Thursday, January 24, 2008

Who Ya Gonna Call?



(Fade up from black to slow dissolves of various pix of Heath Ledger, opening strains of Coldplay's "Fix You" can be heard. Dissolve to shot of makeshift memorial outside Ledger's SoHo apartment. Mary-Kate Olsen walks into the frame.)

Hi, I'm Mary-Kate Olsen. You may remember me from New York Minute, Full House, those late-night masturbation sessions you tell yourself never happened, or maybe a couple of Anorexics Anonymous meetings in that grubby little church at the corner of Fairfax and Fountain, if that was, you know, your thing.

My point is, you probably wouldn't think of me and my sister Ashley as the kind of girls you'd turn to in a crisis.

But boy would you be wrong!

By now you've probably heard that I got the first phone call from Heath Ledger's massage therapist when she found him dead the other day. That's right -- she didn't call 911, she called me, Mary-Kate Olsen. You're probably asking yourself why, right? Well, it's because she knew something most of America didn't -- and hasn't until now. It's a secret that the most important people in the world have always known, and it can finally be revealed.

I'm talking about the Olsen Twins Emergency Hotline.

Just one call and the full power of the Olsen Twins swings into action, ready to help you get through even the toughest, most publicly embarrassing personal crisis. Ever asked yourself how Paris Hilton, Halle Berry or Brandy can crash a car and leave a person near-death, but still vanish from the accident scene like nothing happened? How Nicole Richie can pop Vicodin and drive the wrong way down the freeway and yet not lose that valuable photo shoot in People? What the hell R. Kelly's doing walking around free instead of doing 10 to 20?

That's right -- the Olsen Twins Emergency Hotline.

Me and my sister Ashley are here to help you when you need it most, and we're proud to continue a tradition that's been passed down for centuries -- dating all the way back to the time of Christ. It was Salomé who founded the first service of this kind, using what would have otherwise been a pretty useless talent for pole dancing to get the head of John the Baptist -- the first contract murder by the way -- and actually change the course of history!

Cool, huh?

Since those early days, strong, sexy women from Mata Hari to Mamie Van Doren have carried the torch and undertaken the awesome responsibility of solving the world's problems when no one else could.

Oh yeah, you didn't think it was just Tom Hanks calling us at four in the morning from the Hollywood Hills after he'd just killed and eaten a hooker, did you? The Olsen Twins Emergency Hotline has been the secret weapon of world leaders for more than a decade.

Why do you think Bill Clinton wasn't actually thrown out of office? Uh, us. O.J. acquitted of murder? Are you kidding? We're guilty as charged on that one. The entire presidency of George W. Bush, from the 2000 election to 9/11 to now? You're welcome. The Pats undefeated season? You betcha.

FEMA's response to Katrina?

Guess that'll teach Mike Brown for not calling the professionals.

I mean come on, you really didn't believe me and my sister got so rich off a crappy little sitcom, did you?

The bottom line here is that the emergency service that's been available to the world's elite is now being made available to you. Given that the cat's out of the bag after the whole Ledger thing, Ashley and I figure we may as well pad out the account in the Caymans, so if you've got a problem and no one else can help, maybe you can hire the O-team.

Just call 1-800-THE-WOLF.

That's 1-800-THE-WOLF.

The Olsen Twins Emergency Hotline -- because knowing where all the bodies are buried means you know where there's room to bury more.

(Phone rings. Mary-Kate picks it up.)


Oh, hi Britney -- yes, we've been waiting for your call.

(Coldplay music swells. Fade to black)



Christine said...

Y'know, there's something about the idea of the First Lady conspiring with the Olsen twins that almost makes sense. I mean, you just KNOW ole George wasn't actually in on the deal... he would've still had that same shit-eatin grin on his face, except he wouldn't have been able to keep from looking smug if he knew. But women, we're evil, and I can totally see Laura and her own twins taking care of business and making sure that the recount ended up in their favor.

It's all starting to come together.

Calitri said...

The Wolf: Jimmie, lead the way. Boys, get to work.
Vincent: A please would be nice.
The Wolf: Come again?
Vincent: I said a please would be nice.
The Wolf: Get it straight buster - I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do and if self-preservation is an instinct you possess you'd better fucking do it and do it quick! I'm here to help - if my help's not appreciated then lotsa luck, gentlemen.
Jules: No, Mr. Wolf, it ain't like that...
Vincent: I don't mean any disrespect, I just don't like people barking orders at me.
The Wolf: If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please... with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car!

That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.

Suzy said...

i love you. : )

see you next week!

Paul said...

Guess you can turn to them for anything, eith the exception of feeding starving children in Africa. They might have trouble with that since they have no idea what food looks like.

kalei said...

kinda surprised you didnt go the route of the rolled up $20 and no illegal drugs being found.

Wendy said...

Calling the O-team? Genius. Thanks, Chez.

Jax said...

This would be a good time to revisit MK and Ash apt hunt in NYC:

Suzy said...

come to think of it now... i bet the masseuse wasn't calling mary kate to ask her what to do. she was calling her so she could tell chuchito not to come by at 3:00.

Izzy said...

Chez, I don't always agree with all your posts (and yes---I don't have to, it's not a democracy around here, yes, yes, etc.), but...I think I love you even more after this.

Damn, you're an excellent writer. Forget your job and write for "Grey's Anatomy." Kill Meredith. Hilariously.

foolery said...

That has to be the longest :30 in the history of television. Or is M-K a chipmunk?

Very funny -- thanks, Chez. And congratulations on the new gig!

-- Laurie

Chez said...

Hey, I said I was a producer. I never said I was a good producer.

Alice said...

See? This is why I adore you so!

Never a dull moment, Chez-

"1-800-The Wolf."
(shit, negro, that's all you had to say!!)

I almost made bit of coffee/toast art on my monitor...

Make sure when you finally DO publish that you have a signing in Chicago, mmmkay?