Monday, January 07, 2008

Is Barack Obama Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?


***NEW HILLARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL***
DISTRIBUTION: Metropolitan Northeast
EMBARGO: None
RUN TIME: 30 Seconds
MIXED AND READY FOR AIR 01/07/08
KILL DATE: TBA

***TRANSCRIPT***


(Spot opens with patriotic music and fade-in to giant, billowing American flag -- which then efx flashes with "record scratch sfx" to graffiti image of American flag on brick wall in random "ghetto-esque" environment. Hillary Clinton jumps out in front of backdrop dressed in Baby Phat rhinestone-studded baseball cap tilted sideways with matching hot-pants, large gold rings, diamond-stud earrings, counterfeit Gucci sunglasses and Sean John hoodie over t-shirt emblazoned with image of machine-gun-weilding Tony Montana.)

Waaaazzzzaaaaap!!! (Throwing gang signs)

Mizzus Clinton in the hizzay!!!

I'm comin' at you today to let y'all know that my campaign is off the chain. Word! See that? I'm a poet and didn't know it!

Holla!

You know, a lot of people been sayin' lately that I'm not down with the regular people -- and that's why Barack Obama's beating me like Ike beat Tina.

We all know what happened last week in Iowa, and now it looks like he's got a double-digit lead over me going into tomorrow's New Hampshire primary.

But I gotta drop some knowledge on you -- I call bullshit on that.

I know I come off like a cold beeyatch sometimes, but that just ain't who I really am, know what I'm sayin'? So it's time for my fellow average Americans to meet the real Hil-C. That punk Barack ain't got shit on me when it comes to knowing how to inspire all y'all in the minority community, plus, you know, everybody else.

So from now on, I'm keepin' it real.

True dat!

You see, I got mad skillz. Barack? He's just frontin'. When it comes time to deal with haters around the world, I can Git-r-done!!! Oh wait, that's the ad I'm cutting to run in Edwards country -- sorry. Seriously though, Barack's just layin' down a rap. I'm the the one who can get the job done. See, there it is again -- I'm even a better rapper than him. You've gotta love that! Right? RIGHT?

How can I prove that I'm not just some silly white chick who'll say anything to get elected? Well, how about this promise: On my first day in office, I'm designating a new holiday -- National Crunk Day! And did I mention that I'm gonna appoint Wu-Tang Clan as my entire cabinet and my running-mate's gonna be Dolemite?!

Aw yeah, WESTCHESTER-SIDE!!!

Besides -- who's really in-touch with the brotherman? An Uncle Tom bitch like Barack Obama, or a woman who's married to Bill Clinton. Hell y'all, Bill's got more black inside him than Barack -- at least he's been inside more black women.

How many illegitimate children does Barack have?

Uh-huh, I thought so. Black my, uh, white ass.

So remember to vote for me this primary season -- not Barack Obama.

And put some "real niggaz" back in the White House.

(Track: I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message yo!)

***END***

6 comments:

Calitri said...

Way to drop some fucking knowledge on us Hill-hill. Yeah Dog! I knew your were a semi-sweet honey of a righteous bitch. Damn, you slayed (sleighed?) that fucker. Don't hurt 'em Hill, don't hurt 'em. Nothing wack about how you clowned him. Putting it down for a brotha (or sista).

Now get that fine white ass back to the kitchen. Those collard greens won't fix themselves.

Word! Snap! Word snap!

-Porkchop

Suzy said...

i think i just came.

Anonymous said...

Good copy but no way it would fit in a :30 spot.

Chez said...

Jesus, I wonder why I don't mind getting the hell out of TV news.

Gary said...

That's just the funniest damn thing ever in this whole 'silly season'. I`m out here in Australia and we get loads of the American political process bullshit on tv/radio as you do.

btw most people over here agree that Bill would be good to see in the office again, but not his trout-faced wife. Imagine being married to that.

NiH said...

You 'really' have a wife named Jayne and a kid named Inara!

I thought I was the biggest Firefly fan :( SHINY!