Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Cyrus the Virus


Back in high school, a friend of mine and I had a kind of litmus test -- an instant and surefire barometer -- used to determine whether someone was a complete fucking idiot.

That test: sunglasses indoors.

I'm not talking about the person who walks inside from a sunny day and happens to leave his glasses on for a few minutes; I'm talking about the one who seems to go out of his way to purposely keep his eyes covered in the hope of, I'd imagine, escaping detection from that flock of adoring fans and the strobing flashes it'll soon be aiming in his direction.

Whenever my friend and I spotted this special brand of clown, one or the other of us would make a point to walk up to him and say something like, "Hey, you know, if it's too bright in here we can have somebody turn the lights down for you."

Sunglasses indoors screams one thing: douchebag.

So it's no surprise that during his interview this morning on the Today show, Billy Ray Cyrus kept his oversized neo-Elvis shades on the entire time.

Which confirms something I've suspected for quite some time but have hesitated in officially declaring.

Billy Ray Cyrus is the world's biggest douchebag.

Seriously.

From the over-the-top Beverly Hillbilly aesthetic -- the blonde highlights, ridiculous soul-patch and Gucci calfskin jacket meets University of Tennessee t-shirt he wears without even the slightest hint of irony; to the preening, ego-laden seriousness with which he takes his role on Nashville Star; to his insistence on spouting trite "country wisdom" every chance he gets -- as if he's still some dumb-ass hick living in Appalachia and not worth a goddamned fortune; to his comical belief that Achy Breaky Heart was actually some sort of cultural touchstone; to the fact that he's the father of America's most virulent social disease -- Miley Cyrus -- and a guy who's managed to shamelessly exploit his daughter merely for the opportunity she's handed him to thrust his own worthless ass back into the spotlight; everything about Billy Ray Cyrus's ill-advisedly inflated sense of his own self-worth makes him a walking joke -- a living, breathing advertisement for the necessity of safe and legal late-term abortions -- the kind of guy that, if you wanted to create a "douchebag army," you'd need only a tiny sample of DNA from.

This morning on Today, Cyrus was in fine form -- which means that he was a pompous idiot. As he adjusted himself on the high stool opposite Meredith Viera, assuming the one-foot-on-floor and the-other-on-rung-of-chair pose common to douchebags everywhere -- as if he were a J. Byron model, circa 1979 -- I waited patiently for him to apologize for his appearance. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he might have recently undergone some sort of eye surgery that had left his pupils dilated and therefore required him to wear sunglasses at all times. But no -- of course not. He was simply wearing them because he's just that cool.

Once again -- douchebag.

Viera began the interview by asking him about the full-length feature film he's now shooting with his retarded daughter and will soon foist on a defenseless American public.

Cyrus did a quick shake of his chemically straightened mane and said, "Yeah, it's gonna be great. We've got a great director, a great script, a great team of folks, and we're shooting in the great state of Tennessee."

I'm kidding about none of this and, as such, would highly recommend that Billy Ray invest some of that money he's making in a fucking thesaurus. And for the record, that "great director" he's talking about is Peter Chelsom, who helmed the forgettable TNT/TBS staple Serendipity and the atrocious Beatty/Keaton/Hawn "comedy" Town & Country, which was released in 2001, making it the second unfunniest thing to happen that year. In Cyrus's defense, I'm not sure that anyone who was raised thinking The Dukes of Hazzard is the height of artistry would be qualified to recognize a decent director when he sees one.

Viera then brought up, of course, the almost baffling success of his kid, Miley Hannah Cyrus Montana.

"Condé Nast says Miley will soon be worth a billion dollars," she enthused.

I held my breath and waited for Billy Ray to respond with an angry, "What'd you call my daughter?!" But no such luck. Instead, he flashed a full row of those perfectly capped teeth and reacted with what I guess was supposed to be pride but what looked eerily lupine. Suddenly, the utility of the sunglasses became obvious, as they were probably hiding the big-ass dollar signs in his eyes.

