Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Old Testament


Apparently, naming Miramax after their parents Mira and Max wasn't enough of a mitzvah toward America's Jewish octogenarian community for Bob and Harvey Weinstein; they've just announced that Weinstein books will be publishing what it calls "the definitive autobiography of Larry King," entitled What Am I Doing Here? (coincidentally, the same thing many in the book's target demographic say after being stopped by police while wandering lonely roads in hospital robes at four in the morning -- although in defense of the name, Interview with the Vampire was already taken).

Ever the master of understatement, Harvey Weinstein claims that the book "will be absolutely devoured by Larry King's millions of fans." You have to assume that this assessment fails to factor in the number of Larry's followers who, between now and the book's 2009 release date, will grow tired of a steady diet of apple sauce, colorful pills, and unproductive trips to the bathroom and make that final decision to go into the light. Larry King himself has also already contributed the first disproportionately positive blurb for the book, saying, "This is the greatest work in the history of old Jewish guy biographies!"

On the plus side in all of this, The Boondock Saints just became the second worst project the Weinsteins have ever attached themselves to.

8 comments:

Mr. Controversy said...

A.) Boondock Saints wasn't THAT bad. The director was just an asshole. (Or at least, I had heard he was.)

B.) I'm surprised Larry King didn't say that his book was, "the best thing to come down the pike since...well, since the last Jewish guy wrote an autobiography that was guaranteed not to sell." I mean, he loves to use that phrase constantly with movies.

Anonymous said...

You can say that about Boondock Saints because you're too goddamned old to have been in High School when it was released, and to have every goddamned Tarantino wannabe pushing this movie like it was some sort of combination of Die Hard and The Last Temptation of Christ.

"It blows Pulp Fiction out of the water!"

No. Fucking die. Die and spend eternity sucking on Satan's ass vomit.

I presume future high schoolers will not be tortured by idiot friends pushing the Larry King biography and it will not make every moron who ever saw Reservoir Dogs think that they can make a cult hit film even if they write scripts so bad even Cuba Gooding Jr.'s agent would toss them in the garbage. For that alone this project won't touch Boondock Saints in pure evil.

Dave B. said...

The only thing about Larry King I ever found amusing were the articles written in ESPN magazine (or was it SI?) that were purportedly, but obviously not, written by Larry King.

For the most part - and I could be wrong here - Larry King is a waste of valuable air time.

Then again, that could describe 99.8% of all major news network programming.

And I must agree with my esteemed colleague; Boondock Saints wasn't that bad. It DID have Billy Connolly.

Though why a Scot was playing an Irishman I'll never fathom.

Crys said...

"You have to assume that this assessment fails to factor in the number of Larry's followers who, between now and the book's 2009 release date, will grow tired of a steady diet of apple sauce, colorful pills, and unproductive trips to the bathroom and make that final decision to go into the light. "

HILARIOUS!

Anonymous said...

Hey! I loved boondock saints!

Artemisian said...

I quite liked Boondock Saints, actually. Only saw it recently, but thought it had some great imagery going for it.

Anonymous said...

Will Larry live long enough to see the release of this book?

It will be cool to hear about the time when dinosaurs roamed the earth from someone who was actually there!

schwa242 said...

What Am I Doing Here?

I think this question is on his mind quite often as he seems to get confused rather easily. Election coverage gets especially painful while he dodders around the room with the big map of the US asking his cow-orkers the same questions over and over again.