Tuesday, March 25, 2008

And Now, the Last Word on the Whole Sarah Jessica Parker Thing, from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth


Look, enough already, okay?

Most men think Sarah Jessica Parker is fucking ugly -- the sooner we admit this, the sooner our long national nightmare will be over.

The readers of Maxim said as much, and although most of them are blithering idiots, debating them on it -- claiming that they're wrong either for voicing this kind of opinion or for having it in the first place -- is just goddamned ridiculous. They're entitled to think whatever the hell they want and to shout it from the rooftops. This is America, after all.

Once again though, if you can't see that the average heterosexual man isn't the least bit turned on by Parker's Witchy-Poo mug, you're either blind or in denial. Seriously, go up to any guy on the street and ask him what he thinks of Parker -- there's a 90% chance he's first gonna roll his eyes because his wife, girlfriend, or booty-call just loves fucking Sex and the City and spends every Saturday night out with her borderline-retarded friends debating which character from the show she is -- then he's gonna choke back a little vomit at the thought of anyone having to look at Parker's face during sex. (So that was rude, what do you want -- I'm evil.)

But here's the thing to keep in mind: It shouldn't surprise anyone -- least of all Parker herself -- that she doesn't do it for most guys.

The character that made her famous -- the very show she was chosen to star in -- wasn't written by guys.

Sex and the City is basically the kind of fantasy that only a conference table full of women and gay men (and that metrosexual douchebag Greg Behrendt) could've dreamed up. They're the only ones who could honestly believe that straight men living in New York City would fall all over themselves to be with a woman who looks and acts like Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw. Only a woman or a gay man would legitimately think straight men give a shit how many pairs of repulsive Jimmy Choo shoes or how many dresses that look like pink, couture garbage bags a woman has in her closet. It's like a person who's been blind since birth trying to paint a sunset, then mass market it.

Parker's entire image is the neo-feminine ideal of what a man should be attracted to. Her character was never really meant to appeal to men, which is completely cool until Parker starts bitching up a storm about how she doesn't, in fact, appeal to men (and no, Ferris Bueller doesn't count -- obviously). The women who created Parker's character and the show she inhabits -- including Parker herself -- now react with comically righteous indignation because life doesn't imitate "art" and real straight men don't give a rat's ass about Sarah Jessica Parker the way poorly-written straight characters on Sex and the City do about Carrie fucking Bradshaw.

So, no folks -- Parker's not very attractive and, as anyone not delusional would've been able to see coming, by complaining about her "poor treatment" at the hands of Maxim, she opened herself up to a shitload of fresh ridicule from all directions.

Including this one.

To close, and along those lines, I think I'll borrow a phrase from an idol of mine -- a certain oil man by the name of Plainview:

"If you have a horse face, and I have a blog -- and my blog reaches across the world, and starts to mock your horse face...

I. MOCK. YOUR. HORSE FACE.

NAYEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

I MOCK IT UP!
"


Oh yeah, and by the way -- if you honestly think that a dislike of Sarah Jessica Parker and a willingness to get into these kinds of things automatically makes someone anti-women or anti-feminism, you're probably a fucking idiot.

(As usual, the opinions of Garth do not necessarily reflect those of Chez, who may not find Sarah Jessica Parker very attractive, but who does, in fact, like milkshakes.)

32 comments:

little girl with a big attitude said...

I am a woman who has never, never, NEVER watched one friggin' second of Sex is so Shitty, nor will I ever. I cannot stand the whole idea of that farkin' ridiculous show and the insane caricatures of women it portrays. I detest them all. I have not liked SJP since she was in Footloose, or Kimmy C since she was Lassie. The other 2 don't even merit mention. There, now you have my Tuesday venom.

Anonymous said...

ok, I have tears in my eyes from laughing at this. my coworkers think i'm insane.

Jayne said...

you all think this is funny- I had to sit and listen to Chez talk like Daniel Plainview all night last night.

BV said...

A muck! A muck! A muck!

She played a great witch in Hocus Pocus. Seriously, you could mold a better nose out of clay.

Nathan said...

Jayne,

You have my sympathy. But on the other hand, I'm not going to go so far as saying you shouldn't have to suffer a little if I'm going to be this entertained by the result.

Thanks for taking one for the team.

Brian H said...

