Friday, May 09, 2008

Family Units


In case you were lucky enough to miss it, the Duggar family took time out from its hectic overpopulation schedule to grace the Today show this morning, where they were treated to heaps of warm encomia on-camera (and were mercilessly joked about off-camera). For those who don't have a subscription to Procreation Weekly, the Duggars -- Jim Bob and Michelle -- are the lucky parents of 17 children. Michelle, who essentially has an assembly line that ends at her cervix, cranks out about a kid a year, and has since 1988.

It goes completely without saying that the Duggars are full-on fundamentalist Christians who live in Arkansas, don't believe in contraception, home-school their entire brood, and somehow find a way to joyfully drop the name of the Lord every fifteen seconds or so like there's a Skinner Box treat in it for them.

Think of the Flanders -- times nine.

Or maybe that polygamist cult in Texas, as dressed by the Gap.

All morning, Today hyped the appearance by America's favorite freakshow, teasing viewers with hints of a "big announcement" that mom Michelle was going to make live on the air.

If you couldn't see this one coming, you were probably home-schooled: That's right, they're having another baby -- number 18!

At least the show's producers had the cynical forethought not to tease that it was a "big surprise announcement."

I really don't have a joke here; this whole thing kind of makes its own gravy. I just needed somebody to laugh at and poke with a stick this morning and you know something, the Duggars are right -- the Lord does provide.

(Incidentally, yes, that's them in the picture)

45 comments:

hannah said...

That photo doesn't have nearly enough crotchlings in it. I want an up-to-date image! Seriously, people like this make me hate my home state even more. My only defense is that they're from the mountains corner of the state, which still hasn't figured out that anti-miscegenation laws are illegal and that the Great War didn't happen in the 1860s.

dammitjanet said...

Monty Python, as usual, said it best....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=47P59ha9k9s

the kids just walk out, in their little denim jumpers now, right? clutching little placenta-covered Bibles to their tiny chests shouting HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Deacon Blue said...

C'mon, don't bitch, Chez. If they keep it up and have a few like-minded friends, these folks could be instrumental in helping to repopulate our tattered armed forces over the next decade or two.

VOTAR said...

Jim Bob.




















Jim Bob.

Brian H said...

Don't know what to think about this. Obviously 18 kids is freakish, but they don't seem like they're bat-shit insane. The parents and kids act normal, they don't seem cultish or anything, but there's just so many of them.

It's a hell of a way to bootstrap a family tree.

Girl With Curious Hair said...

OMG! Thank goodness for Today! If not for them, who else would break the news of killer mouthwash and irrelevant people who don't use contraception being pregnant again? It's not like we're in a war (or two), the economy is going down the tank, there is government corruption at every level, there is a world wide food shortage or anything else that they could be filling their four hour morning show with.

I wonder where they're registered...

Mike said...

Am I the only one who so desperately wants one of the daughters to get knocked up pre-maritally? Bonus points if it's by one of the brothers, too.

John Foley said...

I have to imagine that Mrs. Duggar is the lousiest lay of all time, for these reasons:

1. She's a boring Christian
2. She's been pregnant 18 times, which means she's had sex 18 times
3. 17 kids have already come out the chute, which means that intercourse with her is probably like parking a Yugo in a 2-car garage.

JohnnyO said...

You DON'T have a joke here???
Chez, read your entry again. I'm busy cleaning coffee off the keyboard.
Keep up the good work.

Dustin said...

Ha ha! Before I came here, I posted this story over on Webster's is my Bitch not five minutes ago and used the same photo. Great minds ... oh ... drunken minds think ... you know.

Anonymous said...

"And thank-you for my Loving Husband, and Wonderful Children, but Dear Lord PLEEZE PLEEZE PLEEEEEZE can I have menopause now?"

Why can't SOMEONE cut that fucker's nuts off?

Anonymous said...

At least they're not on welfare.

Chez said...

Sure they are. They take oodles of handouts and donations from around the country and, as Dustin said pretty nicely on WIMB, the cable channel TLC operates like a welfare check to them. These dingbats have their own cable reality show -- they're followed around and lauded for their can-do spirit in the face of (pause for the laugh track and applause) all those zany kids!

These kids are fucked if they ever get out into the real world. I can only imagine how they felt here in New York City this morning. I almost wanted to cab it down to 30 Rock and be there when they came out of the studio -- do something to scare the piss out of them -- maybe have Jayne meet me and we could fornicate on the sidewalk in front of them, then kill and eat a live goat while a homeless drag queen urinates all over himself while doing a Liza impression.

Welcome to New York folks -- now go the hell home.

Captain Babypants said...