After awhile, Viera finally got around to the heavily promoted nexus of the interview: Billy Ray Cyrus's supposed "first public comments" regarding the media-driven scandal over his daughter's sexed-up spread in Vanity Fair. At first, she asked Cyrus whether he was even there when the most controversial of the controversial photos was taken -- the one with Miley looking like she'd just woken up after a one-night-stand with the Joker. Billy Ray insisted he wasn't, adopting a sudden air of bullshit humility as he quietly proclaimed that, at the time, he had to get to Washington where his presence was required at a gig honoring U.S. troops returning from Iraq. He dropped the troops at least one more time before the end of the interview.

When asked if he thought another of the photos -- the creepy-as-hell shot of his daughter draped over him while he stared pensively into the distance, presumably at the big bag of money off-camera -- was a little too explicit, as some have suggested, he basically didn't even bat an eye (at least not that I could tell with the sunglasses on).

"Nah, I think it just shows a daddy that loves his daughter a whole lot," he said, then added, apropos of nothing, "We love acting. We love music. We love each other."

"Well, thanks for not making that whole thing any weirder," I said out loud as I sat on my living room couch, munching Funyuns.

Viera then asked why Cyrus didn't fight back against the accusations of those who found the picture offensive. Cyrus, as expected, responded with some good old-fashioned frontier gibberish: "My daddy used to say that the more you stomp in poop, the more it stinks."

It was right about this point that my intestines began moving up through my throat in an effort to mercifully cut off the oxygen to my brain.

The whole thing ended with Cyrus offering one more pearl of wisdom regarding the whole miasma. "You git knocked down, you git back up," he said, smiling with apparent pride at his own profundity.

"Good advice," Viera responded, returning the smile.

I'm pretty sure my jaw went slack, I lost control of my bladder, and the upper part of my body tipped sideways until it plummeted into the couch like a falling redwood.

And all of this was before Today brought out The Clique Girlz -- three bleach-blonde 'tweens named Paris, Destinee and Ariel who look like Hot Topic exploded all over them and whose music is about to "take America by storm."

Wanna guess whose tour they've already opened for?

Congratulations Billy Ray, you pass the test with flying colors.

37 comments:

heatherhansma said...

I'm so glad I decided to stay in bed before going to work this morning...

Stephen said...

"...Miley looking like she'd just woken up after a one-night-stand with the Joker."

Love that Joker

Chez said...

Love that Joker!

Oh dear God, that's the funniest thing that's been on this site in weeks.

Jake said...

"You might be a red neck if..." + take your pick of Cyrus'isms

Girl With Curious Hair said...

"You git knocked down, you git back up,"

This pearl of wisdom brought to you by Chumbawamba.

And Billy Ray Cyrus reminds me of college girls dressed as cowgirls throwing up outside my dorm.

Boo said...

I've decided that Annie was playing a big ol' dirty trick on America and "America's Favorite Dad" (barf). It's easy to protest the obvious exploitation of a young girl when she is half-nekkid in a picture. But I don't hear any of those same uptight sexually repressed wide mouth frogs screaming about Daddy's part in the same exploitation that has been going on for years. That one moment is a hill of beans--Daddy has a lot more to answer for.

He's more than a douchebag. He is mentally diseased.

melanie said...

Seriously, Chez- you do watch the Today Show every day, don't you?

Anonymous said...

I read and re-read this, and I keep coming back to one disturbing point:
Funyuns for breakfast?

slouchmonkey said...

What the fuck is a funyun?

foolery said...

Enjoying with no small measure of guilt "the second unfunniest thing to happen that year."

Question: I heard the interview over the roar of my hair dryer (CRAP, I MUST get a louder hair dryer), but I missed this: Did Cyrus call his father "Daiddy"? Just trying to gauge the authenticity of the accent.

Chez said...

Funyuns: The Breakfast of Champions.

Plus, it's just a fun word to say.

Funyuns.

the sieve said...

"defenseless American public"?

I think not. If there wasn't a huge market of morons willing to swallow this cretin's tripe, and that of his idiot daughter, he wouldn't exist and she wouldn't be verging on becoming a billionaire.

Mike said...

So, I couldn't help myself. I had to google The Clique Girlz. Oh my god. It's a pedo's wet dream and a train wreck going to happen. I really hope their music does take the country by storm so I can watch the subsequent implosion with the requisite funyuns. It's going to be great.

