Monday, April 21, 2008

Achy Breaky Tart


Back in November, I wrote a column ripping the ever-loving hell out of Disney and its latest preternaturally sanitary, wholly owned family friendly entertainment product, Hannah Montana.

At the time, my detractors all seemed to rally around the same loud, droning argument -- and it's a familiar one: Hannah Montana and its pixyish star Miley Cyrus represent good, wholesome fun and provide a role model for America's young girls.

"At least she's not Britney Spears," defiant parents said, assuredly throwing down the gauntlet.

Uh-huh.

As I responded at the time -- wait.

While you're enjoying these photos of the new and (as far as I'm concerned) improved Miley Cyrus ascending nicely into teen slutdom and proving once again that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but -- well, you know the rest -- you can console yourself with the knowledge that Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is still around to provide something for your little girls to aspire to.

Oh wait -- she flashed her barely covered crotch at her fucking 18th birthday party a few days ago?

Well, take heart parents. In a few weeks, you'll have seemingly neutered American Idol winner David Archuleta to put up on a pedestal -- that is until he's caught playing catcher to older man Clay Aiken at some Broadway cast party.

(Montana Über Alles/11.20.07)

24 comments:

Rachael said...

Any "idol" who looks like a human personification of the Brats dolls will never be allowed into my house.

I cannot be the only parent who agrees with you that Miley and Britney will never be appropriate idols.

But I am lucky.. Currently my baby girl likes Creepie (http://kids.discovery.com/fansites/creepie/characters.html)

Joshua said...

It looks like Emma Watson's vagina is in a tiny little prison.

Anonymous said...

Actually I think she is 16 or some number like that, not quite 18.....Which sounds worse actually I think...brrrr!

Girl With Curious Hair said...

It looks like you're looking at her and grinning. And it's just wrong.

Prophet of Ra said...

on 3/19/08, a new southpark episode aired, explaining how britney was only popular so she could be drained by the press until she committed suicide, it was a sacrifice for harvest.. at the end of the episode, they showed that the next sacrifice was to be miley cyrus

Marie said...

At least Emma kept her knees together!

kanye said...

Scrotti Politti
*********************************************************************************
Ah yes, the statutory leer. Todays douche comes to us straight from the world of pop superstardom and, by the look of things, he's about to pop a superstardumb. Encumbered by neither conscience nor confidence, this particular d-bag likes his hotts young and he likes 'em naïve...no doubt a clue to his full and proper title: The Itty Bitty Scrotti Politti.

And what about our poor, inexperienced hott. Notice how readily she offers up her midriff to our Leiv Schreiber wanna-be; a willing submissive to Scrotti's well-striped, Alpha-Douche status. Her eyes coo softly, “I'm ready, take me to your pokal harem and rock my casbah...but please, be gentle.” His eyes, of course, betray his true intentions: A night of getting cozy with her fun tutte and a quick tabloid payday.

It appears this scrote's about to start production on a very special episode of Hannah Mountana. Poor Miley...hasn't anyone told her that once you start down the douchebag road, there's no turning back?

Wait, am I at the right blog? :)

Aaron X said...

What's the matter with you Chez, don't you appreciate emerging sexuality? :-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FUCK CNN!!

Former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow joins CNN

Bought and paid for Mother Fuckers!

andrewducker said...

Meh - She's wearing sheer underwear, and the photo's taken close up, with a flash, deliberately up her skirt.

I'm certainly not going to blame her for that. If anything, she has my sympathy.

Lily's Mommy said...

I actually disagree with you on the Emma Watson "flash". Some asshole paparazzi has their camera pointed up her skirt. Does that really count?

Also, is your issue with Miley et al. that they're little horndogs or that they're being set up as role models? I remember being quite provocative as a teen because I wanted to try out looking older (and getting reactions), but I felt safe in my age. Which, it turns out, wasn't so safe. Ahhh, beer.

Wait, what was I talking about?

Chez said...

I don't really blame Emma, although the transparent panties were a bit much (and stop using the camera flash as an excuse).

Oh Hermione, you're just like all the rest -- teasing me with your youthful nether regions. You saucy minx -- perhaps you're finally ready for a truly magic wand.

Yeah, I suck. Whatever.

the doctor said...

Look she has a nice muff - quite honestly

If Vanessa Hudgens has the tropical rainforest version of vaginas then this is the nicely suburban manicured lawn version.

NICE

BV said...

Hey, at least it had hair.

