Monday, July 28, 2008

The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I think it's time to once again add to the list of random thoughts and observations that don't necessarily merit a full post.

Prole Food

When did Wendy's restaurants get brought under the control of the Ministry of Truth? The TV commercials for their new garden fresh salads feature a perky female announcer asking the following question: "If warm chicken is good, and cold, crunchy veggies are good -- then wouldn't a warm chicken and cold, crunchy veggies salad be good-good?"

So it's official: Wendy's is the first fast food chain to translate its menu into Orwellian Newspeak.

The next time you stop in, try ordering a doubleplusgood salad, a potatofry and a big-big Victory Coke.

One Is a Relic from the Past, Rendered Obsolete by Changing Times -- The Other Is an Old Cell Phone

I can't get enough of this picture. It unintentionally sums up the essence of John McCain's campaign in just about every way.

Somewhere David Spade is saying (to himself), "Hey John, 1984 called -- they want the phone they called you on back."

Berkley Students

Speaking of ancient history: Remember not when MTV played music videos (because that was just too long ago) but when the worst complaint you could level at MTV was that it didn't play videos anymore? You know -- the days before it began airing nothing but toxic crap like The Hills 24/7? Well, apparently Tila Tequila and that dunce Heidi Montag haven't done enough to prepare America's next generation of young women for regret-stained futures in the prostitution industry, because the network is now bringing out the big guns. Elizabeth Berkley, star of 1995's rape-tastic film classic Showgirls, is in talks with MTV to develop a show aimed at empowering adolescent girls. Berkley wants to base the show on a series of workshops she currently hosts which addresses self-esteem and body issues in young women -- because, as you know, these days no one's more qualified to convince girls that they're attractive just the way they are than a goddamned living Barbie doll who hosts a reality show and once pretended to go down on Gina Gershon.

If I might suggest a title for the show, how about Stupid is the New Smart?

Ferris Bueller's Lay Off

If you believe what you read in the tabloids, there's major trouble in the marriage of New York's homeliest celebrity couple. According to this week's Star Magazine (motto: "Fuck It, We Can Retract Later") Matthew Broderick has been cheating on Sarah Jessica Parker. The magazine says Broderick met someone at a bar a few months ago and that the two of them have been slyly tooling around town together ever since. The most entertaining thing about this story, however, is the specific angle that the Star has wisely decided to play up for shock value. The magazine's cover points out that Broderick's affair is, surprisingly, "with a 25 year old woman."

For the record, the tabloid could just as easily have said that Broderick is sleeping with someone who doesn't look like the business end of a Tijuana donkey show, and the effect would've been the same.

(The Cynicist Manifesto: American Idol Edition/3.6.08)


Not Only, But Also Lee said...

Those Wendys ads are easy enough to explain: after the painful inanity of those dudes-wearing-red-Wendy-wigs ads, they're retreating to safe advertising ground: attractive women and close-ups of food.

Mr. Controversy said...

Is it wrong of me to want to high five Matthew Broderick for stepping out on War Admiral over there? Also, that cover proves that when no one truly gives a shit about your kids, they premiere their baby pictures in the Star. (Ms. Berry, I'm still waiting for you to act.)

Final note: McDonalds should rename themselves to McDowalls and start a Clockwork Orange themed advertising campaign. You know, to be competitive.

celery said...

so liz skankly has an "empowerment" reality show.

screech put out a porn video and is now writing a tell-all book.

mario lopez is on, like, three craptastic entertainment competition shows.

who ever thought that the saved by the bell cast would have new millennium cultural currency?

at least the degrassi kids knew when to disappear, i.e. the day after the show went off the air.

someone should stage a saved by the bell reunion and blow the place up on the first day of shooting.

oops, am i now on the terrorist watch list?

Chez said...

"Happy Meals now come with Milk Plus Velocet or the red red vino on tap! McDowells: Come and get one in the yarbles -- if you have any yarbles."

Dave B. said...

You know, from that angle in that picture, Parker kind of looks like the guy from Mask.

I must say it's an improvement.

Mr. Controversy said...

Chez, once more you've made me laugh so hard I was afraid I'd either have an aneurysm or get fired. Viddie well, my brother, viddie well.

Anonymous said...

"What about the vagina?"

Aloysius Stitches said...

So when Elizabeth Berkley went in for her first meeting with the MTV people, do you think she was so excited or so scared?

Harris said...

Pretended? Pretended?! Fuck, man. Why don't you go down to the orphanage and tell the kids there's no Santa Claus too, you heartless prick? First the Fat Boys break up, now this. There's just nothing to believe in anymore.

Jaci said...

Awesomely enough, that Wendy's commercial came on not even thirty seconds before Pajiba shot my ass over here.

I thought Elizabeth Berkley was a blowup doll. I figured they were using the same technology to make her mouth move that they do in movies with cats and dogs that talk and sing and shit. You're saying shes....alive?

Huh. Could've fooled me.

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

If it's true that deleted scenes from Ferris Bueller had him in a whorehouse fucking 4 hookers at once, maybe early Alzheimer's is setting in and he is trying to relive his character's past glories.

Maybe he's just sick of her.

Or...perhaps it's just a lie.

Stephen said...

I heard he was caught cheating with the WOPR.

Felis Femina said...

Elizabeth Berkley used to take dance classes at Broadway Dance Center. I once saw her in the locker room pulling a "Jessi Spano", trying to be all wholesome and positive and nosing her way into a conversation with two girls who were complaining about boys.

Perhaps I had stumbled upon one of her "empowering adolescent girls" workshops?

Anonymous said...

Geez cut Matty some slack, he wanted to try another species for once and everyone goes all ape shit on him.

Tabes said...

I watched There Will Be Blood again last night. That movie is so captivating that I completely forgot to tell the people I was watching with about "I. Mock. Your. HORSEFACE! Neeeiiiggghh! I mock it up!"