Friday, November 21, 2008

And Now, a Quick Thought from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth

You know, I've never read the Twilight books -- for all I know they may be great.

And a Ferrari may be an amazing car -- that doesn't make the guy driving it any less of a douchebag.

Seriously, remember what you used to call the girl back in high school who was really into silly vampire mythology?

Chances are you didn't call her at all -- and neither did anybody else.


chenry said...

Twilight is mary-sue self insertion vampire bullshit.

And I wish I came up with it because then I could be stinking rich too.

Mr. Controversy said...

Heh heh..."self insertion". Because that's the only "gentle caress" the girls who read these books know about...seeing as it's Mormon Abstainence Only Porn that basically says "Hey, if you change for someone, they'll love you to death! Also, vampires don't go out in the sun because they sparkle...not because it FUCKING KILLS THEM!"

DeadBessie said...

I haven't read the books and don't plan to, but I already hate the whole damn series after hearing the main girl say in the Twilight trailer, "I'd rather die than be without you."

That's a fabulous message for our young people. It's better to kill yourself early, in your teens if you have to, rather than enduring any kind of grief and then moving on with your life. Because your life is worthless if you don't have a boyfriend.

chenry said...

What, exactly, would be the downside to being a vampire then? Hell, I wouldn't mind being invincible, beautiful, super-strong and super-fast, immortal, and telepathic. Basically, a god. And the only downside is that I sparkle in the sun?

Fuck, sign me up!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for saying what desperately needed to be said.

Deacon Blue said...

Garth is uncommonly restrained and concise today...

Anonymous said...

And also, "Hey, if he REALLY loves you, it's his right to control you completely." It's a freakin' manual for emotional abuse all dolled up as a vampire romance. Must be a manual, because it's got no detectable plot.

And, vampire baseball. WTF?

LaughingWild said...

Vermillion said...

See the comparison doesn't work, because the Ferrari is an amazing car, but the Twilight books...not so much. So judging a person by it would be fairly accurate. It is a bad sign when the stars of the movie based on your book acknowledge that you are a creepy woman with creepy fans.

Even Gene Roddenberry couldn't get away with throwing his Mary Sue into Star Trek: TNG, so it amazes me that this chick does.

For those of you not familiar with the term:

Viv said...

Oh Vampire Porn.
It's dangerous because he'll probably kill you.
But he loves you so deeply that he can actually control his natural desire to KILL YOU.
At least for now. You may make love under a full moon in an orchard and all the while he wants to KILL YOU.
But he loves you so he probably, most likely...pretty sure he's not going to. At least not tonight.
But he might in the future. Oh the danger of death. Do cry out oh tortured soul. Love be thy name.

Seany D said...

I went out to catch Quantum of Solace last night and there were already a swath of kids lined up for the midnight showing. I have never seen a more ridiculous group of 16-year old girls in my life.

owl said...

"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep."

How could the book NOT be good?

randy said...

Lie.. you called her... you called her a lot!!!!!

tallulahbankhead said...

I get why teenagers love Twilight series (I think its a safe place for them to put their sexual urges until they are ready to participate)
but I don't get the adults who read the series and love it.

And yes I wish I could create something that turns repression into cash.

jtruant said...

You guys are some serious a-holes. Is there anything wrong with teenagers actually being excited to READ SOMETHING. No, I didn't read the TWILIGHT books, and I don't plan to (I like the more grownup stuff), but my daughter loves it and I think it's great. Seriously, it's better than playing video games all frickin' day and going to the mall.

Michele said...

What's the difference between a cacti and Ferraris? The cacti has pricks on the outside...

I love vampire shit! Though I've never read this recent crop. Whitley Streiber and early Anne Rice were it for me. Nadja's kinda sucky, but for a vampire movie, pretty artsy.

I will probably go see this, because I am unemployed and the theatre will be empty at 10 a.m.

I can't stand how BLUE the footage is.

And it can' be worse than True Blood. Dear god.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

These books are horrible. Stephenie Meyer is the world's best-paid Mary Sue.

And yes, I'm pissed that I didn't think of it first.

Doc said...

Fast forward to 2023 when you daughter absolutely *loves* these books and tells you how you completely don't know how great they are and you should read them, etc. etc.

And I think all your readers look forward to you posting the family pic when you get dragged to Disney World.

No Dad gets out of that duty! :)

winged unicorn said...

my daughter writes. she is an AMAZING writer. she loves the twilight books. that beign siad, she is discerning enough to observe that they are trash, entertaining sick, perverted trash.
but that is the curse of the genre.

The Wamplers said...

I am proud to admit that I am a 30-year-old, normally well-read, and self-proclaimed culture snob who is obsessed with these books.

I don't know why. I probably need help.

I normally cringe at what my friends are reading: Nicholas Sparks or some Shopaholic Gets Married to Mr. Big bullshit that I HATE. I hate "chick flicks" and romantic comedies. I really do.

But I love these books.

And I saw the movie. On opening day.

I can freely and readily admit that they are not even well-written. At all. There are plot holes you could drive a truck through.

But I love them. I love staying up late reading them even though I know my 7-month-old is going to be up in an hour and I'll be exhausted. I love talking about them with my girlfriends. I loved sitting next to a bunch of 15 year olds in the theater.

Maybe it's because I peaked at 16. Who knows.

But I'm not afraid to admit that I'm hooked on this mindless brain candy. It's the ultimate guilty pleasure.

I promise to never, EVER read Nicholas Sparks.

xoch said...

Aww, come on! Yes, it is a Mary Sue self insertion fantasy. Chauvinist Dreck. But I find it entertaining escapist dreck!

In my defense, I read the series while the Bush administration was in power. Oh, wait, they still are. But Barack Hussein Obama is presidente electo and I once again sleep at night so this makes a big difference.

Haven't seen the movie, though. I'm only talking about the books, which are involuntarily funny with the "He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.." shit. But I kept on reading.

Like the above commenter said, "they are not even well-written. At all. There are plot holes you could drive a truck through". But you could probably say the same thing about a lot of series (Not Firefly, though. Never Firefly.)

- Xoch