Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Modest Proposal (2008)

This is an update of a column I posted last year. Unfortunately, almost nothing has changed since its initial appearance on this site, so it's been adjusted slightly and re-posted. Lazy? You bet. But it's a Sunday.

How do I put this gently?

Apparently, for reasons which remain an absolute mystery to me, the American news media refuse to simply ignore lunatic shitbag Ann Coulter; quite the contrary in fact -- they continue to enable her daffy antics by granting her run of the airwaves everytime she spouts another one of her ridiculously contrived, "incendiary" remarks. ("Bill Clinton rapes children," "Downs syndrome is part of the liberal-Jew conspiracy," "Minorities should be used as food," etc.)

This, despite the fact that it's usually right around the fifth grade that most people realize the schoolyard bully's batteries are recharged only by healthy doses of attention, and that if you deprive him of any kind of consideration whatsoever -- or better yet, laugh at him outright -- you neuter him in short order, making life better for everyone.

But the silly Coulter stand-up act is allowed to continue, sans hook, and we all suffer accordingly.

I won't bother going into too much detail about Angry Annie's most recent display of entirely unimaginative invective; you've probably heard by now that earlier in the week, at the Conservative Political Action Conference, she belittled the years John McCain spent as a POW in Vietnam, then went on to compare Hillary Clinton to Stalin and McCain to Hitler. This kind of laughable crap is just par-for-the-course by now among the shock-junkies of the fringe conservative movement -- Coulter, Limbaugh, Gibson and the rest of the right's answer to Marilyn Manson -- but their acrid, over-the-top lingo has now bled into the mainstream, infecting the supposedly dignified discourse many Americans count on to be conscientious and without bias. Case in point: MSNBC's David Shuster using the ill-advised term "pimped out" to describe how once-and-possibly-future-first daughter Chelsea Clinton's role in her mother's campaign should ostensibly make her feel. (For the record by the way, although Shuster's lack of even a specimen cupful of good judgment certainly deserves reprimand of some sort, the fact that it's being self-righteously administered by NBC News President Steve Capus -- a man who turned ethical somersaults on national television last year to justify his network's shameful decision to air the manifesto of V-Tech gunman Seung-Hui Cho -- is worthy of all sorts of mockery.)

This is what dialogue in the early years of the 21st century has been reduced to, and a woman who has no political credentials to speak of -- other than being loud and shrill enough to ensure that her voice is consistently heard -- would appear to bear a good portion of the blame.

So, since no one seems to know what to do to make this monster disappear once and for all, I'm forced to suggest an extreme course of action -- one in line with Annie's own philosophy:

Kill her.

No, I'm serious.

She's suggested the assassination of political leaders with whom she doesn't see eye-to-eye, so really, what's wrong with someone else advocating her death?

I mean, look, I may as well admit right now to something that many might consider an obscene character flaw: I don't believe that all life is precious. Quite the opposite in fact -- there are just some people without whom the world would be an infinitely better place.

You can't tell me that Ann Coulter isn't one of them.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not "taking out a hit" on Annie per se; I have nothing to offer financially or otherwise as payment for "assisting" her in shuffling off her immoral coil to go hang out with Jerry Falwell in oblivion.

I'm just saying that we'd all be better off without her -- and the easier means of making her go away seem to elude the hell out of everyone.

So, kill her.

Do the mafia execution-style thing.

Push her out out a sixth-floor window.

Take a two-by-four to her.

Dump a grocery bagful of brown recluse spiders into the air vents of her apartment.

You know, whatever.

Or there's this: Someone in the mainstream media could simply wise up and decide to stop paying attention to her, which I guarantee to a spotlight-whore like Ann Coulter would be a fate far worse than death.


Doesn't play well with others said...

I long for the day when the media stops giving Ann "Look at me! Look at me!" Coulter air time. She'll finally be reduced to what she was meant to be all along - a neurotic middle aged woman spouting her nonsensical ideas to the neighborhood watch in the church basement on Wednesday night, right before they break out the potluck dinner.

Anonymous said...

Nice. Way to keep the Sabbath holy. //chris

Milo Johnson said...

Thanks, dude. I just "happied" in my pants and now I have to go change.

Brendan said...

Since ignoring her is obviously out of the question -- like yours, my first suggestion -- the one thing I use to comfort myself is this thought: Every time she speaks, there's a chance another fence sitter identifies the Republican Party with her.

Could be a rationalization, but I'd like to, you know, believe in hope.

BTW, I came across your blog after hearing about your firing. Sorry to hear about that. Good luck in whatever comes next. You have gained a new fan for your writing, for whatever that's worth.

foolery said...

Ann who?

(Proudly and happily ignoring Ann Who for 42 years and counting)

Fortunalee said...

What, and have to listen to Nancy Grace drone on indignantly about the murder for the next year and a half? No thanks!

Rather, keep trying to find the sacred cow that even Coulter cannot violate, and kill her career, instead.