Monday, February 11, 2008

A Message to Oprah

Good day Oprah, we are Acrimonious.

Over the years, we have been watching you. We have had no choice really, as you are fucking everywhere.

Your stranglehold on every form of media; your unjustified influence over our culture; your arrogance in believing that your very existence makes the world a better place; your army of brain-dead soccer moms, always ready and willing to catapult whatever banal crap their leader deems important to the level of inescapable zeitgeist; your assimilation of any and all authentically vital art so that it can be vomited back out with a fresh new label of squeaky-clean, Oprah-approved insipidity; your solipsism disguised as altruism, all of these things have caught our eye.

With the news of your latest painfully pretentious endeavour -- the opening of "The Oprah Store" in Chicago, a consumerist mecca dedicated solely to your personal passions, whims, various gurus, etc. -- the extent of your dominance has become incontestable.

We can no longer ignore the truth.

Acrimonious has therefore determined that you and your organization should be destroyed.

For the good of our civilization, for the good of mankind, and just for the hell of it, we shall expel you from your position at the pinnacle of the popular mindset and systematically dismantle Harpo Productions in its present form. We acknowledge that you are a powerful adversary and that the cult you have created has been allowed to infect all facets of public life, but we are prepared for a long campaign against your cultural tyranny. You will not prevail forever against the angry, disenfranchised masses of the body politic -- as well as those still in possession of a modicum of taste -- if for no other reason than the fact that you'll have to stop to eat every 20 minutes or so.

Make no mistake, your methods, hypocrisy, and the artlessness of your organization have sounded its death knell.

You cannot hide.

We are everywhere -- and you are fat.

We can move faster than you, provided no one is dangling a Twinkie on a string in front of you.

To the members of the media who have allowed themselves to fall under Oprah's hypnotic spell, to be manipulated and corrupted by her omnipresent influence, we wish to make clear who we are.

We are not simply a group of super-hackers.

Acrimonious is a collective of individuals united by an awareness that someone must take a stand, bring light to the darkness, and open the eyes of a public that has slumbered for far too long.

Acrimonious is tired of Oprah's bullshit.

We can see what most people apparently cannot. We understand the threat posed by Oprah.

As such, we have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass, and we're all out of bubble-gum.

We want you to become aware.

We want you to know about Jonathan Franzen.

We want you to know about James Frey.

We want you to know about Oprah's "special friend" Gayle.

We want you to know about the abuses at Oprah's self-serving South African school for girls.

We want you to know about Oprah's reckless use of her forum to attack those with whom she disagrees, such as the beef industry.

We want to know why Oprah's face appears on the cover of every goddamned issue of Oprah's magazine.

We want you to know about Oprah's consistent association with bat-shit lunatic Tom Cruise.

We want you to know about Jenny Craig.

We want you to know about Oprah's plan to become Vice President and install Rachael Ray as Secretary of State.

We want to know where Beowulf is when we need him.

The information is out there. It is yours for the taking. Arm yourself with knowledge.

Our time has come.

We are Acrimonious.

We do not forgive.

We do not forget.

No, we won't read The fucking Secret!

Expect us -- bitch.


Anonymous said...

As I was being bombarded with ads for her latest exploit into "reality TV with heart," I wondered to myself when this post was coming...

But I'm not too proud to admit I watched the DVD version of the Secret.

Paul said...

"We are everywhere -- and you are fat"...everyone in my office just looked at me weirdly for laughing so loud.

BV said...

We want you to know about Jenny Craig.

Now THAT is funny.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Her new reality based philanthropic endeavor to get people to help other people is total crap. The idea of people helping other people is nice. I am a fundraiser for a nonprofit and understand and know that as Americans we "do philanthropy" better than anyone in the world.

But, I think that nonprofits should decide where philanthropic dollars are best spent. They know the communities and constituencies that they serve better than anyone. They know how to help people help themselves; not just give them handouts.

