production assistants or interns; they're always looking for groupies willing to fellate them simply because they're employed by CNN.

I guess what I really want to say though, Max -- and may I call you Max? -- is, well, good for you for looking at the product of what is ostensibly a news network and thinking to yourself, "Hey, who gives a crap about all that boring journalism stuff as long as I'm dazzled by the pretty lights?". You really do have a grasp of the future of television news, and I commend you for that! You're right on the money, literally, when you say that it's technologically advanced trickery that's going to ensure that CNN rises above its competition and wins the battle for ratings -- which, I'm sure you know and will agree, is the most important thing when it comes to journalism. Smoke and mirrors trump content any day of the week (and twice on election day).

Don't listen to those people who ask "why?" Why do something that was completely unnecessary and actually distracted from the information being presented? Why not just put Will.i.am's face on one of those massive, Orwellian plasmas that lined every inch of wall-space in CNN's colorful, seizure-inducing studio on election night?

Why ask why?

It looked "cool" -- and dammit that's all that matters!

Screw the fact that Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper were forced to essentially talk to themselves on national television, or that it's that fact which really calls into question the ethics of the whole embarrassing endeavor.

IT LOOKED COOL!

And best of all, it impressed you -- Max, AKA CNNfan, XXX "XXX XXXXXXX XX XXX XXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX XX XXXXXXXX XX XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX XX X XXXXXXXX XXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXXXXX." And in the end, that's all that really matters to the people coming up with this horseshit.

You're not the least bit discriminating -- and CNN loves you for it.

So, take heart! The love of your life loves you right back, Maxie!

And that means you're no longer a troubled loner -- an obsessed stalker. You're somebody!

You finally matter in this world!

Love Always,

Chez XOXOXO

PS: Do you by any chance like REO Speedwagon?