Friday, November 21, 2008

(More) Postcards from the Basement


Well, you knew this was coming.

Apparently "CNNfan" -- AKA "Max," AKA Tom Joyce, AKA "Guy most definitely not sitting in his mom's basement pleasuring himself to holograms of Jessica Yellin and fantasies of a threesome with Heidi Collins and Rick Sanchez" -- is off his OCD meds again because I received yet another transmission from whatever planet he lives on. I was going to delete the e-mail below from my inbox last night, but then I figured it'd make for a cheap Friday morning laugh and, more importantly, would require no expenditure of effort on my part -- so why fight it? If you can make any sense of this thing, you should probably put yourself under the care of a therapist immediately.

Feel free to come up with your own answers to his "interview questions." I'll send the best ones back to him.

By the way, if the bodies of me and my family turn up in a ditch out in North Jersey at any point in the near future, you'll know in whose direction to point the cops.


"An interview with Chez Pazienza Former Senior Producer of CNN American Morning

The CNNfan community has a few questions we hope you can answer for us:

1. Do you feel that CNNfans help CNN Producers win Emmy Awards?

2. Why would an Emmy Award winning CNN Producer punish CNNfans?

3. Are CNNfans to blame for you having lost your job at CNN?

4. Was it awkward to incorrectly characterize a CNNfan as Jon Klein?

5. You wrote that CNN pushed your former boss out two weeks after he fired you, because of the nasty things you blogged about him. Are you blogging nasty things about our CNNfan community to get CNN to push us out too?

6. Are you the hatchet man for our CNNfan community?

7. Would you please remove all nasty comments in any way related to our ICANN registered traditional domain name: CNNfan ?

Thank you Mr. Pazienza. You may be gone from CNN, but you are not forgotten by our CNNfan community; approaching our fifth anniversary at CNNfan.com

CNNfan for real CNN fans . The Original . Online since January 4th 2004. The Longest Running Fansite in News.

When responding please bare in mind that our CNNfan community really is global and has been for 5 years. Our CNNfan members are from many countries all over the world."


(How perfect is that picture, incidentally?)

33 comments:

Pants said...

I'm beginning to suspect that this is all a brilliantly sarcastic hoax...

Chez said...

I originally thought that, but nope -- the guy running this thing is pretty serious apparently.

mixtapetherapy said...

Ok...first I take issue with ANYONE speaking of themselves in the third person. Elmo can't get away with it and neither can CNNfan.

Second, you realize that in his warped-and-twisted little mind, what you two have got going here is called courtship. Right?

Third...if you keep encouraging him, don't be surprised if you end up in a basement pit being told, "It takes the lotion from the basket and rubs it on its skin."

Just looking out for you...

Chez said...

Now that I think about it, wasn't the name the Tooth Fairy used when he communicated with Hannibal Lector in Red Dragon "Avid Fan?"

Uncle Sam said...

Since he points out that a "CNNfan" is apparently somehow different than a simple fan of CNN (which, as has been pointed out repeatedly in the past, is quite a ridiculous notion in and of itself), what the hell is a CNNfan and how do I avoid becoming one?

Pants said...

Well if it's not a hoax, than I am very happy not to understand how people like that think. That kind of reasoning is just so warped!

Anonymous said...

If CNNfan did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. Or something.

Assuming CNNfan is not an act of subversive satire or a creation of CNN's Dear Leader, he, himself, is some sort of postmodern commentary on news and 'fandom' and the ways in which sad and lonely people project themselves into the worlds they see on television and the lives of the people they think they know from there.

The idea of a news service having 'fans' is kind of mindboggling. I'd ask what happens when CNN's reporting conflicts with reality, but we already know the answer. A CNNfan does not believe his lyin' eyes when Wolf Blitzer has told him something.

Vermillion said...

Well, here is my (first) attempt to answer them:

1. Yes. Those penises don't suck themselves, and in the failing economy, it is cheaper than actual hookers.

2. Because your faith is lacking. Where was the blood sacrifice, huh? There was a distinct demand for the sanctified slaying of a MSNBC correspondent. It was hidden in the graphics behind Wolf Blitzer. REAL CNN fans saw it just fine with their Official CNN TrueFAN Faith Spectacles.
...What, you don't have TrueFAN Faith Spectacles? But all true fans have them! You are of false belief! Unclean! UNCLEAN!!!!!

