Friday, May 30, 2008

Planes, Cranes and Serial Killers


Denis Leary used to do a great bit where he said that the best thing about living in New York is that the city offers you so many interesting ways to die.

To wit, another crane has collapsed about ten blocks from my apartment on the Upper East Side, killing at least two people. This is the second time something like this has happened in the past three months; the last one was ten blocks from my place in the opposite direction and killed seven people.

Back in 2006, a small plane slammed into the building directly across the street from mine. Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle died in that one.

Then of course there was last February, when a psychopath walked into a therapist's office about a block away from where I live and hacked her up with a meat cleaver.

None of this even takes into account the roving packs of aging, badly-dressed, cosmo-slurping whores who'll be terrorizing the innocent all weekend in a pathetic effort to emulate their onscreen idols in that new blight on American pop culture known as the Sex and the City movie.

Yup, Jayne and I couldn't have picked a better time to be leaving the Upper East Side in search of a bigger place for baby.

This neighborhood's just too dangerous these days.

7 comments:

Mr. Controversy said...

Chez, you need to treat this like a zombie apocalypse. Go out, carefully stock up on some provisions, find some survivors and band together. Lock down your apartment, and pray for daylight on Monday. They'll all be hung over, and shambling along like some of Romero's finest. And remember, when all else fails "aim for the head", only instead of using a blunt object you'll be using wit. Oh, and don't get bitten.

heatherhansma said...

And this is why I'll end up living as a hermit in the hills somewhere.

jim said...

Don't forget the guy who blew up his house while he was inside of it hoping to make more money selling an empty lot than a standing building

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

Wow. My friend Bob e-mailed me this morning about this. I thought I just saw you 7 hours ago, what was up. The crane was right next to his building and had he walked out to work a minute earlier he would have been crushed by the crane. Who would have thought the Upper East Side would be the most dangerous part of the city?

Paul said...

Obviously, someone has been trying way too hard to kill you.

jen said...

good luck with the house/apartment hunting. it can be both fun and stressful. after living in the city in atlanta for 8+ years, it was a big adjustment moving to outside the city of milwaukee. but we love it and are so happy to be raising our son here!

Sheriff Bart said...

Get a helmet.