Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday Sacrilege

I've gleefully pissed down the back of religion quite a bit this past week, so I see no reason to push the issue too much further at the moment.

That being said, (translation: ignore the last sentence) I was meandering the internet last night when I came across an interesting fact: Sithian enforcer to Emperor Papaltine, Vatican PR pit bull, and all around ├╝ber-tool William Donohue -- president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights -- claims that "no one has insulted Catholics more than Bill Maher."

Donohue says that Maher "has consistently been listed in the Catholic League's Annual Report on Anti-Catholicism" for acts of bigotry, and has a habit of "slandering all priests as molesters and mocking the Eucharist."

I, for one, am wholeheartedly offended by all of this.

The reason of course is because, as far as I know, I'm not listed anywhere in the Catholic League's Annual Report on Anti-Catholicism. (I assume that if I were, I'd have gotten a plaque or something.)

True, Bill Maher has a much larger audience than little old me, but I feel like I've really done my part to openly insult the Catholic church, its cadre of pedophilic priests and its dangerously powerful "Holy Father." As for mocking the Eucharist, I was once thrown out of a theology class for calling communion wafers "Jesus Chips," so I think that qualifies me for at least a distant point on Donohue's radar.

That's why, my friends, I'm making an appeal to you for help. My goal for the next 12 months is to gain at least an honorable mention on the aforementioned Anti-Catholicism Report. I already make fun of the church and its laughably ridiculous and intransigent 11th century belief system whenever possible; I show the entire institution zero respect; what's more, I know the Bible inside and out -- having been raised Christian -- which puts me in a position to understand the organized insanity of which I speak.

With all due respect to Maher, I think I find the church even more immoral and worthy of ridicule than he does.

So come on Mr. Donohue -- mention my name the next time you're on O'Reilly; call me an intolerant threat to your poor little disorganized and put-upon congregation; insist that I'm going to hell.

You know, whatever.

I'll be awaiting your castigation.


Matt said...

Chez, my first suggestion: have Garth write a book. That ought to do it.

TomR said...

Frakking love the 'Jesus Chips,' mate! Frito-Lay should do a whole line. Maybe they could even sponsor Colbert for a trip to Vatican City.

Rob in Calgary said...

I am a Catholic; unfortunately, I have no pull whatsoever internally. Sorry!

Deacon Blue said...

I'm even less help than Rob in Calgary, as I'm a Catholic-turned-Protestant. But I'd be happy to write a recommendation letter if you need one.

Joshua said...

I knew there was a reason I read your blog. Posts like this one.

Blenderab said...

Whoa…. hold it right there pal.

“I know the Bible inside and out -- having been raised Christian -- which puts me in a position to understand the organized insanity of which I speak.”

I’m with you most of the time, but I have a hard time believing that you “know the bible inside and out.” Allow me to play “Devil’s Advocate” if you pardon the pun:

Just because you were raised a Catholic, went to Dade-Christian and Pace High (with me), in no way makes you an “expert” at anything, especially the Bible. Theology classes there were truly a joke.

With all the hypocrisy I witnessed at our “Catholic” High School, all I learned too was how to shy away from organized religions.

Really, I took a couple of courses in biology in college for my Pharmacy degree, and in no way does it make me a Biologist, nor does it (at all) make me an “expert” in the field of biology.

I’m just saying.

Chez said...

You're assuming that my education in religion came solely from Pace High and/or Dade Christian.

It didn't.

sparksinner said...

How about every time you shit on the church we all link to the post? That should at least raise your profile.

Nicole said...

Aw, Chez, you're killing me here. I can't stand the pope anymore than you can, and wish that he had lost the Papal Idol competition, but the Catholic girl inside me just...hangs...on.

The anguish!

Blenderab said...

Sorry man,

If you say so. So for now, I stand corrected.

I apologize, but the minute I hear anybody make a statement about "knowing the bible", especially "inside and out," it's a red flag for me to head for the hills!

Anonymous said...

More than Jack Chick? The Westboro babtist crazies got plenty to say about the Papists. (Did you see the video they put out when Falwell died.) How does Mahr even rate.
Audience thats how. Apply for Couric's job, get the numbers then do a crash/burn over two nights. That might get you on the list.
Who here owns a Buddy Crist statue?

Stephen said...

I totally respect your opinion and would gladly help with your quest if you'd explain why you decided to put a picture of Joy Behar at the head of this post.

Anonymous said...

Actually, you might be making more people turn to religion. Would this disqualify you?

I went to church yesterday and participated in what you would call "Jesus chips" and salsa. "Salsa" in that we dipped the Eucharist in the wine. (Go ahead - you can borrow it.)

I haven't been to church in years, mostly because I started to sound like you - Chez (being raised in Catholic school, which made me completely disgruntled, hostile and ignorant!), and it actually felt good to be back in church.

It makes me wonder - aren't the biggest or loudest opponents of an idea the ones who secretly observe what they attack? Ted Haggard on homosexuality, and your very own Eliot Spitzer ("Mr. Clean") who was once known to break-up prostitution rings - just to name a few. Hmmm....

Chez, you don't have to hide in the confessionals to pray - your readers will still love you when they find out.

Oh, I saved you a "Jesus Chip," but it might be a little soggy.

Anonymous said...

Your daughter is going to marry a Catholic boy!

god (Chez) forbid

prisco said...

Jesus Chips. We used to call them Christ Crispies. Though, in all fairness, if Jesus was going to be represented in cereal form, he'd probably choose Cheerios, They've already got the stigmata. Which is why we've decided on Jeez-Its.

All I can suggest is don't wear a giant foam cowboy hat and declare yourself SuperPope because your hat is bigger. While it got me the chance to toss out beads to drunk flashers on Mardi Gras, it doesn't do much to get you excommunicated.

Ally said...

They have an Anti-Catholicism Report? Eww. That's a bit creepy for me. My church never ceases to amaze me. We normal Catholics are constantly put through the ringer.

A report. Pfft.

Vermillion said...

I just have to say, applause to stephen for the Behar crack.

As far as your desire to be on that list, I am sure Donohue hates you a lot, just not enough to gain money/attention from opening his yap about it. You really need to up your profile. Getting canned was a good start; now you need a gimmick, a real showstopper.

How flexible are you? Like, can you get a leg behind your head? I mean, anyone can make fun of the pope, but who can do while playing their ass like a bongo drum?

winged unicorn said...

you ex is the product of 12 years of catholic school. he ended up married to a nice jewish girl from brooklyn....who, as many of you know is as perverted as they come. AND I PICKED A CATHOLIC TO FEED MY PERCERSIONS. heh heh heh
i vote for chez to lead the list.
and the new photo is VERY nice