Tuesday, May 20, 2008

This Is a Man's World

A couple of weeks ago, I made a desperate plea to America's adults to put a collective foot down and reclaim their waning authority from their children (Kids Incorporated/4.24.08).

Well folks, never will there be a better time for such a symbolic gesture, a mass show of strength against the forces of immaturity, than tonight -- specifically, during the two hours immediately following the season finale of American Idol.

As you can't help but be aware if you've watched Fox at any point over the past week -- no less than five separate promos for it ran during last night's extraordinary season finale of House -- tonight, David Cook will face off against Disney/Pixar's latest CGI creation, David Archuleta.

The choice here for anyone who likes even relatively decent music is simple: Cook is already a fucking rock star; Archuleta is the lost Jonas Brother.

The problem, however, is that Archuleta will win and we'll all suffer accordingly as by this time Thursday, his sickly sweet baby face, puppy dog eyes and wispy voice will be all over the goddamned place -- unless parents across this great land of ours take decisive action.

It's simple, really. Tonight at 9PM EST, as the phone lines open and the voting begins, I propose the following: TAKE YOUR CHILD'S CELL PHONE AWAY.

That's right, prove to yourself that you're not completely beholden to your kids; that you haven't abandoned all control and allowed children to dictate the trajectory of our pop culture; that you won't let your fucking kid make a decision that you and your fellow adults will be forced to live with for months. (Think I'm wrong? Just wait until your whining 'tween begs, no, commands you to keep your hands secured to a life-sized effigy of Archuleta longer than any other suicidal parent in your neighborhood, all in an effort to win tickets to see Little David live -- a concert you'll be forced to attend I might add.) I realize that whether he wins or not, Archuleta will still be the golden calf of America's young, female "Purity Ball" set, but tonight parents have the power to take a stand that will actually benefit their kids in the long run -- by making it crystal clear to them that life is all about disappointment, and no matter how much they cry or how strongly they've been led to believe that the world revolves around each of them, in the legendary words of Mick Jagger, you can't always get what you want.

Tonight's your chance to get your balls back, parents.

Don't blow it.


Anonymous said...

You thought that House finale was extraordinary??? Man, you HAVE been watching too much Fox...

The acting was subpar at best, the direction was overly conceived and under-produced, and the storyline? Meh.

I know: I am SO American -- underwhelmed and bitchy about it.

Chez said...

Are you kidding?

You know I love you Boo, but I honestly thought that was an incredibly heartbreaking episode. Hell, it made me tear up, fod God's sake.

I thought this was the best season of that show yet. The writers managed to really inject some great twists into something that was becoming formulaic -- the search for the new team, the relationship between House/Wilson/Amber, the really spectacular finale -- all great.

trish said...

Disney/Pixar's CGI creation... oh that's good.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it made me tear up too.

Seeing those final intimate moments with Amber and Wilson were torture. They must hate each other in real life.


But then, I've been watching Twin Peaks for the last week due to TK's review on the 'Jiba, so maybe my expectations were a bit too high. Or I was too high. I don't know which.

Anyway, the point was, I cried too, buddy.

I. Cried. Too.

Chez said...

Oh yeah, and one more thing.

I never thought I'd say this, but it's probably a serious indicator of just how bad music is these days: It was actually really good to see Durst after all this time.

Anonymous said...

HA HA HA! I grabbed my husband's arm when he came onscreen. He was a decent barkeep, which says a lot for his now defunct music career. And yes, it gave me flashbacks to a better, if dirtier time, in music.

Speaking of music, I have to give props for the producers for using Iron and Wine as the playout song. I think that is where all the emotion for that last scene came from. Iron and Wine, baby. There IS some good music out there--it just isn't coming from MTV.

And the new Raconteurs album is fantastic. FYI.

Joshua said...

Fighting for the cultural implications of one American Idol winner over another is like prisoners of war banding together to demand more humane torture. Although to make the two situations truly analogous the POWs would have to be there voluntarily.

Chez said...

I actually loved the Jose Gonzalez cover of Teardrop.

Very clever to use a different and much more forceful version of the theme song.

bilzim said...

You must be kidding! Why would any adult want to "dictate the trajectory of our pop culture?" Our so-called pop culture is so far in the shitter now that the only sane thing is to ignore it.

Jess said...

Aren't you being a little...dramatic?
As a 23 year old who looks beyond the radio and MTV to find good music, I learned long ago that I wasn't even close to being the target audience of "American Idol", and subsequently quit caring.
Let the kiddies have their lame little pop idols. One day a certain percentage of them will grow up and see there's more outside of what Clear Channel deems culturally relevant.
The rest...well, they can stay in the clubs grinding on each other to the newest T-Pain record all they want. That just means there will be less of them annoying the crap out of me at the Yeah Yeah Yeahs show.