Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Am the Goddess of Hellfire, and I Bring You...


So, you know how the first couple of rounds on American Idol are always dedicated to those cringe-worthy circus freaks who don't seem to display a shred of talent, yet who still labor under the delusion that they've got what it takes to win and wind up making complete fools out of themselves?

Among those poor, sad souls -- you know the overweight black girl in tasteless clothes with the badly and brightly colored hair who invariably gets up in front of everyone and shrilly screams her way through a really lousy song no one's ever heard of while bouncing all over the place, only to be laughed at by the stunned judges, forcing her to storm off while insisting to a pitying America that she's gonna be a star one day -- you just wait?

Well, guess what?

At least one of them was right -- because she went on to fucking win American Idol.

Seriously, watch this "performance" from underachieving former Idol winner Fantasia on last night's show and say to yourself the same thing that Jayne, myself and Simon Cowell did (watch for the hysterical look on his face):

WHAT... THE... FUCK?!



A hearty congrats to Fantasia; in three short minutes, she managed to pulverize the credibility of American Idol more handily than Sanjaya Malakar, Jason Castro and that "Vote for the Worst" website combined.

24 comments:

Felis Femina said...

The stunned "deer in headlights" expression is priceless but even better is the bemused smile he has as the song comes to an end. It looks like he's waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind Paula and scream "punk'd!".

Girl With Curious Hair said...

I just burned my nose with coffee and had to stop watching midway through. It doesn't help that there is a crazy scientist trying to dance along with the madness.

micheal said...

american idol had credibility?
youre shitting me, right?

Blenderab said...

I am truly missing something... I’d ask that someone explain it to me, but frankly, I don’t give a rip!

Maybe, I understood every 15th word. Aside from that, it looked like they were all trying to fellate the microphone. Perhaps, it was to cover up the fact that they were probably faking it. It appeared to be electrifying, or even entertaining, but what was the point? WTF is right!

WHY DOES ANYBODY EVEN WATCH THIS DRECK???

I tried to watch this show once, at my sister’s insistence, during the “Bo Bice” era, but my nose started to bleed. It is obvious that it is “loaded,” “fixed,” or whatever you choose to call it. (I rather watch re-runs of the “Gong Show.” at least you knew it was a joke.)

If winning was a true measure of success, then why are there more successful “losers” out there then winners? (Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson, etc.) The simple fact that only two “winners” so far have had any form of what I would call “moderate” success speaks volumes. I say moderate, because Carrie Underwood hasn’t been around all that long, and we have no idea what kind of staying power she’ll eventually have. Even Kelly has started to fade away into oblivion. (I have a pretty good idea why too, if you ask me.)

Kelly Clarkson was the only one that I choose to follow up with after the fact. She is the only one who (I feel) had any range, or real talent. (I admit that I never really listened to her until after her second album came out, and fell into my lap. It was only for that reason that I went back and watched her past performances on the show.)

Anonymous said...

I don't think she's any worse than any other american pop 'performer'. she deserves to win and american pop music deserves her.

Christine said...

I watched it. I did not listen to it... it was too early in the morning and I didn't need my brain to start dripping into my coffee. However, for your reading pleasure, I found this link in the Yahoo Music Blog (by Lyndsey Parker):

Far more entertaining was the performance by season 3 champ (and Syesha Mercado heroine) Fantasia, now sporting strangely Nikki McKibbin-ish pink hair. Now this here was a real American idol, people. Fantasia (my favorite all-time Idol winner, for those keeping track at home) just killed it. There wasn't a single performance this entire season, by ANY of the contestants, that came even close to being as funky and fiery and fresh and just plain old FUN as Fantasia's performance tonight. Come to think of it, there's never been a single performance in any season, by ANY contestant, that's come as close to the greatness of Fantasia's "Summertime" performance back in season 3, so it makes sense that when she returned to the stage four years later, Fanny pretty much wiped the floor with Syesha and the Davids. It was so amazing, even Simon Cowell was rendered speechless. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but since Simon's motto is usually, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say it loudly," I'll interpret his uncharacteristic silence as high praise.