Did a Google Image Search, thinking surely there's an attractive picture of her. Nope. There's one that's borderline, but her all done up with makeup is still no better than Alyson Hannigan with a hangover and morning breath (which I haven't seen, sadly).

Also:
http://www.tvguide.com/images/pgimg/matthew_broderick08.jpg

Rick MacPherson said...

Once again though, if you can't see that the average heterosexual man isn't the least bit turned on by Parker's Witchy-Poo mug, you're either blind or in denial.

don't limit the common sense awareness to you breeders... there's a sizable number of us gays that haven't drunk the kool-aid on sjp...

we just love satc since it's filled to the brim with shiny things, couture, and the occasional hot guy... plus, i suspect we wrote a lot of the best lines...

ps, garth is kinda hot... he doing anything tonite?

dick_gozinia said...

Chez...repeat after me:

"I've abandoned my child!!!"

Anyway, as a husband, I've sat through many SITC episodes and there's always one thing that drives me crazy about that show. Why would anyone date a woman that writes a column about that openly discusses her current and former love life? Does that sound appealing to any man?

The relationship challenges of anyone trying to date her would be insurmountable. You're trying to date her and she's writing about you in the fucking NY Times weekly. Screw that. So how is she portrayed as desirable by anyone?

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, are you really saying there was any discussion about the fact that she IS ugly? Who would discuss that??

It's pretty false to assume every man would be of the same opinion -- she got married to someone born with a schlong, so there we go -- and you always have to think of those low-class dudes who'll think she's beautiful just because she's on TV, period. She walks by a construction site where I live (not in the US), you'll see guys fallin from the eighth just to avidly eyeball her...

That being sad, for anyone who has any sort of aesthetic notion, that is one disgustingly-looking female human, that's all there is to it. And if this whole post is just about her public comeback at Maxim, then I'm sorry, it was useless. The "official" word on the subject would of course be that, and only that. I take a shit, I cover it with sugar and I go out claiming it's not shit; well, it still is, regardless of my protests.

tony said...

How about this one?

http://freewallpaperz.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/sarah-jessica-parker.jpg

Anonymous said...

I think SJP is HOT, and not just because she looks just like me. I may be a 50 year old man, but still hot - it's an angular face thing - some angles not so bad, some scary, some fairly hot... OK maybe not so much on the hot.

Trixi said...

Okay, not pretty, I get it.

The real question for me? Why does Chez's evil twin look like David Hasselhoff? :shudder:

Prophet of Ra said...

milkshakes rule

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

Yes, she's a funny-looking woman, but in my experience some of the ugliest women have been some of the sluttiest and most demanding with guys. So I bought her character on Sex and The City. She only really had 3 big relationships on that show, despite the fact that it went on for many years and she did a lot of clubbing and drinking...everyone knows about beer goggles. The one who could really draw men was Samantha.

Deacon Blue said...

Trixi...you thought that guy looked a lot like Hasselhoff, too...I was gonna say something, but was afraid someone would whip out a "That's [insert name here] you moron. What shithole burg do you live in?" So, Chez, fess up, is that Hasselhoff with some crazy facial hair and fresh out of the tanning booth?

Anonymous said...

Garth knows the 411, the portrayal of those characters is the kind of shit that sets women back decades, culturally, as something to aspire to.

If you are going to feed women bullshit, don't intentionally create a ocean of average looking catty, shallow women with expectations of fucking someone like the guy from the early "Law and Order". That places a tremendous burden on the thinking men of this earth, filtering these shitheads out. I will ask if women like this show upon initiating the mating ritual. If the answer comes up "yes", I quickly move on. So, in the sense that it has become an effective filtering mechanism, I'm glad. But it's overall effect on the thoughts and expectations of women has been detrimental, in my opinion.

Again, I say once for yes, two for no, Sarah

Larry in FL

miss finn said...

I'm not a big fan of SJP or her show but this "let's all call her butt ugly" kind of pisses me off. What a shitty thing for Maxim magazine to do to publish a list of the ugliest women (not that I expect great literature from the said paper...). What about the ugliest men? There really are way more uglier men working in the film industry but no ones calling them out like this. Aren't there a lot of male actors who aren't that good looking but still have the charisma and talent which makes them gorgeus (for example Gary Oldman, John Malkovich, check out James Nesbitt who ones was voted Britain's sexiest man and his unibrow...). So doesn't this charisma thing work both ways? Can't women who aren't perfect be beautiful?
Oh, and SJP actually dated Robert Downey Jr and John F Kennedy Jr for quite some time so somebody must find her attractive...

