Because last Friday's column suggesting that Americans en masse pummel the crap out of George Bush managed to roust the three or four people still supporting him from their NASCAR-induced slumber -- and because I'm an antagonistic little shit -- I figured I'd resurrect a political oldie-but-goodie from September of 2006. If nothing else, it's amusing to note the seemingly bulletproof assumption that Hillary Clinton would pick up the Democratic nomination. Enjoy, kids.
The following is a transcript of the interview between former President George W. Bush and Fox News Reporter Chris Wallace, which took place on September 22nd, 2014. It is the sole property of Fox News Channel, and may not be reproduced in any way without the permission of the News Corporation, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Viacom/Universal/Pepsico Inc.
TC: 12:24:36 EDT
CW: A pleasure to see you again Mr. President.
GWB: Well, it's a... It's a pleasure to see you again Greg.
CW: Chris, sir.
GWB: Right, right... Chris.
CW: You've been out of office for six years now...
GWB: Has it been that long? Heh heh.
CW: Yes, sir... six years... and, well... tomorrow marks the dedication of the George W. Bush Presidential Library... certainly something you must be very proud of...
GWB: Yes, yes I am. It's a truly uh... truly.. truly distinguishtable feat to be able to formerly dedicate the George W. Bush Presidential Library for People Who Don't Read Good. Quite an honor Craig.
CW: Chris, sir.
GWB: Heh heh.
CW: What specifically can visitors expect when they come to Crawford and visit the GWB Center?
GWB: Well, at first I asked that they have a lot of pistachio, because I've always loved that flavor... but then I was told that libraries don't serve ice cream... they... uh, well... they have books there. So I made a couple of specific requests... ya know, things that I figured people would like to see to take them back to the good ole' days of my presidency.
CW: Such as?
GWB: Well, first of all... uh, when folks walk in the first thing they'll see is the remains of the Constitution. I just figured that would really hit a perfect note right off the bat... kinda laying out my domestic legacy, ya understand? My library also has a... a very large Biblical section to remind folks how God picked me to lead America through its darkest time... TERRORISTS!
CW: I'm sorry sir? Oh right... no sir, don't worry... there aren't any terrorists around.
GWB: Right Carl, well ya know... August the 24th reminded us all that America has enemies, and they hate freedom... you do see that, don't you?
CW: Yes sir, the attacks of August the 24th were indeed devastating. In what way do you plan to commemorate that horrible day in your library?
GWB: Well, the mayor of New New York has been so kind as to relinqu... relinqa... to give up the spire that used to be on top of the Empire State Building. It'll of course be vacuum-sealed inside a large case to prevent the radiation from gettin' through... but I really think the folks'll enjoy seeing it. We're also gonna have the flag of "Jesusica," which is now kind of a... heh heh, well you might call it a collector's item.
CW: Yes, after the long-fought battle to put the union back together I could see where it would be an interesting piece of national memoribilia.
GWB: You betcha, heh heh.
CW: Are you at all angry that President Clinton turned down the invitation to attend tomorrow's ceremony?
GWB: Naw... Naw I guess not. She's got a lot on her plate right now... what with the New Syriana Islamic Republic summit she has to attend if she wants to get gas back below eight dollars-a-gallon. I really figured those folks over there would love freedom... it was on the march ya know.
CW: I know sir.
GWB: But I still believe that the fight to bring democracy to Iraq and Iran made us all safer.
CW: But sir, how can you say that when this country suffered several horrendous terrorist attacks since -- one nuclear -- and the entire Middle-East is now united under the anti-American flags of Hamas and Hezbollah? Wait, don't answer that.
GWB: Heh heh. August the 24th... did I mention that?
CW: Yes sir you did.
GWB: We had to fight the terrorists there so we wouldn't have to fight 'em here. See what I'm sayin'?
CW: Yes sir, you're right... we never even got a chance to fight them... it was over too quickly.
GWB: Heh heh.
CW: So sir, since I have you here, there are a few questions my readers xeri-commed to me that I feel I have to ask.
GWB: Okay, shoot. Whoa, Dick isn't around is he?
CW: No sir... truly tragic and very mysterious his being thrown down a bottomless chasm by his apprentice. Although not as unexpected as Condoleezza Rice's untimely stomping death at that outdoor concert. Most of us didn't even know she was an Indigo Girls fan.
GWB: Yeah, that one was a little fishy... heh heh, get it... fishy?
CW: Yes sir, I get it... anyway, those questions... are you angry that you didn't capture Osama bin Laden, and that he remained a fugitive until two months after you left office?
GWB: Hey now, wait a minute... I know what you're doin' here... you're doin' a Fox News liberal hit-job on me.
CW: You don't think that's a legitimate question?
GWB: I bet you never asked President Clinton why she didn't do more... I mean, during her first two days in office.
CW: I think you should answer the question sir.
GWB: But I thought this interview was supposed to be all about the George W. Bush Presidential Library for People Who Don't Read Good. Man, I miss the old Fox News.
CW: Well, sir... you of all people should know... free market economy. Rupert Murdoch is a Republican, but he's a businessman first. Once you and your administration destroyed the once-good name of America's conservatives by allowing far-right demagogues to hijack your party and its message, well... a good portion of America happily swung in the opposite direction... after the Christian wars of course.
GWB: Yeah well... I don't need you... I've got still got Karl.
CW: Actually sir, Mr. Rove was killed in a car accident last night... he was apparently performing oral sex on Bob Novak when Mr. Novak crashed his car... ironically right into the lobby of the Watergate Hotel.
GWB: Oh... uh... well...
CW: Yes sir?
GWB: You want some of this pistachio ice cream Ken? Gotta get rid of it somehow.
CW: It's Chr... oh nevermind... hand me a cone.
End of Transcript