Chez,

Not only would they have been shocked at the spectacle. They would be completely confused by you having sex with an already pregnant woman.

"You got it all wrong, son!"

BV said...

As someone who moonlights as a homeschool tutor/teacher/bitch I can attest that there is nothing wrong with homeschooling (when approached in a certain way), but homeschooling 18 children who are all on different levels and coming up with 18 different lesson plans makes my head asplode.

I would say that they pork for Jesus, except that Jesus was a Jew and didn't eat pigs.

Dianne said...

Best response to them I ever saw..

a poster of the family, with the caption "A vagina is not a clown car".

When the Lord said go forth and populate the world, he didn't mean all by themselves!

Jayne said...

Do I have a say in this plan??

b80vin said...

What was that Star Trek episode? The Trouble with Triffles or something. You get an exponential population growth, until you're over run? These people aren't Christians, they're part of the Kudzu Kult. And they home school? First lesson of the day: Changing a babies diaper. Second lesson of the day: Ignoring the cameras.

What's really sickening is that there are shit load of TODAY watchers who think of this as a "feel good" human interest story.

By the way Chez, and any other atheist/agnostic here. I had to go to church last night for the funeral of a friend's mother. The god-enthralled preacher or whatever he was, glared at us because we refused to even pick up a hymnal much less sing. The whole experience was like watching "Expelled" as a live show.

melanie said...

Um, Chez, do you watch the Today Show every day? It sure seems so...

I think most people miss the really infuriating part of the Duggar's story. It isn't that they have 17+ kids, it's WHY they have so many: penance for using contraception early in their marriage. They believe that by doing so they inadvertently ended an unknown number of pregnancies, and are hoping now to make it up to God.

If you're going to be idiots, do you HAVE to make it sound like it was God's idea?

Blenderab said...

For the love of Christ..... Someone get these people a TV already!

(And while you're at it... since they're from Arkansas, ask Bill Clinton to visit, and explain the wonders of "Oral.")

Deacon Blue said...

@ Melanie:

Folks like this make me wonder how they missed the part about being wise stewards of God's property, the planet being one of those pieces of property. If everyone gave up contraception (whether barrier, pharmaceutical or "rhythm" method...as crappy as that last one is)...this world would be even more screwed than it is now for overpopulation and scarcity of resources.

It's people like that, who cover up their idiot choices as being God's will, who make people like me look like idiots simply for having faith in the Bible, generally speaking.

Anonymous said...

These people give me the creeps, and I keep wondering, what effect will all of this have on their children. But the other comparison I keep thinking of - the US loved the Kennedy's - and jeez, didn't Ethel have 13 kids? Or 14? And the Kennedy's are very religious people. But these push it in your face Baptists or whatever they are are frightening. But the father must be making a righteous buck to keep them in braces and food and everything else.....wonder what their Stimulus Check will be from GWB?

Tod said...

I think we should all attempt to have this many kids so that we can kill the planet early from overpopulation. That way maybe the cockroaches will have a chance to get to the top of the evolutionary heap faster. Also we would make an even more appetizing appeal the the space aliens out there that are waiting to conquer and eat us.

This country needs to change the laws that benefit families that have more than 2 children, and gives a huge incentive to people that only have one child. I think we should add a 10 percent penalty to families with more than 3 children personally.

melanie said...

@ deacon blue

I am right there with you.

VOTAR said...

You know, I just remembered that my maternal great grandmother was one of twelve children, which means that I am in fact a product of this kind of lunacy. And now of course I've just gone and thrown up in my own mouth.

But at least Jim Bob is doing his Christian duty by abstaining from lustful acts, because let's face it, except for that odd squeaking noise in the bed springs once in a while, by now he couldn't possibly even know when he's actually having sex.

Jim Bob, seriously man.
Bukkake.
Look into it.

Anonymous said...

They aren't Baptist... he has his own church, and he's the home preacher. Who's going to question his authority? Cultish? Naahh...

And shouldn't the oldest kids be AWAY at college? I know I'm kicking mine out - no choice - just so they can see how bad I screwed them up. They'll have their chance with their own seeds later =).

Do you think the girls would be excommunicated if they decided they wanted to wear different clothes or cut their hair?

Her eggs are getting old and her chances are increasing for a baby with a birth defect...

18 children just isn't cute or funny anymore. Do they know how many orphaned/unwanted kids are waiting to be adopted?

Anonymous said...

Oh, so THIS is the family they modeled Idiocracy on.

Anonymous said...

Thank you BV.

Atheist homeschool family here. (for shame, only two thoughtfully planned kids here).

I really loathe the fact that circus side shows like this are the public face of the homeschooled, which leads to impressions Chez has.

