Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Resistance is Futile


To: Chez Pazienza, AKA "Deus Ex Malcontent"
From: General Malaise, Cmdr. DUNCECOM Allied Forces
Date: June 24th, 2008


Mr. Pazienza,

First, allow me to say that you have fought the good fight and, as such, have been an honorable opponent in the face of overwhelming odds. There is no condescension meant in the demand which I must now make, nor should any shame be taken by you regarding what, I believe, you now have no choice but to do. You've stood valiantly against our assaults for more than two years, weathered the daunting firepower of some of the strongly and most finely-crafted idiocy we could bombard you with: the Don Imus "scandal," Sex and the City mania, Ben Stein's "Intelligent Design" movie, anything Al Sharpton has had to say, Hannah Montana, NBC's "All American Summer" lineup. Once again, to your immense credit, you have withstood it all, and even fought back vigorously.

But you must now, this morning, concede that you have been beaten. It is time to put down your pen, take a step back from your keyboard, unplug your MacBook and surrender, if for no other reason than to prevent any further anguish to either side in this fierce battle.

Surely you understand -- after reading the recent article on CNN.com., originally posted on Oprah.com -- the hopelessness of resistance at this point. We hesitated for some time to commit to the nuclear option against you, but we feel that you left us no alternative but to publish the aforementioned article, entitled "Empathy Deficit Disorder: Do You Suffer From It?" and documenting, mostly through a series of testimonials from the dumbest women we could assemble, a completely new disorder that pop psychologists (in our employ) just pulled out of their asses on a whim. The forces of DUNCECOM were fully aware when we contracted the creation of this so-called "condition" the fact that it sounded a lot cooler and less threatening than sociopathy (think "Sociopathy-Lite, for Housewives!") and was essentially the same thing. We also understood that upon reading it, the inside of your brain, Mr. Pazienza, would detonate in a massive explosion that would kill millions of innocent brain cells; despite the awareness of such collateral damage, however, we once again felt that this drastic action had to be taken to force you to finally concede defeat.

Please know that this will only be the first strike in a larger campaign of atom-splitting stupidity against you and the dwindling few intelligent members of the general public, if you do not surrender immediately and unconditionally. We have several more nonsensical media-driven, Oprah-approved cultural and medical breakthroughs -- complete with guest shots on the Today show and best-selling self-help books -- waiting in the wings, all carefully engineered to produce the kind of physically painful chain-reaction of catalepsy in your brain that will render you completely unable to crawl out from under your covers and utterly terrified of the world beyond your home.

It doesn't have to be this way, but make no mistake, we will not hesitate to mentally crush you if we have to.

Just wait until we unleash the new season of VH-1's "Celebreality."

Believe me, you don't want to see Richard Grieco and Peter DeLuise in 43 Jump Street, or Wentz and Simpson: Swinging Celebs.

Please, do the right thing. You have no choice.

We await your reply.

-- General Malaise

To: General Malaise, Cmdr. DUNCECOM Allied Forces
From: Chez Pazienza, AKA "Deus Ex Malcontent"
Date: June 24th, 2008


General Malaise,

Fuck it. Meet me at the Starbucks on 75th and 1st (the one on the southeast corner) and bring the paperwork -- and a bottle of Effexor.

-- Chez

(CNN.com/Oprah.com: Empathy Deficit Disorder -- Do You Suffer from It?/6.18.08)

33 comments:

Manny said...

Waitaminute..."Empathy Defecit Disorder"?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Seriously, if you are, please stop. I mean it, stop. They can't possibly be serious about slapping a psychological disorder onto anyone that's an insensitive prick...cuz if they are, there's a wholllle lotta poeple in trouble (cough Chez cough).

Anonymous said...

actually, i prefer to call it 'empathy deficit enhancement' in all its oxymoronic splendor!

and fuck anyone who disagrees.

Steve said...

"Insensitive Prick Disorder"?

Heh. Chez got IPD!

Anonymous said...

I'm finding it hard to care.

Ally said...

Yeah, yeah, I get the drift. I was on board until you fucking pissed me off with the housewife comment.

The "housewife" thing is so tired already. For every 20 of your Oprah-following, dimwitted, pathetic overweight little housewives, there's 20 more who don't feel the need to bring attention to themselves for what they do everyday, don't watch Oprah or even give a shit who she is, support their husbands, raise considerate and healthy children, hold extended families together, take care of their bodies and minds, and contribute to society in a number of ways.

