Friday, January 18, 2008

I'm Tom Cruise, and I'm Going to Crush Your Fucking Skull While Laughing Maniacally


I realize that the "Tom Cruise hearts Scientology" video has been just about everywhere over the past couple of days. Still, it's one of those rare cultural curiosities that, for whatever reason, I can't seem to get enough of.

It's just mesmerizing in its unbridled surreality -- like being bukkaked with crazy.

There's really very little that I can add in reference to the unhinged lunacy of Cruise these days; most of it's already been contemplated at length by sources far more notable than myself.

I guess all that I can muster -- besides a somewhat horrified "What the fuck?" -- is that if Cruise weren't a movie star, Congress would already have passed a law bearing his name aimed at keeping him 100 yards away from the innocent.

He doesn't simply look insane in the leaked promotional video, he looks dangerously insane. Demonically possessed. As in, he really should've been a shoe-in to play the new Joker.

On the one hand, it's a trainwreck that bests even Britney or maybe the 1996 remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau for sheer hypnotic power. When you think about where Tom Cruise once was -- his place in the Hollywood hierarchy and in America's hearts -- compared to what he's become in the collective consciousness, it's almost unfathomable. Even Janeane Garofalo's decision to forgo a promising film career in favor of becoming a humorless lesbian doesn't come close.

It's truly rare that you see a person who's spent a majority of his life carefully under the control and, it would seem, sedation of highly-trained publicists go completely off the fucking rails.

In some ways, it's almost admirable to watch him commit career suicide with such bombastic finality.

Behold the power of Scientology, I suppose.

Which does, I admit, bring up an interesting question: Do ridiculous little men like Scientology's current chief David Miscavige really think that Cruise is doing their silly "religion" a favor? There's just no way that anyone with the kind of mind Scientology purports to be able to create can honestly buy Cruise's antics as good for the religion -- that a guy who's pissed away a huge career and turned himself into a laughing stock is somehow going to be the most effective advocate for the product that led to his exile from the grown-ups' table.

"I'm Tom Cruise, and just look at what Scientology did for me!"

I don't know -- that doesn't seem very, well, smart.



Hmm...

You know something, now that I watch this video again -- I feel like I've seen it somewhere before...

17 comments:

Harris said...

I kind admire Cruise. Why be rich and famous if you're not going to be a crazy person? If I was in his position, I'd keep a dozen small Laotion boys as my stable of trained killers and forbid anyone from wearing pants in my house and insist that no one talk me directly but address all questions to the 6-foot-7 drag queen I'd keep on a leash at all times. Embrace the crazy.

Calitri said...

Fucking SP's, man. They're everywhere. I keep cancelling them from my area but they always get back in and I tell them, "You're either in or you're out!" But they won't stop straddling the goddamn line. I mean when I see an accident, I really see it, you know? And I have to stop and help because I'm the only who can.

God damn SP's, away from me! HAHAHA!

(long pause)

HAHAHA!

dick_gozinia said...

All I know is we're all going to be really sorry when Xenu comes back.

I like to watch the south park scientology episode for a reality check on this whole kooky cult. And then I remember all of the Hollywood people involved in this thing and then I loathe them all even more.

tiny robot said...

Method acting?

Miss C said...

Can we please discuss the sadness that is Miss Katie Holmes? Comparing her recent interviews (soulless robot whose helmet hair wig effectively hides the chip her scientology "handler" embedded into her skull) with her pre-Cruise interviews (not entirely untalented actress, charming, giggly, witty)sends shivers right down my spine.

If only we could send a talented writer (ahem) under-cover into the dark creepy recesses of Scientology without them getting sued and/or brainwashed and/or tazed to death.

RottweilerTOM said...

God Risky Business was so so long ago...

What a fucking fruitcake

Mika aka Xeyli said...

Haha! I forgot about his performance in Magnolia. That was the first time I thought Tom Cruise actually had some talent. I didn't even recognize him, at first.

Now, seeing what he is, maybe it wasn't acting at all. That's why he fooled me.

Maybe Cruise had the same publicists protecting him as Dubya. He's a bit on the crazy level as far as religion goes... but maybe that's just my opinion.

Boo said...

the scariest thing about those videos is while i was watching, i felt my head nodding agreement...

on its OWN.

Brand me now, Tom. I'm screwed.

BV said...

For a long time I thought celebrities used Scientology's 501(c)3 status with the IRS as a tax shelter. Now, I know he's just got a case of the crazies AND is using it as a tax shelter. They don't post their 990 on Guidestar.org. Not a good sign.

If anyone ever needed a way to answer a question indirectly with no real answer at all that video would be the way.

mike m said...

there are 80 million people that follow a religeon founded in the 16th century by a crazed, anti-semetic german monk. Mitt Romney is a member of a religeon founded by Joe Smith Jr, an american who claimed to regularly see god and Jesus christ at his family farm in new york. there are an estimated 3 million followers of Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who describes homosexuals as "human dung" that make God unhappy. My point is, all of the religeons in the world, emanate from dubious beginnings, shaky origins, crazed principles and hold delusional intentions. Scientiology springs from the same origons of the human inagination that founded the roman catholic church 2000 years ago.

Chez said...

You're saying that as if I don't understand.

mike m said...

sorry about that overly preachy, entry. I'm defending Cruise wothout being a rabid fan of his work. put yourself in his position. you're a not too bright, fatherless young actor. in the course of 20 years, you amass a fortune of several hundred million dollars. which way do you go with it? some other examples of power-mad figures in american history: Henry Ford, J Edgar Hoover, Charles Lindbergh.

Robo said...

Well I just think he's BatShit Crazy...[gives Ron L. the one finger salute]

Mark said...

I can't wait till he runs for president and wins! I'm gonna vote for em'.

E said...

I am a volunteer EMT and my crew helped an accident victim just last night. Gosh, if only they can help car accident victims, am I some kind of amnesiac Scientology mole?

On a serious note, if such a thing is possible on this subject, the issue is not their crazy, B grade sc-fi beliefs as compared to the accepted craziness of mainstream religous beliefs. The issue is their very agressive and destructive tactics against perceived enemies, including the seemingly countless disillusioned ex-members who have about half a billion web postings on the subject.

Anonymous said...

Scientologists like Cruise are mentally deranged with their crazy beliefs about space aliens and such.
Everyone knows that God created the earth in 7 days merely by using voice commands, "Let their be light..", etc. That he took a rib from Adam to create Eve. That he used magic to flood the entire world, Mt. Everest included. That he appears in burning bushes, Allowed Moses to part the Red sea by waving his arms. He came to Earth as Jesus, then magically rose from the dead and returned to heaven. That is "The Truth"!. It's in the Bible.
We need the government to outlaw scientology. They are un-christian heathens with mental problems! Also they are greedy and take people's money. The only reason Oral Roberts asked for $10million is because God was going to kill him. Not because of greediness.

Vidiot said...

Did you see the (unauthorized, I'm assuming, but our cravenness sometimes knows no fucking bounds) CNN screengrabs in there too? I saw Wolf Blitzer and Kelli Arena shortly before Der Cruisester did his creepy salute.