Alice said...

ugh, I had a bad experience back in the day that involved funyuns and chocolate milk - so thanks for dredging that memory up for me, Chez.

You have, officially, for the first time (I'm sorry to say), made me ill.

*barf*

Mr. Controversy said...

This nation deserves a better class of pop star...and Billy Ray is gonna give it to them.

Love that Joker indeed, because at least he has more sense than this cow tipping yokel fuck. May there be a snake in his boots that he just cannot shake.

Deacon Blue said...

OK, Chez, you have me worried now. My daughter is always wearing her sunglasses indoors and flashing her best diva smile, and announcing, "My sunglasses are pink...With flowers."

Now, I realize that at just shy of three years old she still gets a pass, but does anyone know what the age of consent is for douchebag-edness? At what age will it stop being cute and will I have to consider harsh measures to get the douchedemon out of her?

And slouchmonkey, Funuyns are one of the greatest snack foods ever invented. They are the onion rings of the potato chip/pretzel aisle. What they do to your breath is horrific though, so have breath mints handy if you plan on cozying up to anyone.

faux mccoy said...

mmmmmm, funyuns -- i was really hoping that the biggest douchebag would be mike tyson, but i'll settle for ol' BR. now you've done made me sorry i gave up tv for lent.

Ally said...

I actually considered dumping a guy in high school solely because his mother was absolutely nutso about that incredibly offensive, "Achy Breaky Heart" noise.

She would go into spasms whenever it came over the radio in her kitchen, gasping about how gorgeous and sexy Billy Ray was, trying to convince me that he was the epitome of pure lust.

Seriously, it took everything I had not to throw up, pass out and then die. I don't think I've ever recovered.

b80vin said...

Things my daddy used to say:

"If you step on that shit you're not coming in the house for a week!"

"Clean your room, asshole!"

"I love you son, but I'll kick you in the slats if you fuck up once more."

"I'll knock you down so hard you never get back up, ya little bastard."

"Here, I got you a carton of cigarettes for Christmas. Gotta smoke?"

Anonymous said...

The country-ites are always a couple/few years behind the style du jour.

It looks like the metrosexual look finally hit country-ville.

Nothing worse than someone taking themselves completely seriously and cannot see that everyone views them as a laughingstock.

It's almost poetic.

ALMOST

Anonymous said...

Awww, isa widdle boy fwowing a tempa tantum becuase he's unemployed and someone else is more famous and makes more money then he ever could?

Yes.

Tell me something, Chez, who, precisely is Miley Cyrus hurting and how are they being hurt? I don't mean in your smarmy, snarky hipster douche way, I mean in an honest, sane, mature adult way.
I want some actual evidence, not some bullshit anecdote from "this dude/chick that I know." Which also leaves out Wikipedia.


I'm sure you'll be reduced to some variation on "But...but she's EVERYWHERE!!! I can't get away from here."

Which you and I and everyone else know is complete bullshit.

In point of fact, you actually have to actively seek her out, which means that you are some kind of sicko child molester stalker type wierdo. But being that you live in NYC you fit right in.

Chez said...

And yet you read.

Boo said...

wow, are you sure you don't want to reconsider that #1 douchebag title? 'cause the contenders are starting to line up.

you attract flies like shit, my friend.

heatherhansma said...

I officially crave Funyuns now.
And for the record, I go out of my way to avoid the Cyrus family, yet still they haunt me.
It's me they hurt.
I am a Cyrus victim.

lakelady said...

hrm, so following your analogy then Jack Nicholson is also a douchebag.

brilliant

I avoid both of 'em.

oh, and why the hell do you bother watching the Today show anyway? I gave up on it years ago.

Rob in Calgary said...

I watch Nashville Star weekly (insert hick jokes here) and the weird thing is, Billy Ray really does nothing on the show.

He's the equivalent of Seacrest, but he's not capable of engaging either the contestants or the judges in conversation. All of his lines seem to come from a teleprompter. Given that 90% of the promotion of NS focused on Billy Ray, you'd think he'd actually contribute something to the show.

Anonymous said...

Really Jon Klein aka anonymous @ 3:52 doesn't have anything better to do than come here all the time and write nasty shit about someone he can't control anymore?