What, exactly, is your bitch here? Housewives in general, or housewives who watch Oprah? Clarify that for me, please, because not one of my housewife friends watches that cunt.

Of the few people I know watching that moron, none of them are housewives. They are all small business owners, and much too important to dirty their hands with something like housework, or child rearing, or cooking - or the dozens of other duties a housewife takes on.

It's just gotten so PC lately to demoralize housewives and all that they do. Oh, sure - single out the worst of the kind, and label ALL housewives as such. No one has the fucking guts to stand up - except on Mother's Day - and speak for the few traditional housewives who give everything, every ounce of their being, to creating a haven for their family.

Take a long look at your beautiful wife and soon to be born child, and tell me I'm wrong, Chez. Tell me when that child comes into this world, you won't bend over backwards to do everything in your power to make a good home for her.

What the hell do you think housewives do?

Sucha dick.

heatherhansma said...

Okay, I actually started reading that 'article' last week because I was curious.

I could not finish it because the idiocy was overwhelming.

Why is CNN re-posting all these Oprah.com blogs anyway?

Oh wait. Never mind. I figured it out.

Vermillion said...

Wait, you're surrendering? I am going to assume you are intending to have a vest full of C-4 on, so if you have to go out, you can take a overpriced corporate shill (with admittedly addictive blended coffees) and the head of DUNCECOM with you. If you don't do it, I will. I will not accept anything less.

Empathy...Deficit...Disorder. What the hell? I thought the old name was fine: "Yeah, that little setback is really something, but get the hell over it and move on, because life sucks and then you die."

I was under the impression that was a good thing. Thank you, Oprah and CNN, for setting me straight!

Seriously, while I get the sentiment, and maybe some folks could use a little more empathy and understanding on both sides, calling it a "disorder" is pretty goddamn insulting. Especially since the "cure" is basically "lie like a rug until you start actually feeling bad."

winged unicorn said...

ummm...
"Believe me, you don't want to see Richard Grieco and Peter DeLuise in 43 Jump Street, or Wentz and Simpson: Swinging Celebs."

fuck the effexor.
pass the hemlock.

unless you want to make this into a party. then pass the Kool-Aid.

VOTAR said...

Yes, but think about it.

With the establishment of a disease called Empathy Deficit Disorder would naturally also come the arrival on the pharmaceutical market of the doctor-prescribed, chemically polar opposite medication to treat the condition:

Empathy eXpanding Tactile Amplification and Seratonin Yield formula(*).



Come to think of it, I've already got a few doses in a film canister tucked away in the back of my sock drawer.



I think I feel an episode of E.D.D. coming on...








(*) Now with a drop of Retsin(**)









(**) Ding!

Anonymous said...

Is this an insurable medical condition?! I've been waiting for years to speak my mind at work with a rock solid medical condition - other than insanity - that prevents my untimely release from the employment of bumbling idiots and those for whom we work.

BV said...

I don't have empathy for cunts who don't deserve it.

Now, show me a starving village or an abused child and I will show you my empathy.

The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

Phil said...

Next up Sally Jessie: Credulity Deficit Disorder -- As ratings continue to decline, could chemical lobotomies of key viewer demographics be the answer?

Heather said...

Don't do it Chez! Don't surrender! You're the last hope of those of us still resisting the stupidity! Think of it this way: maybe someday soon, everyone who believes this crap will either medicate themselves into the grave, thus leaving the smart ones to take back what is rightfully ours; or they will be so medicated we can easily overtake them, once again giving the control back to the smart people.

What do you think?

Chris said...

I never thought of myself as suffering from a deficit in empathy--I actually have Low Tolerance of Whiners Syndrome. Note that I don’t suffer from it. I have it. I own it. I think the woman did the right thing by her friend: “You’ve got a good story to tell.” I guess they would rather her wallow in it for months and slowly work her way back up… and then write a self-help book about it! (Probably to promote on Oprah--A division of Harpo Productions, LLC).

Chez said...

Wow Ally, you can put up with all my invective aimed in every direction, but the minute I make a joke about housewives you bring down the wrath of -- literally in your case -- God.

Relax honey. Take a valium or something. I meant no harm.

b80vin said...