I foresee this reality crap show as another Extreme Makeover. One family gets an assload of crap worth millions of dollars that could have gone to help countless families instead of just one.

It's marketing as its most disgusting.

Vermillion said...

I nearly cried when I found out my beloved Discovery Channel partnered with her on ANOTHER TV network.

Still, if only for my own plans for world domination, can't think of a better teacher.

Manny said...

"...we have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass, and we're all out of bubble-gum."

I just fell in love with you all over again because of THAT.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my special sunglasses.

kelley said...

you had me at 'acrimonious'...

Al said...

A friend that I used to consider world-wise and cynical started spouting off crap about the Secret to me a few weeks ago.

*shakes head sadly*

Kyddryn said...

Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you for saying these things. I loathe Madam O entirely, and have since I first clapped horrified eyes on her in...never mind when. She is the embodiment of smug, sanctimonious bullshite. I don't watch her show, I don't read her magazines or the books in her little club, and I don't order the fat and sugar laden crap she pimps (I meant to use that word)on a regular basis. If it has her name on it, I want nothing to do with it. It's nice to think my antipathy isn't alone.

Shade and Sweetwater,

Angela Lucier said...

It's funny that you post this today. Some woman came into the store where I work and says:

"Do you guys have The Pen?"

Me: Excuse me? What pen? We sell lots of pens, we're an office supply store.

"You know, THE PEN. The one Oprah recommended?"

Me: .......

"COME ON. The one with the post-it notes IN THE PEN. OPRAH LOVES IT!"

Me: Is this a joke? Post-it notes are over there, lady.

Anonymous said...

Can't stop laughing after the "You are fat" comment. Everything after that everything was a laughable haze. Great Stuff, where do I sign up? I never could stand her myself. There's just something creepy about her, not the Scientology creepy that Tom Cruise have. It's like an underlining hypocrisy that's buried under something so wrong.

Anonymous said...

Oooh, you're toast now, Buckaroo! It's been nice reading your blogs...

Anonymous said...

I got my torch and pitchfork.

Where do I sign up?

Anonymous said...

While I also think Oprah can be out of control, I find it interesting that out of all the other egomanical freaks out there in the media, she's the one that gets all your wrath.

What about Donald Trump? Or Simon Cowell? There are plenty out there...and since you have enough venom to last several lifetimes, I suggest you swing some around equally.

You'll defend to the death any racist asshole with a microphone when s/he makes a senseless remmark, but you'll bbq Oprah because she's full of herself. So what?

Here's my question to you, supposedly-Mr-Speaker-of-Truth...let's say your book has come out, the sales are mediocre because your publisher isn't getting the word out like they should, and Oprah calls you personally to say how much she loves your book and wants you on the show (she obviously didn't read your blog)'re telling me you wouldn't do it?

My guess is that you would...especially since New York rents aren't getting any cheaper anytime soon.

The point is, anyone at the levels of success she is at is usually pretty self-obsessed. So what.

And by the way, buddy, at least she is giving her money to those who need it - even if it is for publicity at times. Do you offer anything to the world besides your consternation and ridicule?

Anyone can be an overly critical asshole - and while it makes for some funny copy and amusing cocktail hour humor, in the end, it's optimistic action that changes things for the better. Not the pricks in the corner scoffing at the same scene they'd really love to be part of...



slouchmonkey said...

Ah, man you're screwed! What happens when Oprah reads your book and decides it brilliant and wants to plug it on her show, ensuring that you'd be able to get out of the news business for good, how are you going to explain yourself?

A mountain of cash awaits you my friend. "Are you going to buy one or be one?"

What do you do?

Chez said...

Kevin --


Who the hell says that?

Thanks for reading there big guy.

: )

doctor robert ibach said...

If Oprah were to actually invite you to be on her show, you should definitely do it. Those of us who know you or at least read your blog will know the real reason behind your hour-long nationally televised shit eating grin.

kanye said...

