Monday, September 29, 2008

All God's Children


This morning, the Today show continued its bizarre love affair with the traveling Evangelical baby factory known as the Duggar clan -- which allows me to "resurrect" (pardon the pun) what I wrote the last time these people appeared on the show, four months ago. For the record, I kept waiting for the Duggar mom to announce this morning that she was pregnant again while she was still carrying her latest child.

In case you were lucky enough to miss it, the Duggar family took time out from its hectic overpopulation schedule to grace the Today show this morning, where they were treated to heaps of warm encomia on-camera (and were mercilessly joked about off-camera). For those who don't have a subscription to Procreation Weekly, the Duggars -- Jim Bob and Michelle -- are the lucky parents of 17 children. Michelle, who essentially has an assembly line that ends at her cervix, cranks out about a kid a year, and has since 1988.

It goes completely without saying that the Duggars are full-on fundamentalist Christians who live in Arkansas, don't believe in contraception, home-school their entire brood, and somehow find a way to joyfully drop the name of the Lord every fifteen seconds or so like there's a Skinner Box treat in it for them.

Think of the Flanders -- times nine.

Or maybe that polygamist cult in Texas, as dressed by the Gap.

All morning, Today hyped the appearance by America's favorite freakshow, teasing viewers with hints of a "big announcement" that mom Michelle was going to make live on the air.

If you couldn't see this one coming, you were probably home-schooled: That's right, they're having another baby -- number 18!

At least the show's producers had the cynical forethought not to tease that it was a "big surprise announcement."

I really don't have a joke here; this whole thing kind of makes its own gravy. I just needed somebody to laugh at and poke with a stick this morning and you know something, the Duggars are right -- the Lord does provide.

(Incidentally, yes, that's them in the picture)

16 comments:

Greyhawk68 said...

Man, these people are insane and really give homeschoolers a bad name.

My wife and I homeschool and we're athiests, believe in zero population growth and are pretty liberal leaning.

My wife has a masters in Childhood Education and has run a daycare center and taught Kindergarten. We homeschool because we can educate better (at THIS point in our kids lives) than the local school system can.

I know it's an easy target, but please don't lump ALL homeschoolers in with the religious fundamentalists. Some of us aren't nuts! :-)

Take Care,
Grey

Mr. Controversy said...

So against all conventional wisdom, and the higher risk of dying during child birth with every child, they're just going to continue pushing their luck?

Reminds me of the last time my girlfriend and I talked about this subject, when she politely told me "After three, my uterus would shut down."

em said...

Every time I hear anything about this family, the phrase "it's like trying to throw a hotdog down a hallway" immediately pops into my head.

Deacon Blue said...

Well, of course, Chez...she wouldn't be announcing a new pregnancy now with that current one in her belly. That would be silly.

Of course, she should have told the world that the magical spermatazoa that God decreed would create the next Duggar fetus had already been deposited by Jim Bob.

It will wait, protected by the power of the Holy Ghost, right there inside Michelle until she gives birth, then it will squish itself really hard against the walls of her girly parts while the current baby is birthed, and then it will swim along to fertilize the next egg available, and she can announce right after #18 is put into a receiving blanket that she is miraculously pregnant again.

Frankly, I'm just waiting to see which one of the Duggar kids is the first to "go bad."

Otis said...

Wow. Look at the bright side, there are plenty of potential organ donors for mom and dad.

kanye said...

When I was a kid, I left my catchers mitt out in the rain for a week.

I imagine her vag must look a lot like that.

Fred said...

I suppose that when her water breaks, all she has to do is stand up and out falls the baby. It might even happen while shes in the kitchen loading up the feeding troughs for the brood when suddenly she hears a "PLOP" and there is the new kid, rolling around at her feet.

What would we hear next?

"Paw, strap that 2x4 on again- ah got room fer anudder!"

Anonymous said...

Help control the planet's population. Have the Duggars spayed or neutered.

Seriously, why bother driving a hybrid or going to a four-day work-week or replacing your light bulbs with CFLs or going vegetarian? Spray some Round Up on Michelle Duggar's ovaries and you'll save the planet.

RottweilerTOM said...

It's NOT funny, just really really fucking disturbing

Lucas said...

I bet one of their kids is going to come out some kind of creative genius artistic rebel. My money's on Joy-Anna.

And hell, 18 kids, there's a gay one in there somewhere.

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

I feel sorry for those children.

Andrew Smash said...

Freaking breeders - it's like a cattle farm for cannibals.

Ref said...

Greyhawk, do trash homeschoolers regularly, BECAUSE you are by far an exception. I'd guess better than 80% are people trying to avoid having their kids be taught to think for themselves, and utterly unqualified to teach anything. I'd bet you can avoid a problem I see even in good homeschoolers, which is the inability of the kids to be social. Best wishes.

Blade said...

I have to respect the parents ability to raise that many children without it turning into utter chaos and anarchy. Also, they have enough income to support that many children.

So, yeah, trash talk their beliefs, but imo, just because she uses her vag as a clown car, doesn't mean that there's anything inherently wrong with that.

btw, the pregnancy was announced like over a month ago, but they just announced the gender now.

Anonymous said...

How do they provide for all these children? Apparently they are both real estate agents. In this market? Also, their ecological footprint is huge. In this overpopulated world, this is selfish. Why not adopt? Aren't orphans also gifts from God?

Deacon Blue said...

@ blade:

Yes, but how much of that income that allows them to support their huge family is due primarily to the fact that they've been on five separate calbe TV documentary series now.

I suspect that if I had five shows under my belt and was hosting Jim Sammons "Financial Freedom Seminars" that, just like non-religious versions of such seminars fleece people by having them pay for this wonderful advice that won't work for most of them...along with whatever else they're raking in from people who want to help support them...well, I guess my family could live debt-free too.

Yes, they have a right to whatever size family they want...but they've long since been cashing in on the size of their family like carnivals used to cash in on "freaks."