Joshua said...

I'm with Andrew Ducker - the term "flash" has taken on a new connotation without anyone changing the common usage. Before, "flashing" was deliberate: it was an act of perversion, willingly exposing oneself to the unprepared. Now, rabid cameramen TRYING to get a celebrity to expose themselves against their will? Also "flashing." It takes the intent out of the action, and in fact willingly distorts it, like someone jumping through your window while you masturbate and shouting "Lewd act! Lewd act!"

Not that I don't think some of those were intentional, but in Emma Watson's case, she hardly looked like she was trying.

And her wearing what she was wearing was "a bit much?" By whose standards? A middle-aged man who has no connection to her whatsoever? That's the only overly prissy thing I've ever read from you.

Jesus, this makes it seem like I care about this stuff way more than I do. Though I stand by what I wrote (it's still easy for me to agree with myself).

Paul said...

Teen slutdom? Really? I hate Miley Cyrus, but the photos weren't the least bit controversial. Half of a bra strap! And a midriff! Getting pissy over an exposed stomach is so 1997. You're not elderly enough to be this much of a prude.

VOTAR said...

I still don't know why we keep seeing those remarks about Vanessa Hudgens. I recall taking a look at the time (yeah, yeah... back off man, I'm a scientist) and recognizing that it was sorta the equivalent of a man's two-day shadow. In other words, AS IT SHOULD BE here at the dawn of the 21st century, for one so young, she understands that we are no longer cavemen. Maybe she was just a little lazy that day.

Carpet and drapes? Fuck that. Everyone knows the nicest homes have polished hardwood floors.

Dear sweet Emma, as cute as she is, needs a few pointers to help her catch up. But she's British, so maybe for a culture that still refers to sex as "get in me knickers and shag my quim til ye spunk over me bum," we have to be a little more patient. But please, sweety, crack open a Cosmo magazine and get with the program. It's 2008.

S2 said...

Time indeed.

Excellent blog as always.

Tod said...

My God...what is the problem with Sluts. I LOVE sluts. I have absolutely no problem with women being sluts, as long as they are not stupid sluts and practice safe sex so as to not get pregnant (Jamie Lynn Spears), or get some kind of STD (Paris "Herpes" Hilton). Sluts with a great enjoyment of sex and pleasure, with the love of experimenting are the GREATEST thing ever. I am glad to know that Emma Watson enjoys sexy panties, and I although I am sometimes sorry there are photographers pervy enough to always be going for the crotch shot, at least she appeared to be trying to keep her legs shut, and at least she was wearing panties.

I wish there were more sluts, I would have had a lot more fun in high school and college if there were!

Rusty said...

Yeah, I don't blame Emma for that shot for the reasons above; it's pretty fucking obvious that the paps were aiming directly up her skirt which is disgusting.

As for the Miley Cyrus photos, I've seen worse out of non-famous 15 year olds. I think all teenage girls do some version of this kind of put-on sexuality, it's just that now the whole world has easy access to it. It's destructive when they're HELD to it, rather than allowed them to evolve as time goes on. This isn't to say that I agree with the Miley Cyrus "phenomena", just that this is a 15 year old girl thing, not a slut thing. Her music still sucks.

Anonymous said...

It's not Miley Cyrus. Have you lost your journalistic touch so quickly?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/22/people.mileycyrus.ap/index.html?iref=newssearch

Stephen said...

My 9 month old is already jamming to my old Dead show tapes. I'm thinking Disney and Miley are the safer alternative...

As for Hermoine, what do you expect? She's stuck in that castle, hormones raging, surrounded by gay pubescent wizards! A girl's gotta show a little something every now and then to get noticed.

Al said...

Ohh...citing CNN in a correction on the DEM blog - that just ain't right.

Chez said...

Anonymous --

You'll notice the CNN.com article asks the question, "Is it Mylie Cyrus" without actually answering it. Six different outlets called it Cyrus and honestly it's not an important enough story for me to care either way, so I'll go with it. I don't consider it some affront to my journalistic sensibilities.

By the way, CNN adds the disclaimer only because it doesn't want to get nailed should it turn out not to be Cyrus. It's to protect themselves, not her.

aauais said...

Getting back to the difference between Hudgens and Emma - reminds me of something that Chez said in high school.

Hey Claudio - why don't you shave your arms and knit yourself a cat. Perhaps Hudgens can knit a parka for each of the Chicago Bears defensive line members.