Logan5 said...

Trixi and Deacon Blue, Let me get this one... On Knight Rider, Michael Knight's "evil twin" was a guy named Garth. He was nothing more than Hasselhoff with a goatee. Hence, the refrerence and picture.

Deacon Blue said...

logan5...

(blink blink)

Wow, I thought I had watched that show from stem to stern when I was a kid. Clearly, I must have bailed on the series at some point or missed some episodes, because as cheesy as it was, I just don't recall something as cheesy as an evil twin.

I do, however, remember every episodes of The A-Team. Of course, every plot was exactly the same, so that's not saying much.

Stephen said...

Don't Hassle the 'Hoff

winged unicorn said...

i have never seen sex and the city. in fact, i don't own a TV. but what inspired me to write:
YOU USED MY PHRASE.
YOU SAID RAT'S ASS!!!!!!!!!!!
now you're quoting me and my dad's generation?
YOU ARE EVIL, GARTH.
YOU ARE A REAL RAT FUCK!
so there.
leche moi. oui. leche moi.

Alice said...

I, for one, am happy to report that the phrase "I. MOCK. YOUR. HORSEFACE!" has been added to my lexicon of absurdities.

Bless you, Garth...
bless.
you.

Anonymous said...

I've been a reader of your blog; at first a rather avid one. But then slowly but surely your posts became a wee bit on the smug side and began to be off-putting. The mention of SJP in your bio, just to slag her, was strike one. Then again, another post, and now this one too? I'm no SJP fan either, but wtf, there is only so much control over the looks you were born with. She didn't get a nose job, etc, bucking the societal conventions, so, good on her. If you want to attack her for being a silly bitch, than fine, but to make fun of her for being ugly? It's just tacky.

Jeff said...

I normally really like your blog and I get it's sense of humor; I look forward to reading your smart, funny and irreverent thoughts on what ever strikes your fancy and will most definitely buy your book. That being said I think this entire SJP thing has been kinda tacky and brought you down to the same asshole level as Maxim. The thing that makes this blog different from all the other bitchy blogs that insist on offering their opinion on absolutely everything is that you do it with some intelligence and purpose. Don't lose that

Chez said...

I've officially jumped the shark. I'll soon be bringing Ted McGinley on as a guest contributor and introducing an adorable, mop-topped kid to the family.

Boo said...

Yeah, geez CHEZ MIDDLE NAME PAZIENZA. How dare you point out that the whole issue is her reaction to this crap. And how dare you point out the obvious: that she is not attractive. HOW. DARE. YOU.

And on your OWN BLOG, too.

Your father and I are very disappointed. No gnocchi for you!

slouchmonkey said...

It has finally hit me. A disgusting sound eminating from a cell phone outside my office 5 times a day is the god awful theme song ring tone of that friggin show!

I've changed my name to Bluto and am smashing things that sound awful! Literally, it just went off! And I'm about to.

Anonymous said...

Yeah "boo", HOW DARE HIM, indeed. God forbid, an ugly girl become rich, successful, and most horrific of all,
ambitious. She should just stay home with a bag over her head, I guess. I'll spare you the obvious conclusions of how a large contingent of men inexplicably seem to hate her because she is those things without being a babe too. Threatened by her being the idea of a female not giving a fuck about being attractive towards you, maybe? Nice tats, btw. I'm sure those'll look tre fetching on your sagging wrinkled skin when youre 80.

Chez said...

Hilarious, Anonymous. Thanks for giving me the biggest laugh of the day by completely misinterpreting Boo's sarcasm.

Now please, please -- do yourself a favor and go read something else.

Oh yeah, and have a nice day. : )

Boo said...

HA!! Ha ha ha!!

Nice.

They always have to make a comment about the ink. So typical. If only they knew me; then they could make fun of something based on more than a tiny picture on the internet. I have so many glorious faults; why waste the wrath on some skin art?

Hee.

Anonymous said...

Do myself a favor and go read something else? Because I have a dissenting opinion? Nice. I'll do that, Chez. And please, please trust me: it's not something I'll cry about on long winter nights. You have yourself a nice day as well. ;)

doctor robert ibach said...

I totally dig milkshakes.