Tuesday, May 20, 2008
This Is a Man's World
A couple of weeks ago, I made a desperate plea to America's adults to put a collective foot down and reclaim their waning authority from their children (Kids Incorporated/4.24.08).
Well folks, never will there be a better time for such a symbolic gesture, a mass show of strength against the forces of immaturity, than tonight -- specifically, during the two hours immediately following the season finale of American Idol.
As you can't help but be aware if you've watched Fox at any point over the past week -- no less than five separate promos for it ran during last night's extraordinary season finale of House -- tonight, David Cook will face off against Disney/Pixar's latest CGI creation, David Archuleta.
The choice here for anyone who likes even relatively decent music is simple: Cook is already a fucking rock star; Archuleta is the lost Jonas Brother.
The problem, however, is that Archuleta will win and we'll all suffer accordingly as by this time Thursday, his sickly sweet baby face, puppy dog eyes and wispy voice will be all over the goddamned place -- unless parents across this great land of ours take decisive action.
It's simple, really. Tonight at 9PM EST, as the phone lines open and the voting begins, I propose the following: TAKE YOUR CHILD'S CELL PHONE AWAY.
That's right, prove to yourself that you're not completely beholden to your kids; that you haven't abandoned all control and allowed children to dictate the trajectory of our pop culture; that you won't let your fucking kid make a decision that you and your fellow adults will be forced to live with for months. (Think I'm wrong? Just wait until your whining 'tween begs, no, commands you to keep your hands secured to a life-sized effigy of Archuleta longer than any other suicidal parent in your neighborhood, all in an effort to win tickets to see Little David live -- a concert you'll be forced to attend I might add.) I realize that whether he wins or not, Archuleta will still be the golden calf of America's young, female "Purity Ball" set, but tonight parents have the power to take a stand that will actually benefit their kids in the long run -- by making it crystal clear to them that life is all about disappointment, and no matter how much they cry or how strongly they've been led to believe that the world revolves around each of them, in the legendary words of Mick Jagger, you can't always get what you want.
Tonight's your chance to get your balls back, parents.
Don't blow it.