Saturday, June 21, 2008

Here's Johnny!


***NEW JOHN MCCAIN CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL***
DISTRIBUTION: Nationwide
EMBARGO: None
RUN TIME: 1:00
MIXED AND READY FOR AIR 06/21/08
KILL DATE: TBA

***TRANSCRIPT***


(Cue patriotic music, standard oversized billowing American flag background.)

Hi, I'm John McCain.

You know, recently, there's been some talk floating around the interwebs about how I once called my beautiful wife Cindy, well, a "cunt" in public. I'm here today to set the record straight.

I did in fact call her a cunt... but I'm afraid that the true meaning of the word is being misconstrued.

You see, "cunt" is just old white man lingo for "woman." In the same way that nigg... uh, I mean, blacks... sometimes say "bad" when what they really mean is "good," or when they say "dope," or "fresh" or "funky soul makossa" to mean that they like something... that's what I'm doing when I call my wife a cunt. In fact, Cindy and I have even taken it a step further and made that sort of my pet name for her. Not a day goes by that I don't turn to the love of my life and say, "God, you're such a fucking worthless cunt, and if I weren't running for office I'd kill you in your sleep... now go make me a sandwich."

See? It's just the kind of thing old white men say to their wives.

I don't believe it's fair to criticize cultural differences, especially ones that so many out there and in the media seem to misunderstand. I mean, think of how silly it was when Fox News called the "pound" that Barack and Michelle Obama share a "terrorist fist jab." That's a cultural thing among nigg... uh, I mean, blacks. You wouldn't come down on them for doing something that's popular within their world, would you? No, of course not. But just like a lot of Obama's culture seems strange and foreign to normal people, some of the customs and language of old white man society must also be confusing to those few unimportant voters who won't eventually become old white men themselves. For instance... Cindy and I have our own version of the "pound," and it really is more of a fist jab... like when she wears too much make-up like a cannery row whore and I have to jab my fist into her eye socket.

Once again, it's just something bitter, crazy old white men do... although I learned a couple of "improvements" on the technique during my years being slapped across the face while having "DI DI MOW!" screamed at me and a revolver put to my head.

So before you criticize me for calling my wife a cunt... or criticize any surly elderly man you see engaging in behavior that became unacceptable in decent society a century or so ago, just remember...

It's an old white thing.

You wouldn't understand.

(V/O Track: I'm John McCain, and I approved this horseshit.)

5 comments:

b80vin said...

"Di di mow, cunt, Di-di-MOW. It's a viet cong thing, you wouldn't understand"

(wow, that made my spell checker hemorridge)

Anonymous said...

PLEASE understand, not voting for him, don't support him, don't defend the cunt thing! But I DO find myself sometimes saying, "He spent five years in a box in the jungle for christ's sake!" Think he's counting on some sympathy votes? I hope that doesn't happen.

Harris said...

I suspect McCain would be far more comfortable with the term "coloreds."

Man, two posts in one week about Cindy McCain's strawberry-colored, fist-tight cunt. The chafing may never heal.

winged unicorn said...

cunt-the other other white meat

Amy said...

I'm not an old dude, but I AM white.. and I think YOU are a cunt, Chez.

See! Not offensive at all.

Now, go make me a sammich, bitch.