Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Burn the Witch


Update: I've hung garlic around every entrance to my apartment, but by this time tomorrow I'll probably still be a desiccated corpse. The reason? The Huffington Post has just published a slightly altered version of this column -- which means that Gloria Allred has probably already turned into a bat and is now flying my way to take her revenge. Good knowing you all. You can read the HuffPo version here.

I'll make this quick.

I may spew a little venom here and there on this site, but believe it or not, there are scant few people in this world I truly despise. I'm not talking about the kind of people who annoy or mildly irritate; I'm talking about the ones whose mere existence just infuriates the shit out of me; whose lack of any discernible contribution to humanity makes me want to take a fucking hostage; whose voice alone can shatter my spine like glass.

Among this highly specialized group of horrid, worthless shitbags -- I'm not sure anyone is more thoroughly contemptible or patently offensive than Gloria Allred.

Cut from the same cloth as Nancy Grace, another feckless troll who treats the legal profession like her own personal litter-box-cum-slot-machine, Allred can typically be found wherever TV cameras are present. She's the alien queen of the ambulance-chasing high-profile lawyer set -- the sort of loathsome caricature that could only thrive in a place as morally bankrupt as Los Angeles. Over the course of her diabolically lengthy career, she's represented such celebs-via-circumstance as Amber Frey, Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Britney Spears's bodyguard -- all the while representing, in reality, only one person: Gloria Fucking Allred. She's inserted herself into the surreal debacle that was the Michael Jackson trial. She's manipulated an all-too-willing media into doing her bidding, which always involves beaming her gruesome, opportunistic ass into every home in America in what would seem to be a concerted effort to turn us all to stone.

What Al Sharpton is to race relations in this country, Gloria Allred is to its legal system.

And now -- of course -- she's representing Rob Lowe's nanny.

This morning, Allred appeared with 24 year old Jessica Gibson on NBC's Today show to do her copyrighted "Angry Mom Whose Innocent Daughter has Just Been Victimized" routine. For those of you lucky enough to have not heard a fucking peep about this case, Rob Lowe says Gibson is a trash-talker who exploited his family's goodwill; Gibson says Lowe sexually harassed her while she was caring for his kids. Honestly, who gives a crap either way?

Gloria Allred, of course.

Her performance this morning was pure theater -- pure Gloria: She held Gibson's hand like a supportive best friend; contorted her face into a steely grimace while shrilly heaping irresponsible invective at Lowe; wouldn't let anyone else get a word in that might counter her carefully rehearsed indignation; looked like she was always one involuntary impulse away from digging into Gibson's neck to drink her sweet, young blood. The only thing missing was a fucking trapeze act.

The good news is that by allowing herself to be preyed on by this wicked witch -- by accepting the shiny red apple of a big money settlement that was no doubt offered so seductively -- Jessica Gibson has all but ensured that she'll lose in court. Sure, she'll get a lot of free press, but in the end, thanks to Allred's unholy puppetry, she'll get a few bucks from posing for Playboy and eventually be known as 2008's Darva Conger.

Remember her?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Good fucking job there, Gloria.

21 comments:

little girl with a big attitude (aka dammitjanet) said...

Glad somebody else watched this fucking joke this morning and was appalled. Even my 13 year old son said, "Jesus, what a bitch! She won't let anybody else talk!"

Sorry, Rob Lowe could have any woman in this country that he wanted. Do you REALLY think he is going to do all of that to the kids nanny, right under his wife's nose? Please.

Shakespeare was right...first, kill all the lawyers....

DNA Cowboy said...

I didn't give the picture a good look before I read the title, and for a second thought it was Arianna Huffington. And thought to myself, "so much for the honeymoon..."

And if she'd have gotten her degree in Theology, she could have been Tammie Faye. Ain't life grand?

Chez said...

How dare you.

Thomas said...

I dunno, man... Jessica Gibson in Playboy is comparable to having Greta Van Sustren's only-slightly-more-attractive niece pose in those hallowed pages.

However, I'd rather see Gibson end up in Playboy over Britney Spears getting that gig. Pardon me, I just vomited in the back of my throat a little...

And @DNA Cowboy — Arianna is the queen of all cougars, man... But to each their own. Here's the unreleased (and unwanted) Britney Spears edition Playboy, coming your way...

MataHari said...

She reminds me of a gremlin. Ugly soul and bad hair.

Paul said...

Burn the witch...just bring me back her head

Mary said...

Why did Jessica have that freaky SMILE on her face throughout the interview? Total weirdos.

VOTAR said...

