Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Imagine There's an Extra Verse in There

So the American Idol finale is over and done, and although I'm willing to concede that David Archuleta did a hell of a job with Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me (I never claimed the kid couldn't sing), I still think Cook was and is a better all-around performer.

His version of Collective Soul's The World I Know was spectacular.

But why should music fans across the country see to it that Cook wipes the floor with Archuleta -- what unforgivable sin did Disney Boy commit?

He omitted the first line of Imagine, which, ironically, is musical fucking heresy. Archuleta knew full-well that the heartland's Jesus-Loves-Me-This-I-Know crowd -- his bread and butter -- might not take too kindly to him singing "Imagine there's no heaven," so likely at the request of his conniving dipshit of a father, the kid just decided to edit one of the greatest songs by possibly the greatest rock songwriter in history.

Please, please, please people -- TAKE YOUR KIDS' CELL PHONES AWAY.

John Lennon will thank you for it in the next life.

(Update: Check the comment page for my ridiculously shameful conspiracy theory regarding the judging on last night's show.)


Geetch said...

I love David Cook so much that it is entirely possible I am that crazy lady from Pittsburgh who called to ask him on a date, but I hope he doesn't win. I think Archuleta is the perfect candidate to put out a rushed, syrupy first album and then fade into obscurity, with the option of making a comeback once he's a little older and has some life experience to put behind his music. A second-place win will take the pressure off of Cook, who can take some time to write the really good, album-worthy stuff of which he is capable, while his popularity will guarantee he won't be forgotten. ...I've thought about this too much. I don't even like this show, I swear.

Rachael said...

I have to agree. I would love to see David Cook make it with longevity.

Pipsqueak needs to go back to middle school and finish growing up. I cannot believe he tossed some of John Lennon's words. Sacrilege.

Anonymous said...

even if Cook won, his first album, even if it is just a bunch of covers, is already better than archuleta's out of the gate. so saying he shouldn't win to enable a better debut album doesn't seem like reason. anyway, why would he need time to write? he certainly seems as though he has been doing this for a while; my guess is -- if he has the writing ability -- he is filled to the brim with material. all he needs is a studio and a fantastic producer.

(oh, and i loved the teary moment. and simon's comment that he is one of the nicest and most sincere contestants they've had. it was touching.)

ok, too much coffee. clearly.

Atlantalee said...

I agree with geetch. Although I would love to see Cook win (and yes, I'm ashamed to admit that I texted the word VOTE on my AT&T wireless phone for him the past two weeks), he certainly doesn't need to. Regardless of the outcome, Archuleta will be on Broadway within five years, and Cook will be selling out stadiums.

Chez said...

Okay, here's my "Conspiracy Theory Rock" this morning (and I should be shot for even thinking about this kind of crap).

Simon's been one of Cook's biggest fans throughout the show, and whether or not Archuleta was good last night, Cook sang his heart out; it's not like he screwed anything up. He did U2 very well and the rest of his song choices were fantastic (I truly believed that Dream Big was a thousand times better than that syrupy schlock Arculeta did -- the one that makes last year's awful This Is My Now sound like Pearl Jam's Black). Add to that, the Collective Soul number was classic Cook, while Archuleta altered the lyrics of the most famous British song-writer of all-time.

So, why did Simon heap so much praise on Archuleta, deride Cook so severely and go out of his way to mention that Cook is such a nice guy (while the latter was crying on national television no less)? Well, what if Simon -- having access to the weekly voting stats, unlike the rest of us -- understood that in order for Cook to win, he'd need to turn the tables on Disney Boy and get the sympathy vote? The biggest criticism anyone's had about Cook all year is that he's arrogant; Simon shot that down at the perfect moment, while heaping what I really felt was an undeserved amount of criticism on Cook and an inordinate amount of praise on Archuleta.

This sounds a little crazy, I know, but did anyone notice Simon wink at Cook after judging his final performance?

Once again, feel free to kill me for even bothering to come up with a theory like this.

Woman of Ill Repute said...

