Sunday, June 08, 2008

Apocalypse Ahora

I posted basically this exact piece at roughly the same time last year. Its sentiment still applies perfectly -- especially since, as luck would have it, I'm once again mercifully out of the city on this onerous day.

And behold I saw the Seventh Seal broken.

And the streets became as swarth -- and the skies became as blunt smoke.

Everywhere, there were girls with huge asses in absurdly tight jeans, foul mouths full of gold teeth, multiple children from different fathers, and no hope of ever getting that GED.

There were men with cigarettes tucked behind their ears, oversized fake-gold chains around their necks, outstanding bench warrants numbering in the double-digits, and a minimal chance of not being incarcerated by this time next year.

All around, there were low-riders, colorful flags of all shapes and sizes, a hilariously ill-advised sense of pride and the faulty assumption that those who live along 5th Avenue are happy to play host to such a festive event -- particularly in 97 degree heat and 112% humidity.

And Daddy Yankee's Gasolina blared from every speaker.

Yet, through all of this chaos, God did in fact prove himself powerful, kind and compassionate.

Because, as it turns out, I'm out of town today -- and therefore don't have to deal with the fucking Puerto Rican Day Parade.

(Yeah, I know. I suck. You know the drill: Direct all complaints here.)


Anonymous said...

I used to live in Midtown right off Sixth. Best thing I heard in the neighborhood, as a woman saw two of them covered in PR flags - "_that_ parade is today?!" stated in the full horror that is so pathetically due.

Anonymous said...

No complaints, beautifully described !!

Doc said...

Here's the classic scene from that ill-fated episode of "Seinfeld" in which Kramer accidently burns the Puerto Rican flag at the Parade:

Stephen said...

As Officer Krupkey so artfully put it: "You gotta make nice with the PRs."

Ally said...

My dad was your neighbor some years ago, and ALWAYS talked about the insanity that was this parade. He talked about NYC in general being a fruitloop, but I think this parade was his most treasured gripe.

Living in the south, I was more than happy to let him have it.

gina said...

Anybody else remember a few years ago when women, one of whom was a terrified French tourist, were stripped and sexually assaulted by mobs of "proud" men as a matter of course during this parade? And then when little to nothing was done about it (say, suspending the fucking parade forEVER at the very least)? How, in addition to sucking, it's a dangerous nuisance the cops couldn't control if they wanted to (see sexual assaults mentioned above)? This parade can suck it.

denesteak said...

the PRD parade is the third worst holiday in new york city. the first is the halloween parade, and the second is gay pride parade. I used to work in the west village as a waitress and a bartender and halloween suck ass because people come in really drunk and belligerent and they try to emulate their costumes (like if they are a pirate they start knocking shit over.) also they tip badly, and it takes forever for me to get home after my shift is over because i can't fucking cross 6th ave.

And i was working the bar after last year's gay pride parade, and after my shift ended, i had such a violent hatred for lesbians because they were so MEAN and unreasonable to me. (the gay men were nice to me because they thought I was a cute little girl) A women wanted bottled water for her puppy, and then refused to pay for it and her food and drinks, and then when my boss called her out on it, she responded in a classic, "You wanna take this outside?" And it's restaurant policy to get a credit card from customers when they start a tab, but these women started getting really really ANGRY at me. Anyway, it was a long fucking night, and by the next day, we had our windows scratched with acid because some rowdy drunk people decided that just because they have a special day, they get the license to be assholes.

my point being, i completely agree with everything you said about the PRD parade.