Thursday, April 10, 2008

Give 'Til It Hurts

21 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made to Each Other While Watching Last Night's Philanthrotainment Extravaganza, Idol Gives Back.

1. "For the cost of just one of Paula's therapy sessions, you could feed an entire African village for a year. Please give generously."

2. I'm not sure Simon Cowell is the right guy to be playing on our sympathies, or to be trying to imply that there's an unfair distribution of wealth in this country. He drives a million dollar Bugatti Veyron for Christ's sake. That's not luxury -- that's gross excess.

3. I'll bet everytime Randy says, "Yo Dog!" these kids go "where?!" and start looking in every direction for something they can kill and eat.

4. Hmm -- just a little bitchy. (Said after Teri Hatcher finished her ill-advised musical number.)

5. I didn't recognize Vanessa Hudgens with something covering her pubic hair. Oh, and there's gonna be a High School Musical 3? Just fucking kill me already.

6. Hi, I'm Reese Witherspoon, and I care about negroes. Now, does anyone have any anti-bacterial gel? (Said by Jayne, completely deadpan.)

7. God, I miss Kelly Clarkson.

8. On welfare. (Said after Mylie Cyrus asked one of the Appalachian kids, "What do you want to be when you grow up?")

9. Do you think the Jonas Brothers raped David Archuleta backstage?

10. Fuck, you realize that the Archuleta kid's gonna win, right? An army of text-happy tweens will ensure it and the neutered Disneyfication of American entertainment will be complete. Somebody please plunge the Seven Daggers of Meggido into him before it's too late for all of us.

11. Now that's the first honest thing I've heard all night. (Said immediately after Rob Schneider asked America to send him money.)

12. This is great, we complain about the spread of AIDS in Africa and what do we send them? Paris Hilton.

13. Well, at least now Sacha Baron Cohen finally has someone he can sue. So this is what happened to Yakov Smirnoff's act. (Said during Robin Williams's excruciating appearance as the alleged "Russian Idol.")

14. Tito, get me a tissue.

15. So Billy Ray Cyrus is from Appalachian Kentucky, making him and his retarded daughter the real-life Beverly Hillbillies. You know, for the cost of just one of Billy Ray's straightened highlights, a family of ten in his hometown could visit Graceland for a month.

16. If they just shipped some of the Appalachian folk down to New Orleans they could solve everybody's problems: The rednecks would have a place to live and New Orleans would be completely repopulated within six months.

17. Oh, Ann Wilson is so pissed right now. She's totally gonna eat Fergie. (Said as Fergie sexed-up Heart's Barracuda, sounding about as good as Ann does and looking better than Ann did 30 years and 300 pounds ago.)

18. You know where else you can get a five dollar foot-long? From those transvestite prostitutes on 13th Street. (Said by Jayne during a Subway commercial)

19. Holy shit, Daughtry in fucking Africa? This is the first time Chris Daughtry's seen black people who weren't at the end of a baseball bat. It's seriously a testament to the good-natured hospitality of the African people that they're going along with this. "Good people of Uganda, see, it could be worse. You could live in a place where the music sucks."

20. Shout to the Lord? This is how they end it -- with "Songs of Worship?" No, really -- SHOUT TO THE FUCKING LORD?

21. Do you think they'd give me back my two-and-a-half hours?


Anonymous said...

the last jokes on watched that 150 hours of excrement interspersed with advertisting. Thanks for saving the rest of us from the horror. I spent my time drinking.

little girl with a big attitude (aka dammitjanet) said...

20. Shout to the Lord? This is how they end it -- with "Songs of Worship?" No, really -- SHOUT TO THE FUCKING LORD?

Seriously, if there WAS a Lord, and he was listening, he'd have already HEARD them shouting, dropped down food, water and medicine from on high, killed Paula, Randy, Simon, Secrest, dread-head man, Archuleta, and Kristy suck-my Cook with a great ball of fire, dropped Paris, Lindsey, Britney, Mariah et al into a crevice in the earth and restored peace and harmony.

Makes as much sense as anything else that's happened on this show in 7 l-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-g seasons.

dirvish said...

In Appalachian accent: "I already poor as shit and you send me the achy breaky heart guy instead of a real celebrity? Fuck off!"

Amy said...

Your blog was more entertaining than the entire show this year.

Amy said...

Damn it. Last NIGHT.

Riles said...

Mrs Riles and I DVR'd the show, and after seeing that it was 150 min long, immediately new we weren't watching it. That's just inSANE.

Chez said...

What's worse: It actually ran long.

hannah said...

Re. #15, Graceland is way too expensive for anyone sane to enter. There's no way even BRC's insane hairdo could pay for a family to live in the Jungle Room for more than ten minutes.

Christine said...

Oh my word. If Jayne weren't already taken, I might turn lesbian for her. The comment about getting a five dollar foot-long nearly had me spit out my soda in the middle of the office, while serious men in tacky shirts from the Pentagon were walking by. I will be amused by that comment for DAYS, possibly weeks.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you could have had two hours of married sex...that's gotta be better than watching Idol.

sparksinner said...

#21: Tought titty. You gave those 2.5 hours of your own volition. Besides, comments 1-20 suggest you had a pretty good time. No refunds.

Good stuff overall. I too am impressed with Jayne's commentary. The Reese and footlong comment are my favorites.

Deacon Blue said...

I'm still trying to figure out how you had the synchronicity of being a rabid "Firefly" fan and marrying a woman who shares not only the name of one of the show's characters but also the non-traditional spelling. And you say there's no God. ;)

Anyway, you both got some awfully good shots in there. No. 6 and No. 12 are my favorites, so you and Jayne have to share the top spot in my Snarky American Idol Watchers competition.

BV said...

Daughtry's on the new Sevendust album, so he does know at least one other black person.

Stephen said...

Was that an Omen reference???

Ace Young on Good Day New York tomorrow....set your TIVOs. Better yet, tune in at 8:55 (don't bother with the rest of the me, I know).

Anonymous said...

Brilliant observations. I just turned the channel....

MataHari said...

#18, props to Jayne.
Glad I wasn't up for TV when this was on.

Becky said...

Oh, that's even better'n what I had to say about it. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

As a born and bred Appalachian girl:

WHY, oh why, do they always have to find the most podunk, holler-bred mountain rats for this shite?

I mean, Billy Ray CYRUS? He is negating his right to life by the fucking day.

And: Miley Cyrus=Britney Spears, but with a younger smokers rasp.

It makes sense now, all those Disney/Nazi affiliations, no?

germ78 said...

Oh, and there's gonna be a High School Musical 3? Just fucking kill me already.

Dude, where've you been? Teh Maus has announced that HSM4 is in the works.

It seems like they aren't just content to milk a cash cow to death, but to continue doing so after it's dead and rotting. I suppose it's natural since they've exhausted their source of public domain fairy tales to exploit.

Gunny Geek said...

This is why we don't watch television. It IS fun to heckle the shows, but that is all we do. It gets depressing after a while.

We tried once a few months ago, but wouldn't you know it, we caught the Teen Miss America moment about African children and maps.