Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Speaking of Stupid, Pregnant White Trash...

As if the story itself wasn't priceless enough, has taken the extra step of carving out a little space amidst the usual wall-to-wall tales of missing white people, water-skiing squirrels, celebrity vs. paparazzi videos and other assorted twaddle on its main page to ask readers this pressing question: "How Do You Talk to Kids About Britney's Sister?"

In addition to representing the kind of purported commitment to "community service" that only the most lunkheaded of news managers could enthusiastically tout, a sidebar story like this one (it's of course followed-up with the personal insights of just a few of the concerned parents who took the interactive bait) is all-but-guaranteed to deliver on the unspoken promise of comedy gold.

Among the responses sent in by America's army of rubbernecking moms and dads:

Sheila Anderson of Boone, Iowa writes, "I hope the little baby lives in a happy and loving environment, but as past cases like the little "Baby Grace" story show us, all strikes are against the child when born to teenage parents."

I think that barring an accident in which Britney stops by and mistakes it for an eight-pound ham, it's safe to say that the child won't actually end up dead -- although kudos to Sheila for regurgitating the syrupy vernacular rammed into her consciousness by an unimaginative media (using the word "little" twice; mentioning "Baby Grace"). Somewhere out there, an idiot consultant just got his wings.

George Romaka of Honolulu, Hawaii takes the velvet-gloved, non-judgmental approach that we've come to expect from America's Christian white-guy contingent: "This is one of those things that should just not happen. These days, by the age of 16, kids... know more about sex than their grandparents. They know about abstinence. She and her boyfriend made a mistake."

Just remember kids, George votes.

Kymberlie Piekkola of Buena Park, California (and only a woman from Southern California would insist on spelling her first name that way) has this gem: "My 9-year-old says it best. Girlfriends mean kissing, which leads to sex, and sex makes babies, so wait to be picky and make a nest before you make the babies."

Jesus Christ Kym, your 9-year-old says that? What the hell are you feeding him -- ginseng and Stephen Hawking's plasma? Congratulations, you gave birth to the fucking Golden Child.

Bill Braskey of Manhattan, Kansas is determined not to let his overbearing nature and unresolved personal issues interfere with the healthy development of his daughters: "I will tell my little girls that they shouldn't be having sex until they get married at the ripe old age of 30."

Patricia N. of Nashua, New Hampshire seems to be taking the whole thing in stride: "Enough is enough. Now we have a child glamorizing teen pregnancy. Boycott anything to do with the Spears family. Boycott Nickelodeon. Write to them and tell them you will no longer allow that station to be viewed on any electronic device in your home."

The "N" stands for either "neurotic" or "Nazi" apparently.

Larry Lines of Houston, Texas writes (an astonishing feat in and of itself by the way), "Teen parents are not pariahs... Keep your judgment to yourself, or I will start criticizing your parenting skills."

You so don't want to live anywhere near Larry.

Donovan Leslie of La Grange, Illinois is looking at the big picture: "I really hope all those girls watching Nickelodeon won't try to follow in her footsteps."

Coming soon to Nickelodeon: You CAN Screw that on Television.

Frances Cleveland of Alabaster, Alabama has this to say: "I have a 9-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. After the Vanessa Hudgens nude photo scandal and now this, I think we're going to stop watching television for a while."

I for one managed to avoid the Vanessa Hudgens photos altogether and therefore can't offer any sort of informed opinion on the scandal one way or the other -- except to say that Vanessa's pubic hair rocks.

Finally, there's this letter, from someone apparently within CNN itself who will only identify himself as Lou D: "You know whose fault this pregnancy is? Those fucking Mexicans."

All kidding aside though -- if we can just figure out a way to knock up Mylie Cyrus...


Danny said...

Hey, don't bogart the Stephen Hawking plasma!

Let me just borrow some of that southern trash intelligence and suggest that the 'N' can also stand for 'Nocked Up' wait..I AM a southerner...thanks Spears girls for reinforcing the stereotype...

Somehow, I'm reminded of that episode of 'The Simpsons' wherein Ralph sees Principle Skinner and Mrs. Crabapple in the janitors closet 'making babies'. Ralph also claims '...and one of the babies looked at me.'

I thought there might be some hope for Jamie Lynn...what did I know...


VOTAR said...

Girlfriends mean kissing, which leads to sex, and sex makes babies.

Babies lead to Fear. Fear is the path to the dark side.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to suffering.