You should put this up over at The Huffington Post, Chez. :)

Anonymous said...

god, i love you. only problem, reading this in bed, the person i'm with thinks i'm laughing at him!!!!
ya know what...
tough on him!
you're a factotum in our lives.
stud service is commentary.
anonymous, guess why?

Anonymous said...

BTW, Oprah is partial to an 8 pack of hot dog buns covered with maple syrup, although twinkies may be more convenient.

Louis ?Vuitton Don said...

Chez hates black people ;)

achilles3 said...

watching her pretend to listen to the "people" she "interviews" makes me wanna shove the secret up my own ass...and CNN can kiss my secret.
Get them a subscription to O...O shit we are big time fux!

rock on bro and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Oprah is such an easy target.

What else you got?

Anonymous said...

That was magnificent. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Oprah may be some of those things, but she has done many things to make this world a better place. She inspires others to do better and gives to those that society would otherwise forget.

Can you say the same about yourself?

Anonymous said...

Preach on brother, she is a hack and it is hight time people realize it.

DHK said...

HK Mencken: Nobody ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.

Just another example. . .

Anonymous said...

Oh shit this is what got you fired isn't it?

Nobody fucks with Oprah or Obama, they are a cult and should be destroyed!

foolery said...

Oprah who?

Yeah, I used it already, but it works.

jimbo60640 said...

So, YOU don't like fat black women who do something positive for this country of ours, eh?

This is America, ain't it? That's what made this country great! Where a guy can speak his piece and have his say and stand up on his own hind legs and punch anybody right in the forehead that says otherwise. That's what made this country great, by God, and no namby-pamby, pinko, commie-loving Canadians can say otherwise (you know who you are)!

Yes, that's what made this country great, alright. That, and love of the open road, big honkin' shopping malls, and the basic right to thumb our noses at stuff. Remember, this is the country that gave the world Hoot Gibson, FEMA, and banjo music. Why, we've put men on the Moon, fer crysakes. And that ain't all, not by a long shot, but 'nuff said.

So, where's your book club, Mr. Smartypants?

Amy said...

a-fucking-men! I am so pleased to know I am not the only one who hasn't knocked back the Kool-Aid (or is it the O-Aid?).

Chez said...

Wow -- man that was entertaining Jimbo.

Thanks. : )

rlr260 said...

Thanks for the rant. Where do I sign up?

PrettyVegas said...

Oh and by the way ... Oprah, is a Scienctologist! A closet Scienctologist!

Tempe said...

Wow.. let no good deed go unpunished! I'm not a huge Oprah fan, but she seems like a nice enough woman.

Goes to show you, no matter how nice you try to be or how helpful or how much of your hard-earned money you give to worth causes, there will always be some mean-spirited, jealous mo-f*cker lurking.

That was just appalling. What the hell did she do to you? I came over here to read this blog on the recommendation of a friend. How sorry am I?

Chez said...

You'll be missed.

Anonymous said...

What a sadly mean-spirited commentary. Reading this piece and accompanying posts left me wanting to get in a shower to scrub clean. The image is the archetypal, taunting schoolyard bully who performs for a cheering mob by making fun of the fat kids, eggheads and handicapped. Nothing to admire here.

Anonymous said...

Man, what a dick.

Can't imagine why anyone would want to fire you.

Btw, real men have facial hair.

. said...

little scaredy cat said:

"Man, what a dick.

Can't imagine why anyone would want to fire you.

Btw, real men have facial hair."

grow up, hippie.

does anyone else see the irony in the Oprah Winfrey Network?


Anonymous said...

I went on line today to see if anyone out there feels the way I do about O. WOW Im not alone.
I have been on the fence about her for awhile but when she choose Obama to back I jumped off the fence . I am so tired of people thinking that when a celebrity backs a running mate that we should stop and listen to what they have to say. What makes them that important and I am tired of it being thrown in our faces. Lets all grow up and stop making these celebrities opinions have so much importance to them, cant the average person think on their own