Thursday, September 25, 2008

Money Makes the Girl Go Round

The economy being what it is right now, NBC is taking every opportunity to throw CNBC's money babe, Erin Burnett, on the air to provide analysis and give Wall Street brokers and investors one last fantasy to take to their graves as they auto-erotically asphyxiate themselves. This also gives me the chance to bring back this rude little entry from last January.

I realize I'm a little late to the party on this one, but it's not as if I get some kind of Bat-signal every time one of America's TV news talking-heads makes a colossal ass out of him or herself. I'd never get anything done.

Earlier this month, CNBC's Erin Burnett -- who's been dubbed, in thoroughly professional fashion, the "Street Sweetie" -- penned a column for Men's Health magazine, supposedly detailing the eight ways in which a potential suitor might impress her and, one would imagine, melt her cold, cold heart.

Unfortunately, though not unexpectedly, it reads like The Narcissistic Bitch's Guide to Gold-Digging.

I admit that Erin Burnett is positively gorgeous -- an opinion confirmed in the tawdriest of manners by Chris Matthews's inability to talk to her on-air without little hearts dancing over his head -- and if her almost impossibly over-the-top list of turn-ons is some kind of Kaufmanesque joke, she's also the coolest woman on Earth. But it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she's completely serious when she insinuates that the simple gestures she longs for all involve the use of an American Express Black Card.

Well, never one to deny the desires of a beautiful woman, I want to not only take the lovely Miss Burnett up on her challenge -- I'd like to offer my own list of the eight things she might do, in turn, to win my little-boy affections.

I've already taken the liberty of mailing my entire wallet as well as the contents of my 401k and a couple of hits of ecstasy I found buried in my medicine cabinet to Erin's Park Avenue address.

As for my requests -- they are, needless to say, made in spirit of Erin's own list.

Ladies first:

(Men's Health: Erin Burnett's "8 Ways to Impress Me")

Now, mine:

1. Life's a Beach I'm a big fan of long walks on the beach, my feet sinking into the sand as cool waves swirl around my heels. If Erin would buy me Hawaii, that'd be awesome.

2. Pleased to Meet Them Music is one of my passions. I'd truly appreciated it if Erin would get the Replacements back together, including bringing Bob Stinson back from the dead, and pay them to play in my living room -- nightly.

3. The Better to See You With I can't imagine a more wonderful evening than one that involves Erin and myself curled up on the couch, her rubbing my feet and my tired XBOX hand, watching her on television. This is why Erin should buy me a 70" plasma-screen HDTV.

4. Forever in Her Debt Since I plan to shower Erin with gifts of all shapes and sizes, buying her anything her heart desires, I can only ask that she pay off all my credit card bills and give me her own cards to use -- you know, just in case of emergency.

5. Please My Palate Too Like my scrumptious CNBC goddess, I'm a big fan of great food. It's for this reason that I'd like Erin to kill Rachael Ray and bring me her heart. Then go out and buy me something -- anything at all.

6. Family Ties I agree with Erin that there's nothing more important than family. If she really wants to impress me -- and I know she does -- she'll tattoo a giant image of my beloved Grand-dad on her stomach so that her pubic hair becomes his beard. If by some chance she's fully waxed, that's okay -- Grand-dad needed a shave anyway. I expect her to have the work done at High Voltage Tattoo in Los Angeles, pay for it, then buy me the studio and engage in a threesome with myself and Kat Von D.

7. Like a Prayer I consider myself a very spiritual person. I wake each morning with a smile on my face and a song of praise in my heart, grateful for the new day that God has given me and the bounty of treasures -- material and rarefied -- that he's bestowed upon me. I put my life in the caring hands of Jesus Christ and accept that there is no obstacle too daunting for the one true God. He will reward those who believe in him and punish those who defile his divine name. Unfortunately, he tends to take his time with the whole punishment thing, so I'd like Erin to buy me the Roman Catholic church, execute Benedict XVI and have me elected Pope under penalty of death.

8. Put Her There Nothing, and I mean nothing compares to life's simplest pleasures, to wit, a nice cup of tea just before bed. This is why there's no better way for Erin to prove her undying love -- than to let me teabag her.

Erin, if you're out there reading this, I'll be awaiting your response -- or your lawyer's anyway.


hollygirl78 said...

I just had to explain to my coworkers why I was laughing so hard that I snorted Diet Pepsi through my nose. Thaaaaaaaaaaanks. :-)

em said...

You had me at #1, but teabagging? Killed me.

Anonymous said...

Tell me you read the comments people read behind.
exactorman wrote:
Erin 8 Ways To Impress Me

1. Fly Me 1st Class From California To New York

2. Hire a Stretch Limo To Drive Me To Your Place

3. Serve Me Caviar & Champagne

4. Hire Paul Bocuse To Prepare a Meal That You Serve

5. Have Celine Dion Sing Me Romamntic Songs To Get Me In The Mood

6. After Dinner Slip Into The Most Expensive Negligee From Victoria Secrets

7. Botox For Your Lips So They Are Full and Supple

8. Kiss My A**

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't PAY to have that gold digging whorebag CUNT (There I go again) kiss my ass if there were lip condoms available.

Although, I would allow her to blow me, then I'd shoot my load all over her floor, wipe my dick with her hair and leave.

Steve said...

Funny how none of Erin's desires seem to involve her and the impressor's doing anything together.

It's all "give me this, and I'll get back to you".

I'm hoping for Kaufmanesque.

Pea said...

I'm dismayed to see that I share book tastes with Erin. The Blue Sword & Guns, Germs, and Steel are also two of my favourites (I'm hoping she doesn't also love The Red Tent and The Power of One or that's really creepy)

I'm really hoping that she was being facetious with this list. Cuz otherwise... yikes.

Mercenary bitch.


1. Simple way to impress Pea:
Save all the money you would have used to lavish attention on Erin and pay off my mortgage. Seriously, living in downtown Toronto ain't cheap. I'll show my gratitude.

Pale Writer said...

Maybe it was a joke? I mean, is she really that much of a Sarah Palin where she can't see the horror in what she's saying?