Sean said...

"Coming soon to Nickelodeon: You CAN Screw that on Television."

Holy crap, that's funny.

Is that the same Bill Braskey who uses a live rattlesnake for a condom?

To Bill Braskey!

Paul said...

Personally I just consider this news really bad timing. I wish we could all keep this nugget of info tucked into the back of our subconscious for Mama Spears could publish her book on parenting. I bet it's GOLD, Jerry, GOLD!!! It has to be filled with a ton of great information all of us parents, and even those non-parents, should follow.

Anonymous said...

Holy Shit! These have got to be the same people to write in to People magazine to offer their opinions on the lives of celebrities. There should be roving bands of death squads that are called in to eliminate these people.

And I concur on Vanessa's carpet.

Lang said...

I too laughed when i saw the overblown coverage of "what do you tell your kids."

Here's my advice... Britney's slut sister went bare pickle and got knocked up like the white trash hooker that she is...

Seems an easy conversation to have

Anonymous said...

Hey Chez -- Do you have a link for the Vanessa Hudgens pube photos? Everything I've found is blurred and that kinda ruins the experience, if ya know what I mean. //c

Chez said...

Yeah Votar -- I was gonna go there, but I figured you'd do it for me.

God bless you sir.

VOTAR said...

Happy to oblige, sir.

Oh and, with regard to Ms. Hudgens, I've studied the botanical properties of that garden, and it seems clear to me that there is no grass on that lawn (as it should always be, of course), she just hadn't paid the gardener in a few days.

Ally said...

Oh, gawd. Are you kidding me? How about this?

"Kids, you will, in this lifetime, encounter people making stupid mistakes with their lives. Don't follow them."

Is it that hard? Does CNN have to play parenting coach to every parent in this world? Granted, some are so stupid they need their hands held, but most of us are able to talk to our own children.

And who gives a shit about Jamie Lynn, anyway? Or any of the Spears for that matter? What, like this is a shock? She's already had one pregnancy scare when she was 15. She's been dating since she was 13. Obviously the Spears DNA somewhere along the way morphed to replace their brains from their heads and into their asses. Justice would be stapling their legs together or rendering them sterile so they couldn't continue to reproduce.

james said...

It's Ironic (and Hot) that women today shave to look like babies that Vanessa Hudgens would support a full 80's bush (I hope no one brings back the 70's bush). Just think only 396 and a half days before America finally shaves off it's Bush.

BV said...

Abort! Abort!

She's not the first person with an unwanted pregnancy, but she is the stupidest. If you're worried about birth control making you fat get an IUD. Or, oh, I don't know..use a condom.

I can't really rag too much, cause I've been there. I was stupid once too....just not that stupid.

kelley said...

re: the now 'on hold' lynne spears parenting book (treatise? opus? gothic?) and the irony of such...

best comment I've heard yet... a d.j. this a.m. said that for her to pen instruction on parenting was like rae carruth expounding on romance and relationships

the examples could go on for days... michael jackson authors 'natural beauty: a guide'... oprah authors 'humility: an autobiography'...

Slash said...

Maybe it's because I don't have kids (and I do have a brain and some vague concept of the word "perspective"), but I don't see what the big fucking deal is. 16-year-olds get knocked up all the time. People are acting like this is another 9/11.

Maybe the kid channels should stop using teenagers (who have, like, icky hormones and kinda grownup bodies and stuff) on their programs. I doubt we'll ever see Dora the Explorer getting impregnated.

George said...

This is George Romaka. Hey, I respect your opinion, and you kind of nailed me as part of the "America's Christian white-guy contingent." You didn't mention that I was also a father of three, the first having been conceived out of wedlock and a member of the armed forces. You couldn't have know that, though.

I just wanted to add that CNN removed part of my contribution. After the "...know more about sex than their grandparents," the snipped out "(just ask grandma if she knows what 69 means)".

Glory to the censors: making America better my making is politically correct.

foolery said...

"...if we can just figure out a way to knock up Mylie Cyrus..."

Where there's a willy, there's a way.

Chez said...

Jesus George -- what, are you Googling your name and just seeing where it turns up?

In all honesty, I actually do understand any frustration you may have about having your opinion edited. That's one of the pitfalls of offering it up to a national news service: they'll do whatever they feel like with it and in the end you may come off looking or sounding completely different than you had hoped.

Either way, thanks for the comment. It's appreciated.