Glad to say I missed that one. I did tune in a little news this morning though, but instead of this, I saw on CNN an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," on Headline News there was an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," on MSNBC I watched an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," over at Fox they had an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," on CBS I caught a few moments of an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," which was followed by my perusal of NBC's irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," and another segment on ABC devoted to an irrelevant and pointless discussion of the word "bitter," after which I caught a commercial on Telemundo for Guayaberas And More where there is a buy-one-get-one-free sale on "Wife Beaters," and then I enjoyed the History Channel's special mini series about how bitter everyone was in Poland when the Nazis invaded, a show on Food Network about bitter batter made better with butter, on Animal Planet they interviewed a snake handler whose python had bit her, on CBN Pat Robertson prayed for everyone in small town America to cling religiously to their guns, and on the SciFi Channel was the episode of Star Trek where Spock sang "Bitter Dregs."

Deacon Blue said...

I know that Americans are bitter about the bitterness that is bitterly tainting our daily lives, like Votar's, but I want you to know that as president, I will strive to bring something sweeter, something more savory...
-------------------------
(That's as much of Obama's next speech as I was able to jot down before they chased me out of the campaign offices.)

Nancy said...

Darva Conger! Holy shit -- you really DO rock, friend. Well done.

n, np, who has never seen Gloria but would happily watch someone do unspeakable things to Nancy Grace

dick_gozinia said...

Bra - fucking - vo!

I have hated this attention-grabbing, self important whore for years. I'm not as eloquent as you, so I'm glad you were able to write my exact sentiments for me.

wickedwitch said...

Please don't insult us witches. Call her what she really is, a manipulative bitch. See there, I said it and I feel much better.

Nathan said...

My favorite part was Gloria saying she'd reviewed the files and "...I find their accusations completely without merit."

Well great Gloria, but lawyers don't issue 'findings', Judges do you fucking moron. STFU.

Celery said...

if my husband had appeared in a famous videotape banging a minor, AND had gone to rehab for his "sex addiction", then the nanny would look a lot more like ms. allred than her client.

Stephen said...

"on Animal Planet they interviewed a snake handler whose python had bit her"

That's freaking awesome!

I know I speak in sitcom language, but on the Simpsons she was "lower thirded" as Gloria Allred, Shrill Feminist Attorney. 'Nuff said.

PS. I have the Darva Conger issue of Playboy...Chez I think you inadvertantly just raised it's value.

st in texas said...

Somehow Allred's daughter, Lisa Bloom, turned out kinda of HOT...with a little help from her plastic surgeon...but sadly Bloom is as shrill as her mother

Michael J. West said...

Somehow I can never hear her name anymore without remembering the spot-on parody of her on the Simpsons' "Behind the Laughter" episode. Things have gotten so bad in the family that they've all brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving, and when Lisa (who's alienated everyone by writing a tell-all) mutters about the dry turkey, Marge tells her to "save it for your next book."

Gloria Allred (whose appearance is captioned "Shrill Attorney") jumps up, points at Marge, and shouts, "That is assault! THAT is assault!"

Alysa hears a who said...

She reminds me of a gremlin. Ugly soul and bad hair.

Obviously someone didn't get the memo about not feeding her after midnight.

Maggie said...

'Did you write these emails saying you loved the Lowes and weren't leaving because of them?'
Gibson: 'Well uh' (smirk)
(Allred interrupts and spews off a bunch of crap)
Gibson: (smirk)

People wonder why people who have been sexually assaulted never press charges- it's because of people like this, who get caught with their heads up their own asses and decide to cover up their idiocy with an accusation of the most tabboo of crimes. It is because of people like Allred and Gibson that women who have been sexually abused don't bother to come forward a large percentage of the time. A rape trial usually ends in nothing but humiliation and defeat. Why put so much courage and energy into a case that you will lose anyway because some people are evil enough to scream 'rape!' when backed into a corner?

Allred's little empowerment speech to the sexual victims of America at the end of the interview made me want to vomit.

Michelle said...

I bow to you.

*bows*

Well done.

(Sorry, my brain isn't working well enough to do more than admire at the moment!)

Wen said...

Sorry.. just now getting caught up on your blogs. When I saw Allred on the Today Show, I immediately IMed my friend "Oh, kill me now!" Have hated her since she jumped on the Michael Jackson kids case. In addition this nanny, she recently jumped on some case where a female passenger was told to remove her nipple piercings in order to get on a plane. She is a media whore. If only the media would stop putting her on camera!! One of my favorite posts -- among many!