Now that I'm making regular trips to the pediatrician's office again for the first time in decades, I've noticed something that's bugged me since I was a kid. It's a problem that needs to finally be addressed because it seems that it's still going on, even after all this time.
Would the selfish fucking bastards who keep circling the hidden objects in "Highlights" magazine please knock it the hell off? For fuck's sake -- they put the magazines in the goddamned waiting room so that everyone can enjoy them, not just you, you inconsiderate pricks. Jesus Christ, what good is a hidden object puzzle if you've already pointed out where everything is? Thanks, Indy -- hope you feel real fucking good about being the first to dig through the magazine page and find all that buried treasure. Nice of you to double and triple circle the sailboat cleverly concealed in the drawing of the little girl's shoe so the rest of us can have the opportunity to marvel at your keen eye. Next time why not sign your name at the bottom of the picture so your 7th grade skill level at puzzle-solving can really be saved for posterity -- or better yet, just piss all over the goddamned thing to mark your territory. Dammit.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Search and Destroy
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You can do what I do, and bring a book.
...
i do that. and yes i'm proud of my seventh grade skills. so let me get this straight - no one is supposed to find the hidden items? not even kids? or is your ire aimed just at adults? you ageist bastard!
ok, i'm just kidding. i actually wish they'd have highlights mags at all docs offices. and multiple copies. then we could ALL enjoy!
long live highlights!!
Aww Chez, the sleep deprivation is really getting to you.
It's o.k. It's alllll going to be o.k.
When my son was born I took him, two days after birth, to the pediatrician. My wife had made the appointment in the hospital and didn't tell my why I was taking him. Much to my surprise, while I was standing there, with all the suddenness of a leopard pouncing (it seemed to me) the fucking doctor, circumcised him. The first thing I saw when walking out of the exam room was a Highlights magazine sitting on a chair. I have never been able to look at them again. In fact, when I see them I have a something akin to a mental seizure.
Did someone miss their nap? Granted, I agree with you, but you sound a little...cranky?
Tell me you aren't itching for the day for your daughter is old enough to do those puzzles with you!
You can sit in the doc's office with her, find a clean page and f' it all up. Patience my friend, your day will come. :)
Highlights used to be a great magazine...the "gold standard" of the children's waiting room publishing industry. No more.
The magazine's upper management has completely fucked it up. They could care less about a cleverly hidden puppy or a well-jumbled word...it's all about the bottom line now.
It really is sad to see how this once prestigious publication, an institution I would say, has devolved into a pastiche of mind-numbingly simple "puzzles", product placement and government propaganda. Truly revolting.
Sorry for the rant...full disclosure: I was once employed as a Senior Puzzle producer for Highlights. During my time there, I won two Jumblies and a Silver Waldo Award. I was fired for blogging.
instead of ranting at the kids who do this rant at the parents who let them. If no one ever teaches them otherwise they'll never learn that it's wrong.
Kanye, man -- you're a god.
Dude, drink, take a Xanax, whatever... no need to blow a gasket.
A Mali Estremi, Estremi Rimedi
Not to be a ballbuster, but believe it or not, being that my grandfather was a physician, I was lucky enough to have semi-exclusive access to Highlights. I loved them so, that "Grammy and Grampy" ordered me my own for home, God bless em!
My prescription: Grab yourself a subscription.
www.highlights.com or call 1-800-255-9517
1 year for under 30 bucks. (2.47 an issue, less than a cuppa joe at “Fourbucks”)
Peace!
Alex.
Highlights has, does, and always will SUCK!
For everyone here who doesn't have kids yet and doesn't know the score, don't worry...Chez will be able to get some sleep soon.
Like, maybe by the time his little girl is one.
Or two.
Then he'll stop being able to sleep again as soon as she starts to show interest in makeup AND boys.
Obviously, a writer for a competing magazine.
To Deacon,
Oh.. I know. I was going to mention something about sleeping, but I thought it was kind of a low blow :D
Instead, I went for a real suggestion. Though it was tinged with sarcasm, but that, sir, is just me. :)
(But seriously Chez, do bring a book lol)
That is something Goofus must have done - we all know Gallant would never do such a thing!
And a good suggestion it was, Amy.
I'm a veteran of the no-sleep brigade myself, which is why I took the sarcastic road. For a multitude of reasons that are way too detailed and boring for anyone to want to hear here, I haven't really slept in my own bed for the past two years thanks to my little girl (been camped out on her floor 95% of the time), and the first year the little girl co-slept with the wife and me, so you can imagine how restful that wasn't.
So, even at the age of three, my sleep ain't all it could be, and I hope Chez and/or Jayne fare better. I'm planning to be back in my bed before she's halfway to four, but we'll see.
To add to your advice, though, Amy, in addition to bringing a book, Chez should bring a riding crop or fly swatter to smack any adult he catches permanently marking up an office copy of Highlights...or any adult who lets their kids do it.
chez, will you get more or less sleep if inara's interested in girls instead of boys? (today's loaded question)
Oh, it gets worse. In a few years, you daughter will begin noticing Disney. Which means you will have occasion to get reacquainted with Tinkerbelle. And she will take on a mental journey into some personal places you would rather not explore, my friend.
It was me who circled your precious hidden objects. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it. O_o
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