Monday, March 31, 2008

Six Degrees of Defamation


1. Jeff Foxworthy, who mysteriously raked in a fortune noting what might make you a redneck, hosts a show on the Fox network called Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

2. American Idol appears on the Fox network.

3. Uber-cute, country music wanna-be Kristy Lee Cook is a contestant on American Idol.

4. Last week, Kristy Lee Cook sang Lee Greenwood's unintentionally hilarious tribute to Jesus and America, God Bless the USA, on American Idol.

5. The chorus of God Bless the USA begins with Lee Greenwood singing, "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free," which makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.

6. God Bless the USA proves that Lee Greenwood is both a redneck and not smarter than a 5th grader, making him the perfect foil for Jeff Foxworthy.

15 comments:

Stephen said...

That there sounds like the talk of a treasonous communist al qaida- loving liberal. You sit still while I got cut me a switch off'n the nearest tree.

On an unrelated note, Larry the Cable Guy lost 50 lbs. using nutri-system.

Git-r-done

Deacon Blue said...

The chorus of God Bless the USA begins with Lee Greenwood singing, "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free," which makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.
-----------------------------
I always assumed it was "in America" and not "an American" and I was just hearing it wrong. Oh, well, gave Lee more credit than he deserved. Don't know why I would do such a thing, though, since I can count on one hand the number of country songs written in the past 20 years that I actually like.

TomR said...

You just do not know how much that song is requested out here in the Heartland, and every time I hear it I'm either trying to hold back the giggles or trying not to be mortified. Luckily, both actions makes my face scrunch up and it looks like I'm being "affected" by the song (which it does, but not in the way people think). It's becoming a country classic...

firedmysass said...

The only thing I hate more than Jägermeister? Lee Greenwood.

Deacon Blue said...

@firedmyass...

Both valid hates, of course...but if you drink a little eaven a single shot of Jägermeister, I suspect Lee Greenwood would temporarily begin to sound good. You know, if for some reason you were trapped in a bar somewhere during Greenwood Night and couldn't get out for some reason...

Sheriff Bart said...

I just went cross eyed.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Living in the south as I do I have actually seen people stand up and take off their caps when this song is played (at sporting events). Considering that I rank "God Bless The USA" with "Havin' My Baby" as One of the Most Godawful Songs of All Time, I am both amused and horrified by this. Better yet, there are people who get PISSED OFF if you don't pay "God Bless The USA" with the same respect as, you know, our actual national anthem. I need to move to Canada.

Stephen said...

I was going to make a Branson joke but Branson already made it for me...like 2 years ago.

http://www.bransoncourier.com/branson-entertainment/crystal-gayle-and-lee-greenwood-added-to-welk-537.html

goldstarrobotboy said...

I had the misfortune of being in a high school show choir in the late 80's/early 90's. As the U.S. ramped up to the first Iraq war, that was an extremely popular song to do at all the VFW halls, and as the person above me mentioned, all the vets would stand up, take off their hats, and mouth the words. I still break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Tony said...

I'm sure you wrote this entry off the cuff, perhaps with the assumption that even those among your readership who didn't find it wildly amusing would not deign to disagree. If you don't mind, though, I'd like to respond to a few of these items one by one on behalf of Mr. Foxworthy, Miss Cook, Mr. Greenwood, and anyone else in the Flyover States who might be too busy feeding you or otherwise working productively to compose a reply.

Jeff Foxworthy, who mysteriously raked in a fortune noting what might make you a redneck...

The mystery is quite easily solved: he makes people laugh, and does it in a way that isn't mean-spirited but is still somehow quite marketable. Many comedians who reside at the other end of the political spectrum "mysteriously" rake in fortunes doing the same thing, though often in a manner that requires that you put your kids to bed first.

American Idol appears on the Fox network.