3. Yes. Again, the whole missing sacrifice. That really hurt, you know? We had plans for that soul!

4. No. Honestly, I thought it would make you cream your little Sanchez-adorned boxers. It did, didn't it?

5. Yes. And replace you with holograms (note: NOT ACTUAL HOLOGRAMS).

6. Is...is that some sort of BDSM reference? Like "Maestro Pain" or something? Because you have a real persecution complex thing going here.

7. I thought I did already. I know for sure I removed the one about "sitting in his mom's basement pleasuring himself to holograms of Jessica Yellin and fantasies of a threesome with Heidi Collins and Rick Sanchez". And I can't think of any others. Maybe you could put them in an easily identified list so I can inform my readers to ignore said statements?

Now, of course, I do not wield a wit like yours, and it is freaky early to be doing this, but there ya go.

Jacki Schechner said...

Thank you for a most excellent early morning laugh.

greenveldt said...

I feel sad for CNNfan.

chenry said...

The answer to all your questions is attached:

http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/4488/gobefatsomewhereelseashxr3.jpg

Lily's Mommy said...

Well, I'm glad that he pointed out that the fan community is global AND that the members are from counties all over the world. whew

How many people does it take to make a community? (I'm guessing, one)

Suzy said...

where's votar? i wanna have a retard hollerin' session with him on this one. RETARD! RETARD! RETARD!

Heather Hansma said...

Why would you beg the Internet to troll your forum like this, Max? It is self-destructive.

Mr. Controversy said...

...and this is why I watch MSNBC.

Deacon Blue said...

Speaking for Mr. Pazienza (hopefully I can channel him properly...heh, get it CNNFan..."channel" like cable channel...):

1. If you had been on your job, maybe I would have won some big-time Emmy's instead of the local shit. So, no, you are useless as tits on a bull and a penis on Matthew Broderick

2. Because you clearly don't have the resources to hire that dominatrix you so clearly want to whip your heinie.

3. If you were responsible, I'd have thanked you by now. I don't bitch about CNN because I miss the place.

4. Yes, I feel I did John a disservice, as he is a powerful dickhead and you are a dickless pinhead.

5. No, because once you can afford more porn to enjoy in your parents' basement, you'll render yourself irrelevant and, hopefully, prevent the production of future generations.

6. I love Molly Hatchet.

7. What, you don't like the free publicity?

votar said...

Should CNNFans blow harder?

Should CNNFans suck instead of blow?

Should CNNFans oscillate or impel?

Should CNNFans come equipped with the optional heating element as a standard factory feature?

Should CNNFans stir, blend, whip, frappe, dice, slice, or julienne?

Should children stick their tongues in CNNFans to make that funny noise?

Can CNNFans be used to apply popcorn ceilings?

Can Lieutenant Uhura trick aliens with her CNNFan dance?

Did you enjoy the Odessa, Texas CNNFandango?

Prophet of Ra said...

CNNfan, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Anonymous said...

"4. Was it awkward to incorrectly characterize a CNNfan as Jon Klein?"

How can something that felt so right be awkward.

I still think they may be one and the same.

replica said...

guys! I just checked and there appear to be AT LEAST three members of CNNFan. They are most dedicated. I enjoyed reviewing the very meta 'When CNN Is On The News' section. '16' is devoted to finding each and every reference. Now if I could only stalk Vermillion while producing reams of material, well, I could finally be a type A too.

Anonymous said...

These ongoing communications from Max have been the funniest or sickest things I have read in a long time. I couldn't believe all this either - but then I looked up the Wiki for "CNNFan".

Anyway, isn't it "bear in mind" Max? Or are you really nude? And "our"? One is not our - our is plural.

Finally, seven days for seven questions. Such penetratingly deep questions like "Do you feel that CNNfans help CNN Producers win Emmy Awards?" Huh? The real question should be "Do you think CNN Producers even know "CNNfan" exists or would give a sh*t if they did?" I'm bettin' not.

kanye said...

Okay...I'll give this a shot.

1. Chez categorically denies that in his capacity as CNN Producer, he's ever felt that CNNFan.

2. Chez punishes all fans with equal zest and gusto, irrespective of race. religion, sex or fan affiliation.

3. Chez' job was not lost. It's still there, there's just somebody else doing it.

4. Awkward? Did you read the book?

5. Yes...hopefully from a window on the 27th floor.

6. Just because Chez has done many hatchet jobs in the past, that doesn't necessarily make him a hatchet man. Logical fallacy my friend. Besides, he prefers a cane knife.

