Thursday, May 29, 2008

American Idiots


I've been trying to find a way to include this in a more substantial piece, but really, about what? What could I possibly say about the larger implications of NBC's hyper-hyped and comically panderous "All American Summer" schedule that hasn't already been considered by anyone with an IQ over 40?

Every time I see another bombastic commercial for Nashville Star -- now inexplicably moved from, ironically, cable's "USA" network to NBC proper -- I have to fight the urge to throw something heavy at my television. If you've been fortunate enough to miss the full ads because all that flashing red, white and blue has caused you to go into an immediate epileptic seizure, they foist the likes of brand new Nashville Star host Billy Ray Cyrus (now with stronger blonde highlights) on you -- calling him "America's Dad," which would apparently make all 300 million of us untalented teenage tramps. Beyond that, NBC's motley collection of smarts-deprived shows includes American Gladiator, America's Got Talent (see a pattern developing here?) The Baby Borrowers -- the premise of which reads like a pro-abstinence counselor's wet dream -- and of course, Celebrity Circus, which stretches the already tenuous definition of "celebrity" in our culture to new lengths by slapping the label on Antonio Sabato Jr., Stacey Dash from Clueless and that idiot Chris Knight (now in his second pop cultural resurrection, the reality of which officially and non-negotiably drops him back six or seven places into the realm of K-list has-beens).

If you're searching for someone to blame for the lowest-common-denominator Foxification of the peacock's once-great primetime lineup, look no further than Ben Silverman, the co-chair of NBC Entertainment and NBC/Universal and the world's most successful overgrown frat-boy douchebag. Silverman is actually the executive producer of Nashville Star, hence why it's being moved up from NBC/Uni's farm league at USA to the majors in what would appear to be a trade for Law & Order: Criminal Intent and, one would imagine, two really shitty shows to be named later. The fact that Silverman is not only successful but has become so via the control of so much NBC programming is all the proof you need of both the existence and virility of pacts with Satan.

Back when I used to work for NBC, we made fun of the network's promotion for its summer rerun schedule; admittedly, the commercials which claimed that "if you haven't seen it, it's new to you" were worthy of a little bit of ribbing.

But I'll take four hours straight of ER reruns every night -- even in the show's present form -- rather than watch NBC resort to relying on Billy Ray Cyrus, Jerry Springer and David Hasselhoff to put asses in front of the TV. Literally.

11 comments:

Stephen said...

As a kid I actually enjoyed the network summer filler crap. Circus of the Stars, Battle of the Network Stars ("stars" would've been more appropriate, but...)
Who doesn't want to see Bernadette Peters spinning plates or Gil Gerard running the obstacle course??? Clifton Davis walking on hot coals and laying on a bed of nails...I could go on, but then I'd save you hours of good you tubin'
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah...stay out of my booze!

robpo said...

And watch the ratings plummet ever further. American Galdiator is already a bomb, it was down 68% in its May return from when it kicked off in February. The networks as a whole were down 10% in May from a year ago, down 17% with 18-49 year olds.

NBC has been decent lately with The Office and Earl. Thats 2 more good shows than it looks like they have tapped for summer. Summer is anemic for the networks anyway, NBC must have decided to stop caring.

Isn't Nashville Star right up your alley Chez? Idol for hicks. Maybe its a chance to overcome some biases...

Mr. Controversy said...

So Billy Ray Cyrus is America's Dad? Well then, expect a lot more shitty music and half naked photos of America's Preteens! (Hand off, NBC, that title's mine and I'm selling it to Fox. At least they still treat people like humans while skullfucking them with horrid television. They have House and 24 to offset the damage, what do YOU have?)

Vermillion said...

Hey now, Stacey Dash is a star!*

Still, those promos are sickening, and that is WITH the ability to skip the commercials. And the really kooky part? Wasn't NBC going to show episodes from their cable networks instead? Like Psych, Burn Notice, and even a bit of BSG? If this Silverman douche picked this crap over giving those shows more exposure, I may have to finally join a network hate train.

*This comment may or may not stem from the fact that she has a glorious booty that I may or may not want to touch/fondle/defile/!(@(!*@*! at some point in time.

Deacon Blue said...

Dear Lord A'mighty...I knew nothing about this because I don't get to watch TV anymore. What few shows I watch are past seasons of the good shit on DVD (Lost, Heroes, etc.). Now that I know what NBC is up to, and how much farther television quality has fallen since last I was a regular, it is clear that I need to get on my knees and THANK my 3-year-old for having forced me to watch Arthur, Dora, Barney, et. al. for the past 2+ years....

Prophet of Ra said...

you're the kind of terrorist loving america hater that eats lamb and tuna fish... i mean seriously, if you don't like billy ray cyrus you might as well just get the hell out

Rob in Calgary said...

I've been a pretty loyal fan of Nashville Star in its first five seasons (I've always thought of it as American Idol, but with talent). The move to NBC and the constant hype with Billy Ray Cyrus worries me, though.

I hope that the talent is decent, and that John Rich can save it from suck. I'm not entirely optimistic.

Paul said...

My wife was watching "Last Comic Standing" last night and as I walked by I saw the little promo for "Nashville Star". All of these crappy shows remind me of a Dennis Miller (way back when he wasn't cozying up to Falafel Boy) line..."the country is offically out of talent!"

MO said...

"America's Dad"? Oh, fuck me, that's just sad.

*basking a little extra-patriotically in my Canadian-ness*

punkypower said...

Baby Borrowers is the funniest sounding of them all, I have to watch that! Borrowing babies, who would have though?

Anonymous said...

Don't pitch a show unless it fits one of these 4 categories:

- Graphically violent crime drama
- Contest/Reality Dog Shit
- Music/Dance Reality Diarrhea
- Feelgood Reality Smegma