Shit! I was freelancing an article titled, "Occasional Human Failure: Are You A Part-Time Asshole" but it seems so redundant at this point.

Jayne said...

Ally, trust me- he's joking on that one.
Proof? (sorry to blow your cover, sweetie...) Chez has very much become the stay-at-home househusband who is about to become the busy and very much appreciated stay-at-home-dad while I continue with my job. He does have the utmost of respect, I promise!

Chez said...

Dammit! How dare you let everyone in on the fact that I'm not actually an undercover operative for a shadowy government agency -- and the only one who stands in the way of a madman bent on destroying the world.

Cunt.

See how white guys love to say that to their wives?

: )

Jayne said...

Oh baby you know how much we professional women just looove being put in our place, don't you??


Just you wait 'til I get home...


you working on dinner yet?

Mr. Controversy said...

Unless your cover is that you have no cover, which would make you a spy pretending not to be a spy who's pretending to be a spy...if you ask me, it all sounds rather Daffy Duck. Don't give up though, keep fighting the good fight. It just makes it that much sweeter when you tell the idiots who bring about the apocalypse, "I told you so."

Manny said...

Gawd.

Anonymous said...

I know this was also posted on HuffPo- I just "dugg it" on there before I saw it was here. you all should digg it, to0!

VOTAR said...

Dude, Ally totally pwned you with double-secret irony.

I can't believe you didn't catch on.

Gettin' slow there...

Anonymous said...

CHEZ, DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP!!!!
YOU HAVE NEVER GONE DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT. THEY ARE FRIGHTENED OF YOU.
YOU HAVE A FOLLOWING, THEY DO NOT. THEY RESORT TO THIS BULL SHIT.
YOU ALL READY DO, SO ARE USE TO IT. :)
YOU ARE SPEAKING FOR ALL OF US. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. DON'T LET THEM TAKE THAT FROM THEM. WE LIVE IN THE U.S.A. LAND OF THE FREE. YOU DON'T ANSWER TO ANYONE BUT JAYNE, ( I HOPE DINNER WAS GOOD :)
AND YOURSELF. NO ONE ELSE. CAN YOU HEAR ME????????
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEM.....
ALLY.....GET A FUCKIN LIFE AND GET OUT OF CHEZ'S..
LISTEN TO JAYNE, YOU MISUNDERSTNAD THE MAN...
CHEZ, DON'T DO IT MAN...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Did I miss something?
Since when do you give up so easy?
Since when do you let some asswholes opinion matter?

I guess all of your writings have been for nothing? You nothing more than I am. "a quiter".
Grow up.
Nothing in life is worth having if you don't fight for it.
It's the satisfaction of proving them all wrong, that would make me just go for it.
Fuck it, fuck them. just don't give up.

Christine said...

Empathy Deficit Disorder, for those kids who really need another way to blame their parents for being shitty human beings... awesome. I had the illustrious privilege of dating an actual sociopath for over a year, so this kind of thing really annoys me on a personal level. There are people who are literally born without the capacity for empathy or a conscience... and then there are those who had a rough childhood (aww, poor babies) and choose to lay blame somewhere else instead of owning up to the fact that they and they alone are responsible for the human beings they grow up to be.

Don't give up... you've got dinner to make, after all. Someone's got to be out there waving the flag and leading the charge against stupidity.

Don't worry, they're too inept to have good aim. ::wink::

Chez said...

Anon 8:49 --

QUAALUDE. NOW.

Eggie said...

I suffer from this TERRIBLE disorder, and nobody I know gives a shit either :-(

Girl With Curious Hair said...

Empathy Deficit Disorder--is it contagious? And here I thought those people were socially inept, self-involved morons.

BV said...

What the hell were people on yesterday? Christ on a bike, that one dude thought he was Kanye with the all CAPS!

winged unicorn said...

votar darling, if you want Empathy eXpanding Tactile Amplification and Seratonin Yield formula(*)[Extasy] if you want to be touched in ways you've never been touched before, you know where to reach me....

Anonymous said...

Is General Malaise in the Alliance? A lot of the memo sounded like "the Operative". "Do you know what your sin is, Chez? There's no shame in this. This is a good death." Don't let them get to the nerve cluster in your back, or you'll be falling on your sword before you can get to the Effexor!

Anonymous said...

Wait...

So now I have an excuse for not giving a shit?