This pithy observation probably reads as a scathing condemnation of American Idol for a large fraction of your readership. Of course that would also apply to 24, Family Guy, House and The Simpsons, but I'm sure they can do the logical contortions required to avoid that interpretation.

Uber-cute, country music wanna-be Kristy Lee Cook is a contestant on American Idol.

Cook signed with Arista and BMI in 2001, and was Superstar Spears' debut artist. Of course, her "über-cuteness" should disqualify her from serious consideration as an artist, and it was clever of you to point that out.

Last week, Kristy Lee Cook sang Lee Greenwood's unintentionally hilarious tribute to Jesus and America, God Bless the USA, on American Idol.

The song lyrics no more mention Jesus than they mention you, Chez. They reflect the sentiments of a Jewish patriot as strongly as those of a Christian one.

The chorus of God Bless the USA begins with Lee Greenwood singing, "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free," which makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.

Certainly lyricists tend to play with grammar. In the song you just posted The Counting Crows lament: "The smell of hospitals in winter / and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls." That sentence certainly isn't grammatically correct, but it communicates the emotion quite well.

If you're referring to the use of "where" as an implied reference to America, then you are being uncharacteristically obtuse. This construction is often seen in journalism, and is even seen in scholarly literature.

In James Baldwin's classic essay No Name in the Street, he wrote, "For a New Yorker, where the filth is piled so high that the light can never break through, Watts looks, at first, like a fine place to raise a child." I think you would agree that Baldwin was no redneck.

God Bless the USA proves that Lee Greenwood is both a redneck and not smarter than a 5th grader, making him the perfect foil for Jeff Foxworthy.

Lee Greenwood once said when asked about the song:

"I wrote 'God Bless the U.S.A.' in 1983 to bring people together. We have our differences, and that is one of the many strengths of our country. But even if we don't agree on economics or politics, I hope this song can let us sing together as Americans and perhaps our differences won't matter as much."

What a stupid redneck thing to say.

Having said all that, let me add that I will continue to defend your right to express your obvious disdain for so many of your fellow human beings, and hope that you will continue to defend their right to vocally disagree.

VOTAR said...

Thank you, Gabby Johnson!

Not only was that some authentic frontier gibberish, but it expressed a courage that is little seen in this day and age.

Anonymous said...

Chez, Your obvious disdain for patriotic, God fearing folks speaks volumes about you. I've come to the conclusion that you feel threatened by Christian folks and those with patriotic views....otherwise, you wouldn't spend so much of your time obsessing about these things. So you think Jesus is a joke? Well, good for you my man. I've no problem with it, so why do you get your knickers all in a twist over those who feel differently? Ain't you libs supposed to be tolerant?

Deacon Blue said...

@ anonymous:

In my experience, liberals and conservatives are equally intolerant...they just choose different folks about whom to feel intolerant. And from my experience, both are equally unlikely to volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Go figure.

Lord Humungous said...

Pork Roast with Pineapple Chutney

1 3-pound pork loin center rib roast, backbone loosened
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 20-ounce can crushed pineapple (juice pack)
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 tablespoons raisins
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons vinegar
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper (optional)

1. Trim separable fat from the roast; then rub meat with the pepper. Place roast, rib side down, in a shallow roasting pan. Insert a meat thermometer.

2. Roast, uncovered, in a 325 degree F. oven for 1-1/2 to 2 hours or until meat thermometer* registers 155 degrees F. Let stand 15 minutes before carving.

3. Meanwhile, for the chutney, in a medium saucepan combine undrained pineapple, onion, raisins, brown sugar, vinegar, ginger, cinnamon, and crushed red pepper, if desired. Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, uncovered, about 30 minutes or until liquid is syrupy. Serve warm with roast. Makes 8 servings.


*Note: To use a meat thermometer correctly, insert it into the center of the largest muscle or the thickest portion of the meat.

Anonymous said...

oh my god people. LIGHTEN UP! I don't even know Chez and I know he's joking.

what made you so damn sensitive??