May whoever wins AmIdol this season go on to be half as awesome as Fantasia.

Amy said...

hahaha I love you man.

I remember thinking last night, "someone told her this was a good song...?"

I also noted the screaming, and laughed out loud, by myself when I saw Simon's face.

Then when it ended, I remember thinking, "ohh I wish they would critique her!!"

ha. What a mess.

Jacki Schechner said...

I kept thinking how brave she was to try rock the jumpsuit.

LaRoach said...

What's amazing is that it looks like Simon is the only one who thought it sucked. Everyone else was cheering, clapping and dancing. "This person is a star so it must be good!" Almost like a musical circle-jerk or something.

For some reason her voice reminded me of Alvin and the chipmunks doing a James Brown impression. Maybe I need more coffee.

Anonymous said...

Overweight? Please.

Chez said...

Go grab yourself another Twinkie there sweetheart.

Christian said...

I thought Fantasia was great last night. After week upon week of boring, MOR radio-ready crap (I'm looking at you, Adam Levine), it was nice to see someone come onstage with some energy.

Best live performance on Idol since Prince.

Anonymous said...

Whats up with all the American Idol crap lately? Next you're going to be talking about how you're starting to look forward to the Sex and the City movie and that Oprah isn't that bad if you actually stop to watch it.

Duane said...

It's pop music, what did you expect? Plus, it's pop music on Idol, I haven't seen one single good guest performance on that show.

So many people hate on Fantasia. It's weird. I like her best when she's singing soul or classics. Her Summertime rendition is still the best I've ever seen from any Idol competitor.

So, let me ask you, why the hell are you watching this show anyway? I stopped watching a few years ago because it really began to suck. You might want to try it. You don't seem to enjoy it very much and I don't want you should hurt yourself.

Jayne said...

It's all my fault. Chez and I only have one tv, and I'm a sucker for talent competitions.

Yes, the things we do for love.

Manda said...

God bless you, Jayne and your Mister for falling on your swords and watching AI so the rest of us who avoid it like the plague can still enjoy the amusing parts posted on your blogs.

That was a bizarre performance. She was bark-singing, doing the chicken dance all over the stage, and letting the back-up singers carry the brunt of the song. And who was that dude in the balcony? He was practically atonal.

Man, I love Simon.

Deacon Blue said...

Jayne, Chez...get another TV, quick. The child will OWN the one you have before you know it. Do not let yourselves be reduced to a steady diet of children's shows. Save yourselves. It's too late for me, but you still...have...a...chance. *gasp*

Graham said...

I don't usually watch much tv so I haven't seen all her other performances but from that video I thought it was an ok performance as a group. It didn't exactly screem next big poip star either.

The lead singer doesn't do very much singing though. I can see what you mean.

the doctor said...

Wow. She looked horrible and sounded worse than she looked.

I wonder if Burger King will make her dye here hair black. I mean can you imagine the puzzled look when she asks if you want cheese on that Whopper or do you want to king size your meal.

On second thought maybe she replace the king. Imagine her peekin through your window to offer you a king breakfast sandwich

Deacon Blue said...

OK, now that I can finally view it...I have to say that I'm less bothered by the unintelligible singing (hell, I couldn't understand much of Kurt Cobain either until I got the Nirvana Unplugged CD) than some around here. But could they maybe, I don't know, hire a REAL choreographer? Or did they use Paula Abdul on one of her bender days to plan out that mess?

Annalee said...

I'm ready for your comments on the second worst performance of the week... New Kids on the Today Show.

China Blue said...

That was hot! A hot MESS.

I've learned the hard way that matching one's hair to one's lipstick, and wearing green eyeshadow and false eyelashes that make you look like the elephant from Sesame Street is not a style winner. Chez, you need to look at Hot Ghetto Mess, if you haven't already. Fantasia looks tidy in comparison.
Still, it took my mind off wanting to punch David Archuleta, I don't know about anyone else!

Mika aka Xeyli said...

American Idol had credibility?

astra said...

Chez is MY american idol xxx