7. Comments, nasty or otherwise, made by Chez on his ICANN UCANN WEALLCANN registered traditional domain name: deusexmalcontent.com are the product of journalism. The very fact that a man who purports to be a "fan" of journalism entity would call for the censorship of a journalist is so rich in irony that we may all need rhetorical angioplasty, literally.

Ya see, Pal...your problem isn't with what Chez writes. Your problem is that Chez writes at all. Because in your pundit-overloaded, zippy graphics-addled mind, anyone who deviates from your idea of a proper journalistic endeavor isn't really a journalist. You may be a CNNFan, but you're no fan of journalism. My guess is that you wipe your ass with pages from Common Sense, have a picture of Izzy Stone taped up to a dartboard.

So in answer to your question, no comments will be removed, no ideas will be stifled, no voices will be muted, no books will be burned and no citizens will be rounded up. Hope this doesn't offend you fascist sensibilities too much, you Nazi cow.

drater said...

Hell, why not:

1. Do you feel that CNNfans help CNN Producers win Emmy Awards?
CNNfans? Fans? There's more than one of you? Seriously?!

2. Why would an Emmy Award winning CNN Producer punish CNNfans?
Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fans thing.

3. Are CNNfans to blame for you having lost your job at CNN?
I don't know, did you tattle to Klein about my blog?

4. Was it awkward to incorrectly characterize a CNNfan as Jon Klein?
Yes. Normally comparing someone to Klein would be a terrible insult to that person, but in your case I'm not sure who I insulted more. Kind of embarrassing, to be honest.

5. Are you blogging nasty things about our CNNfan community to get CNN to push us out too?
Hmmmm, do you really think that could work?

6. Are you the hatchet man for our CNNfan community?
No, but if you'll tell me a little about the salary, health, and pension benefits, maybe we can work something out.

7. I'll defer to Deac and Vermillion on this one.

Anonymous said...

hee hee - he said "bare" in mind.

Calitri said...

Zoltan!

BTW, do you have the continum transfuctioner? Zoltan!

Boo said...

there is certainly a bareness of mind at work here....

Rory said...

Chez, please keep bugging these guys. It is absolutely hilarious to watch people get so worked up over stuff like this. The fact that they feel like no other website is allowed to poke fun at them is a good indication that these people aren't the brightest. I say keep ripping on them. They get angry, all your readers get a good laugh. Haha!

Graham said...

5. You wrote that CNN pushed your former boss out two weeks after he fired you, because of the nasty things you blogged about him. Are you blogging nasty things about our CNNfan community to get CNN to push us out too?

Wait. CNNfan works for CNN?

Busted!

celery said...

1. No. CNN producers helped CNN win fans... and Emmy awards.

2. MARSHA! MARSHA! MARSHA!

3. If you were, then he would probably like you more.

4. dude, michael cera is huge.

5. Barbie says, "Modus Ponens is hard!"

6. http://www.carlbernstein.com/contact.php

http://famous-relationships.topsynergy.com/Bob-Woodward/Contact.asp

7. good one.

Christine said...

Hi,

I will probably get flamed for this, but I am a member and regular contributor at another CNN "fan site" - cnnfan.org

I can tell you that "CNNfan" / "Tom" / "Nexties" / "Max" (or whatever he wants to call himself tomorrow) is a serial pest and is not representative of all CNN discussion boards.

The one he runs is almost like a production line in the CNN PR factory. I just wanted to let you guys know that there are people like me who watch CNN, and have favorite anchors and like to talk about presentation as well as the actual news in a sane, controlled manner, and are happy to call out CNN.

With that said, I do have to thank CNNfan's forum - I wouldn't have found this blog otherwise.

Stephen said...

Oh that's it...now he's gonna wake up the Gimp.

Vermillion said...

With that said, I do have to thank CNNfan's forum - I wouldn't have found this blog otherwise.

No, thank you, Christine, because now we know they discuss DEM in their FORUM.

I have got to see this.

Anonymous said...

go hire a security detail - as this guy will show up on your doorstep one day. it may not be pretty