No Chez, you're not crazy. My husband and I thought exactly the same thing conspiracy-theory wise. And we felt just as foolish as you do for putting so much thought into it. I think he also heaped praise on the puppy dog eunuch to make his tween fans think he's safe as hell and perhaps inducing their short attention spans to quit calling after two or three busy signals (though I'm sure they just text). We'll see. Either way Cook's got a career ahead of him. Good on him.

Mauricio said...

Chez, that was funny, but I think you are losing it! You shouldn’t be shot - but maybe slapped around a little bit...The little guy was good last night, and he's going to win, but both of these guys are going to do very well regardless of who comes in first or second.

Mr. Controversy said...

I love how all of these reality shows are wrapping up, just as this survey was publicized by the BBC.


Apparently, besides the Atomic Bomb, Reality TV is the worst idea ever. Just goes to show that the public giveth, and the public taketh away.

Anonymous said...

This whole conversation is why I do not watch American Idol.

The day-after post mortem is frightening. You guys are kooks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang out on the "LOST" message boards.

VOTAR said...

In quantum field theory, a tachyon is a quantum of a field -— usually a scalar field -— whose squared mass is negative, and is used to describe spontaneous symmetry breaking: The existence of such a field implies the instability of the field vacuum; the field is at a local maximum rather than a local minimum of its potential energy, much like a ball at the top of a hill. A very small impulse (which will always happen due to quantum fluctuations) will lead the field to roll down with exponentially increasing amplitudes: it will induce tachyon condensation. It is important to realize that once the tachyonic field reaches the minimum of the potential, its quanta are not tachyons any more but rather have a positive mass-squared, such as the Higgs boson.

Technically, the squared mass is the second derivative of the effective potential, at a point where the first derivative is zero. So for a tachyonic field the second derivative is negative, meaning that the effective potential is at a local maximum rather than a local minimum. Therefore this situation is unstable and the field will roll down to another point, stopping only at a local minimum, where its quanta have a non-negative squared mass, so that it is not tachyonic any longer.

Since a tachyon's squared mass is negative, it formally has an imaginary mass. This is a special case of the general rule, where unstable massive particles are formally described as having a complex mass, with the real part being their mass in usual sense, and the imaginary part being the decay rate in natural units.

However, in quantum field theory, a particle (a "one-particle state") is roughly defined as a state which is constant over time, i.e. an eigenvalue of the Hamiltonian. An unstable particle is a state which is only approximately constant over time; However, it exists long enough to be measured. This means that if it is formally described as having a complex mass, then the real part of the mass must be greater than its imaginary part. If both parts are of the same magnitude, this is considered a resonance appearing in a scattering process rather than particle, since it does not exist long enough to be measured independently of the scattering process. In the case of a tachyon, the imaginary part of the mass is infinitely larger than the real part, and hence no concept of a particle can be attributed to it.

It is important to stress that even for tachyonic quantum fields, the field operators at spacelike separated points still commute (or anticommute), thus preserving causality.

Chez said...

And the winner is... LUCKY PIERRE CRUZ!

Jacki Schechner said...

I am so glad you weighed in! I was out of town and out of touch and totally dropped the ball on my weekly liveblog (and on the last show, no less. epic fail!)

I wrote my take early this morning in an effort to combat what was surely crushing disappointment on behalf of my 6 readers (hi mom), and I agree with your assessment - as usual.

Cook is better by far. No contest.

Stephen said...

I honestly don't see how one can argue with Votar...his argument is rock-solid.

Here's MY conspiracy theory:
Fox shamelessly cross-promotes AI on all it's local affiliates, who fuel the national program jones with their revenue.
Archuleta is too young to be allowed to participate in the early morning satellite round-table that will take place the next day due to child labor restrictions. We've dealt with this before with cast-offs under 18.

Your winner may be Cook by the network's hand, not the frenzied tweens.

It's a long shot, but if it IS true, then I won't have to deal with this shit tomorrow.

YZF said...

Chez, that theory is brilliant. Of course, you should be punished for even thinking it, but now that it's out there... kudos.

Anonymous said...

So, Voltar, were you trying to drop an atomic bomb of smart right into the middle of this conflagration of stupid so that it would be snuffed out?