"I mean in an honest, sane, mature adult way."

I hadn't noticed that any of his posts have these 3 things.

We don't have to search out Miley/Hannah because as soon as the political crap is done, Jon aka 3:52 will have her and every other celebrity all over CNN 24/7 while trying to make the "personalities" celebrities as well.

And it still won't work.

Travis said...

I don't know Chez...

Cyrus as the biggest douchebag? I honestly have to give that title to Hulk Hogan (or whatever his real name is). Granted they are somewhat similar, but Hulk wears sunglasses indoors AND that stupid head wrap.

Anonymous said...

All right, the Joker line was already discussed, but I'm still laughing! My daughter found nothing wrong with the photo. I said, "Look at her bed hair, her sleepy eyes, her bitten and lipstick smeared lips! This is clearly the morning after the night before!" And now I know who the night before was with! Thanks, Chez!

Kune said...

"In point of fact, you actually have to actively seek her out, which means that you are some kind of sicko child molester stalker type wierdo. But being that you live in NYC you fit right in." -Annonymous

Or, Annonymous, since your the one defending Miley Cyrus, perhaps your the sicko child molester stalker type fan who just can't get enough of her. Perhaps you are the type of creepy fanboy (or girl) who couldn't help gunning yourself when the notorious Vanity Fair cover came out? I'm sure that Chez, though he may be a douche, wouldn't be a part of your pedophilic sessions. Now these are harsh words to be throwing out when I don't even know you, Annonymous. But if you are in fact part of the adult population and you find yourself oddly attracted to this young girl, then I am more than happy that I do not know you and never intend on knowing you.

Did you know that funyans were created in 1969?

strum40 said...

My only question is how does someone who was part of Town & Country still have a job? That movie cost $90 million to make and only grossed $7 million!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_US_box_office_bombs

Jeff McNaughton said...

You need to try the sunglasses indoors thing.

I'm not defending Billy Ray, I'm just saying give a try before you knock it.

b80vin said...

Say Anon, I have a question:
You say, "I don't mean in your smarmy, snarky hipster douche way, I mean in an honest, sane, mature adult way."

Am I to understand that a smarmy snarky hipster douche way is not inherently adult or mature? The reason I ask is because the way you begin your post with the baby talk seems, well, smarmy snarky and douche. Maybe "hipster" is the problem. In any event, my counter argument would be that as a very mature adult, I happen to enjoy many types of commentary. Indeed, I find nothing problematic with Mily Cyrus' popularity, but I find it hilarious that Chez does, and not in a smarmy snarky way, but truly funny. Sooo, not to sound too immature or snarky, but maybe douchy, fuck you asshole, fuck you very much.

Wen said...

I share your sentiments. Felt the same when Kanye West wore his sunglasses throughout the Grammys. Not to mention he always bitches when he doesn't win....

kelley said...

Just wanted to chime in and say, I live in Nashville.

(Chez won't mind, you all can go ahead and leave your sympathies for me here.)

Liz said...

When I pass out in a douchebag induced shock, I usually poop myself. You were lucky you didn't, I'm sure Jayne would have beaten you mercilessly. Thank you for saying what I was thinking....again. I'll be wearing a tinfoil hat from now on.

Erica Dee said...

"Tell me something, Chez, who, precisely is Miley Cyrus hurting and how are they being hurt? I don't mean in your smarmy, snarky hipster douche way, I mean in an honest, sane, mature adult way.
I want some actual evidence, not some bullshit anecdote from "this dude/chick that I know." Which also leaves out Wikipedia."

I know I'm 10 days late, but I can prove the damage she's doing by using my 9-year-old sister and her 9-year-old friends. How about the fact that this "pop star" has convinced the world that you can pop on a blonde wig and everything is amazing? Let's learn how to have false identities! How about the fact that this child star is not a child star at all. She's being paraded around on Oprah (yes, somehow Op. gave up half of her distraught female audience for a bunch of screaming girls- and one boy, but) and in Vanity Fair... She is not a child anymore she's just another Jamie Lynn or what not and she's giving a lot of young girls false ideas about what it is to be a child/young teen.

PS Chez- you need to get a job soon. These housewife shows you are so ridiculously addicted to are melting your brain.