These people are freaks.

Erica Dee said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Bob_Duggar

The fact that this devout Baptist has made any decisions in our government scares the shit out of me.

I honestly don't think they're in debt because they
a) shop at aldi
b) wear handmade clothing OR donations
c) he is in real estate (which in this market may turn on him)
d) live in Arkansas

yes. I'll admit I have watched one of the TLC shows.

Deacon Blue said...

To the folks who remember the huge families of past decades...

...it's true, of course. My dad was one of 13 kids in a very Catholic family. My mom's family was "small" by comparison with only 7 brother/sisters total.

But the world population was much less then; people by and large didn't live as long; you often needed those extra hands around the house (or farm or whatever); the birth control wasn't as good or as accessible; and money went a lot farther than it does today, cent for adjusted cent.

Back then, it wasn't crazy. Today, it's pure madness.

Anonymous said...

Overpopulation is the bane of the earth's existence. In being a responsible human, one should only have one, maybe two children.

Fuck these parents for contributing to that times 9.

Anonymous said...

All the children have J names, and today I heard they will continue to have as many more as they can. Please, early menopause, please. That poor woman, God why hast thou forsaken her?

Anonymous said...

18
wow you can have 2 teams of 9
think they are any good at baseball?

julie said...

I can better tolerate this sideshow than those who use IVF, conceive a goddamn litter and then refuse selective reduction because they don't want to interfere with "God's will". They go on to deliver seven babies who weigh less than a pound each, require millions of dollars of medical intervention, end up with all kinds of developmental disabilities, medical traumas .... damn. Someone needs to explain to me why they didn't consider using IVF as interfering with God's will.

Felis Femina said...

Julie -

And don't forget, after they've popped out eight kids in one punch, they get to have their egos stroked on Oprah for being so courageous while Oprah begs the rest of us to send donations for this family who have such trying times ahead.

My sentiment - you bore 'em, you deal with 'em.

winged unicorn said...

i cannot help but wonder if it is possible to sterilize the next generation before they are allowed to breed too.
do mom and dad do ANYTHING besides fuck? ever?
it took me 3 months to get pregnant with my first, 12 months with my 2nd. i had 3 miscarriages between my 2nd and 3rd. i look at this woman and am amazed at the tenacity of her uterus, how it hasn't just fallen on the floor in despair as she strolled down the hall after her latest coital event.

sidebar: if the caesarean rate is 1/3 and she's had 17 vaginally, does that mean the actual caesarean rate in arkansas is 99%? every other birth except her?

i need a drink.

9H2Os said...

A cult/Christian (same thing)family like this has its own built in "fuck you" to their limited wold view...1/10 of their children are bound to be homosexuals. Muahahha! I love when Christian values come against evolution fact.

Rachael said...

When do you think the wife will start shilling for Depends? Multiple pregnancies do nasty things to bladder control...

Deacon Blue said...

@ 9h2os:

The definition of "cult" and the essence of being a true Christian aren't even in the same zip code, much less the same ballpark. So, while I share your distaste for what the Duggars are doing, a hearty "fuck you" to you on behalf of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are too well-mannered, too uptight or too nervous to say it themselves.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to all the fine upstanding, kick-ass moms our there in Chez's readership, including mom-to-be Jayne.

Anonymous said...

So, Deacon, are you actually a follower of Jesus, whose TWO commandments were to love God and to love other people as you love God, or are you one of those Paulist assholes running around drawing lines in the sand for others to obey?

Deacon Blue said...

I have my asshole-ish moments, anonymous. I'm pretty even-tempered most of the time, and I don't get pissed off at most of the Christian jokes and slams around here (in fact, I generally take them with good humor)...but I took exception to the idea that a cultist and a Christian are equivalent. Did I overreact? Maybe. Am I human, yes? Sorry. I'm not perfect. Jesus was. I ain't. And while perhaps I should have passed on the "fuck you" comment to the other poster, sometimes, well...what can I say: I run out of cheeks to turn until all my used-up cheeks heal up again.

Anonymous said...

Makes me sick...

winged unicorn said...

hey votar-
i LIKE that!!!!!

telling you chez, votar and i are going to end up together.

Anonymous said...

I love reading comments by tolerant and compassionate liberals.

You are the same people who accuse conservatives of being intolerant of lifestyles and religions that are different than their own. Look, why don't you find something productive to do, like fixing your own lives instead of picking apart what these people are doing. They ain't bothering you, so just leave them alone, will ya?

Adrienne Saia said...

Look, I'm not as bothered by the number of kids itself as I am by the number of kids rocking the "femullet."

Breaks my heart.