Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Speaking of Stupid, Pregnant White Trash...
As if the story itself wasn't priceless enough, CNN.com has taken the extra step of carving out a little space amidst the usual wall-to-wall tales of missing white people, water-skiing squirrels, celebrity vs. paparazzi videos and other assorted twaddle on its main page to ask readers this pressing question: "How Do You Talk to Kids About Britney's Sister?"
In addition to representing the kind of purported commitment to "community service" that only the most lunkheaded of news managers could enthusiastically tout, a sidebar story like this one (it's of course followed-up with the personal insights of just a few of the concerned parents who took the interactive bait) is all-but-guaranteed to deliver on the unspoken promise of comedy gold.
Among the responses sent in by America's army of rubbernecking moms and dads:
Sheila Anderson of Boone, Iowa writes, "I hope the little baby lives in a happy and loving environment, but as past cases like the little "Baby Grace" story show us, all strikes are against the child when born to teenage parents."
I think that barring an accident in which Britney stops by and mistakes it for an eight-pound ham, it's safe to say that the child won't actually end up dead -- although kudos to Sheila for regurgitating the syrupy vernacular rammed into her consciousness by an unimaginative media (using the word "little" twice; mentioning "Baby Grace"). Somewhere out there, an idiot consultant just got his wings.
George Romaka of Honolulu, Hawaii takes the velvet-gloved, non-judgmental approach that we've come to expect from America's Christian white-guy contingent: "This is one of those things that should just not happen. These days, by the age of 16, kids... know more about sex than their grandparents. They know about abstinence. She and her boyfriend made a mistake."
Just remember kids, George votes.
Kymberlie Piekkola of Buena Park, California (and only a woman from Southern California would insist on spelling her first name that way) has this gem: "My 9-year-old says it best. Girlfriends mean kissing, which leads to sex, and sex makes babies, so wait to be picky and make a nest before you make the babies."
Jesus Christ Kym, your 9-year-old says that? What the hell are you feeding him -- ginseng and Stephen Hawking's plasma? Congratulations, you gave birth to the fucking Golden Child.
Bill Braskey of Manhattan, Kansas is determined not to let his overbearing nature and unresolved personal issues interfere with the healthy development of his daughters: "I will tell my little girls that they shouldn't be having sex until they get married at the ripe old age of 30."
Patricia N. of Nashua, New Hampshire seems to be taking the whole thing in stride: "Enough is enough. Now we have a child glamorizing teen pregnancy. Boycott anything to do with the Spears family. Boycott Nickelodeon. Write to them and tell them you will no longer allow that station to be viewed on any electronic device in your home."
The "N" stands for either "neurotic" or "Nazi" apparently.
Larry Lines of Houston, Texas writes (an astonishing feat in and of itself by the way), "Teen parents are not pariahs... Keep your judgment to yourself, or I will start criticizing your parenting skills."
You so don't want to live anywhere near Larry.
Donovan Leslie of La Grange, Illinois is looking at the big picture: "I really hope all those girls watching Nickelodeon won't try to follow in her footsteps."
Coming soon to Nickelodeon: You CAN Screw that on Television.
Frances Cleveland of Alabaster, Alabama has this to say: "I have a 9-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. After the Vanessa Hudgens nude photo scandal and now this, I think we're going to stop watching television for a while."
I for one managed to avoid the Vanessa Hudgens photos altogether and therefore can't offer any sort of informed opinion on the scandal one way or the other -- except to say that Vanessa's pubic hair rocks.
Finally, there's this letter, from someone apparently within CNN itself who will only identify himself as Lou D: "You know whose fault this pregnancy is? Those fucking Mexicans."
All kidding aside though -- if we can just figure out a way to knock up Mylie Cyrus...