Monday, January 28, 2008

Sweet Dreams

I realize I'm a little late to the party on this one, but it's not as if I get some kind of Bat-signal every time one of America's TV news talking-heads makes a colossal ass out of him or herself. I'd never get anything done.

Earlier this month, CNBC's Erin Burnett -- who's been dubbed, in thoroughly professional fashion, the "Street Sweetie" -- penned a column for Men's Health magazine, supposedly detailing the eight ways in which a potential suitor might impress her and, one would imagine, melt her cold, cold heart.

Unfortunately, though not unexpectedly, it reads like The Narcissistic Bitch's Guide to Gold-Digging.

I admit that Erin Burnett is positively gorgeous -- an opinion confirmed in the tawdriest of manners by Chris Matthews's inability to talk to her on-air without little hearts dancing over his head -- and if her almost impossibly over-the-top list of turn-ons is some kind of Kaufmanesque joke, she's also the coolest woman on Earth. But it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she's completely serious when she insinuates that the simple gestures she longs for all involve the use of an American Express Black Card.

Well, never one to deny the desires of a beautiful woman, I want to not only take the lovely Miss Burnett up on her challenge -- I'd like to offer my own list of the eight things she might do, in turn, to win my little-boy heart.

I've already taken the liberty of mailing my entire wallet as well as the contents of my 401k and a couple of hits of ecstasy I found buried in my medicine cabinet to Erin's Park Avenue address.

As for my requests -- they are, needless to say, made in spirit of Erin's own list.

Ladies first:

(Men's Health: Erin Burnett's "8 Ways to Impress Me")

Now, mine:

1. Life's a Beach I'm a big fan of long walks on the beach, my feet sinking into the sand as cool waves swirl around my heels. If Erin would buy me Hawaii, that'd be awesome.

2. Pleased to Meet Them Music is one of my passions. I'd truly appreciated it if Erin would get the Replacements back together, including bringing Bob Stinson back from the dead, and pay them to play in my living room -- nightly.

3. The Better to See You With I can't imagine a more wonderful evening than one that involves Erin and myself curled up on the couch, her rubbing my feet and my tired XBOX hand, watching her on television. This is why Erin should buy me a 70" plasma-screen HDTV.

4. Forever in Her Debt Since I plan to shower Erin with gifts of all shapes and sizes, buying her anything her heart desires, I can only ask that she pay off all my credit card bills and give me her own cards to use -- you know, just in case of emergency.

5. Please My Palate Too Like my scrumptious CNBC goddess, I'm a big fan of great food. It's for this reason that I'd like Erin to kill Rachael Ray and bring me her heart. Then go out and buy me something -- anything at all.

6. Family Ties I agree with Erin that there's nothing more important than family. If she really wants to impress me -- and I know she does -- she'll tattoo a giant image of my beloved Grand-dad on her stomach so that her pubic hair becomes his beard. If by some chance she's fully waxed, that's okay -- Grand-dad needed a shave anyway. I expect her to have the work done at High Voltage Tattoo in Los Angeles, pay for it, then buy me the studio and engage in a threesome with myself and Kat Von D.

7. Like a Prayer I consider myself a very spiritual person. I wake each morning with a smile on my face and a song of praise in my heart, grateful for the new day that God has given me and the bounty of treasures -- material and rarefied -- that he's bestowed upon me. I put my life in the caring hands of Jesus Christ and accept that there is no obstacle too daunting for the one true God. He will reward those who believe in him and punish those who defile his divine name. Unfortunately, he tends to take his time with the whole punishment thing, so I'd like Erin to buy me the Roman Catholic church, execute Benedict XVI and have me elected Pope under penalty of death.

8. Put Her There Nothing, and I mean nothing compares to life's simplest pleasures, to wit, a nice cup of tea just before bed. This is why there's no better way for Erin to prove her undying love -- than to let me teabag her.

Erin, if you're out there reading this, I'll be awaiting your response -- or your lawyer's anyway.


Doesn't play well with others said...

It started as "10 Ways to Impress Me" but #9 and #10 were cut from the list...

9. Take Care Of Me - I love a man who provides for his woman. I would be impressed by a man who willed his entire fortune to me on his death bed.

10. Respect Me - I can't be with a man who doesn't respect me as a strong, intelligent woman. A man who whispers his net worth into my ear while cuffing me to the headboard with mink lined handcuffs and whipping me with a cashmere cat-of-nine-tails will win my heart!

Colleen said...

Erin would not be reading this herself. A man who's trying to woo her hired James Earl Jones to read to her.

Jolie said...

Oh my God...this is so brilliant! I was giggling my ass off while marveling at your ability to pick just the right words.


em said...

Huh. And here I am, asking for trust, honesty, loyalty, respect, and love.

Oh--and doesn't play well with others--you left off the diamond-encrusted nipple clamps. Those take foreplay to a whole new level.

VOTAR said...

I was cool until the possibility of a fully waxed Erin Burnett took shape in my mind, and then to stave off an emergency trip to the dry cleaners I had to replace it with whatever I think your beloved grand-dad may have looked like. Having never met the man, the image never the less was a sufficient bone kill to allow me to remain productive here at my desk.

Erin and Kat Von D would be entertaining, but I'd stay safely behind the handicam lens for that one, lest Kat rip your dick off and feed it to her dog.

kelley said...

so, I was gonna say something incredibly witty, but I bow to colleen's comment! too, too funny

Calitri said...

The sad thing is she doesn't realize she's not worth any of it. There are a thousand better looking, smarter, altruistic women with a general lack of self-esteem out there who require little more to impress than an IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity and a coffee the morning after.

If Erin does happen to get you that 70", how do you feel about a Super Bowl party at your place?

lakelady said...

Thanks for starting my week off with a VERY loud round of laughter!

Anonymous said...

Great stuff! Also, I want to make genetically superior children with Kat Von D. And everyone else that works in her shop that is not a dude.

dick_gozinia said...

After the Kat Von D threesome, you should make her get a tramp-stamp tattoo of "I fucked Kat Von D and Chez". You know...just so everybody knows.

Unsung Hero said...

Well i hate to be left out so i've also come up with a list of things i look for in a potential date...

1.) Teeth
2.) Hair
3.) all four limbs
4.) a head

in retrospect my list isn't nearly as impressive.

Calitri said...


At least you're selective quality control criteria are more evolved than the basic three holes and a heart beat method, if only slightly.

doctor robert ibach said...

I had to pause to ROTFLMFAOACDTIAOLF when I got to the part about the heart of Rachael Ray. Well done.

Blade said...

Wow, just wow. I don't even know what to say, but I felt I needed to make SOME kind of a comment as to how incredibly .. awful... her article is.

winged unicorn said...

oh monsieur, for tonight's special, we have le coeur du rachel, in your choice of preparations. chef tout suite will saute, roast, ficassee or barbecue le coeur and serve it with a buerre blanc or a reduction enriched with a spoonful of vermouth. for dessert, may i be so bold as to suggest crepes erin en flambe with a dollop of freshly whipped creme du roger stone? yes, i would recommend a strong burgundy with this meal. you will need it!

Stephanie said...

Clearly, you just don't understand how to keep women.

If more men would actually listen to things like this, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is.


(now I'm going to have to ask that you slip me a 50 for this response. This vag-bearer doesn't work for nothing.)

foolery said...

blah blah blah blah ME blah blah bla-blah ME ME ME ME blah blah ME

oh, and this bit:

"A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper."

She must be talking about her boobs because no self-respecting female ANYTHING would waste any time with this windbag.

Great list, Your Excellency.