Friday, April 18, 2008

"I Saw It! It's Alive! It's Huge! ... IT'S INFALLIBLE!!!"

Property of U.S. Government, Multiple Sightings of Case Designate "Poperfield"

Recording Recovered from U.S. 917, Area Formerly Known as Upper East Side, Manhattan 4/18/08

Hello, my name is Chez Pazienza.

Approximately seven hours ago, something attacked the city.

If you're seeing this, then you know more than I do.

It's big, dressed in white robes and a silly hat, occasionally rides around in a plexiglass car -- and it seems to be impervious to conventional weaponry, rationality or 2,000 years worth of scientific discovery. As far as I can tell, it's distracted the entire New York City Police Department and forced the closing of streets across Manhattan. There are, well, I'm not sure how to say this, but there are these parasites that seem to be coming off of it -- these little things dressed in Catholic schoolgirl outfits that gather around it, screaming, then disperse and begin to attack anyone nearby with attempts at conversion to Christ and promises of salvation.

I've never seen anything like it.

I'm hiding in the basement of my apartment right now, hoping I can wait it out until the nightmare passes.

If I don't make it -- tell my wife I love her.

I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you, baby.


Sheriff Bart said...

Everybody get outta here, there's a lobster loose! Ohhhh, holy cow, he's loose! Everybody get outta here - he's vengeful! Quickly! Cover yourself with hot butter and carry lemons just in case you have to squirt him with it and so forth, to repel him! Everybody get outta here, quickly! There's gonna be a tradegy! Oh, God! Ohhhh - Haaaah!

Lily said...

Is it Palpatine finally taking over? no, wait, is the Pope.

From a former Catholic School girl to a former Catholic School boy(look how we turned out): THAT'S FUNNY!


IBG said...


Hex said...

Cloverpope -- hahaha
That's awesome!

Manny said...

Looks like you picked the wrong weekend to stay in town.

Deacon Blue said...

Were the "parasites" actual Catholic schoolgirls or some sexy mob of adult women dressed up like Catholic schoolgirls?

If the latter, I'm sorry I wasn't there. It might have been worth the risk of being consumed.

OK, I'm sorry. I need to go consider my sinful thoughts for a moment. After I linger for just a few more moments...

Gina said...

Oh yes, the visitation of the Nazi Pope. Swell. I love how he continually claims he was "forced" to join the Nazi army. Yeah, yeah, I am SO SURE.