Thursday, December 06, 2007

The Sectarian Candidate


What follows is the initial draft of today's (12/6/07) scheduled speech by Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for President of the United States. The purpose of the address will be to allow Mr. Romney the opportunity to explain his Mormon faith to America, in the hope of creating a better understanding and acceptance of the faith's spiritual tenets and practices. The corrections, as well as the notes and instructions in boldface, have been written by Mr. Romney himself except where noted.

My fellow Americans,

You now have two earth minutes to surrender or be destroyed.

I come to you today, not simply as a proud citizen of this country, nor merely as a candidate for President of the United States, but as a man of faith.

There's been some concern over the past few months about my religious beliefs, specifically, questions in regard to the Mormon faith itself. Many Americans want to know what it is, what it stands for, who is behind it, is it just as warm and cuddly as that "Big Love" show, what is its relation to Christianity?

I'm here to tell you that you have nothing to fear -- that the Church of Latter Day Saints has a plan for your life, and that it involves tax evasion and three wives in every home. The church and its storied belief system were founded by the great Prophet Joseph Smith, who, when he wasn't searching for buried treasure, trying to con local hillbillies, or sitting in a jail cell, dedicated his life to pulling a "religion" out of his ass in an effort to rip off his arch-nemesis, the U.S. Government spreading the word of the one true God. (Remember to pause dramatically in between one, true and God)

Prophet, Seer and Revelator Smith was the sole vessel for the most recent Testament of Jesus Christ, as told to him by several "angelic beings," including the resurrected prophet known as "Moroni." (The "C" is silent.) These were called hallucinations "Revelations." To make a very long and unbelievably convoluted story short, after transcribing the word of God on a set of mysterious, invisible golden plates, Prophet Smith built a brand new ponzi scheme church from the ground up and took himself and his followers west due mostly to the fact that they were run out of almost every town they tried to settle in, to Utah.

The faith the Prophet founded was special, like no other (insofar as it was, in fact, like every other faith simply because Prophet Smith created it by unimaginatively swiping tenets and concepts from already established religions like Christianity and Judaism). As such, it developed many dupes followers during its formative period -- the lengthy era between the church's inception and its final settlement in Utah.

Along the way, the Prophet was visited by many more visions -- even Jesus stopped by the see him, at one point presenting him with the "New Covenant" (what became known as "The Principle"). This dictated that polygamy was not only condoned, but demanded by God. (Look stern)

David Koresh Joseph Smith of course passed this commandment on to his people -- particularly the women, whose subservience was now nothing less than a holy mandate under pain of eternal torment -- and thus, plural marriage became a staple of this new religion , one that would only be truly abandoned when the entire state of Utah found itself ostracized and excluded from the union, and eventually the government began confiscating everything polygamist families owned.

As it grew, Mormonism became the church of inclusion and equality, unless you were black, gay or a woman which helped to make it the fast-growing faith that it is today.

It also is and always has been a religion of peace (not counting the Mountain Meadows massacre of 1857, in which Mormon militiamen executed hundreds of unarmed men, women and children, then tried to pin it on the local Indians) .

(***Note from Campaign "Technician": Please be aware that Romney-VI will need to be plugged into the charger for at least an extra 20 minutes to remain animated for this length of time.***)

As I stand before you to ask you to elect me to the highest office in the land, I want to reassure you about the warm relationship the Church of Latter Day Saints has always shared with the United States government -- which I hope to be the leader of in the near future. Mormons have always had the utmost respect for the United States when they weren't trying to secede from the union or were arrogantly refusing to recognize the jurisdiction of the U.S. government. And while none of Joseph Smith's insane pronouncements or prophecies ever came true, that's no reason not to believe that Scientology Mormonism is not a legitimate faith -- one that can and should be accepted by both the American people and the government we all hold so dear.

And about faith in general, I must say this...

"There are some who may feel that religion is not a matter to be seriously considered in the context of the weighty threats that face us. If so, they are at odds with the nation's founders, for they, when our nation faced its greatest peril, sought the blessings of the Creator. And further, they discovered the essential connection between the survival of a free land and the protection of religious freedom. In John Adam's words: 'We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion... Our constitution was made for a moral and religious people."** (I like this. Gotta keep it. It'll piss off the bloggers.)

"We separate church and state affairs in this country, and for good reason. No religion should dictate to the state nor should the state interfere with the free practice of religion. But in recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of secularism. They are wrong."** (This is great. It'll show those God-haters who believe in all that science. Remember to keep this in.)

To sum up today ladies and gentlemen, let me make one final point about my particular faith -- and it is one which simply cannot be argued with.

The beliefs of Mormons are no more curious...

No more outlandish...

And no more preposterous...

Than than the beliefs of any other faith.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

(**Actual excerpts from Romney's prepared address. By the way, to learn every dirty little secret about the real history of the Church of Latter Day Saints, and its extremist spinter cell, the FLDS, I highly recommend reading Jon Krakauer's excellent 2003 bestseller Under the Banner of Heaven.)


Anonymous said...

Now I think I will to run out and buy the Donny and Marie Show CDs.

Vermillion said...

I knew about that massacre thing from Wild West Tech. That show rules.

I do like the fact that a key element of their faith is named "Moroni." It is like Smith is slapping them in the face from beyond the grave.

Anonymous said...

Fucking Brilliant Chez!!

Al said...

...silly me, thinking you had lost your touch. Classic stuff man - genius!

VOTAR said...

And now, my brethren, a reading from The Book of Moroni, Chapter 14, Verses 5 through 9:

[5] I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel. [6] You lazy cork suckers you have violated my fargin rights. [7] This sonamabutching country was founded so that the liberties of the common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin ice holes like yourselves. [8] Thank you.

[9] This is fargin war!

namron said...

A recent comment from Bill Maher regarding Mormons who complain of anti-Mormon sentiment surrounding Romney: "You ought to be happy that Scientology came along and made you the second weirdest religion in America."

winged unicorn said...

when i was a kid, maybe 9 or 10, i read a book, the 27th wife by irving wallace. it formed my views on polygamy and mormons. let me add that the ob/gyn who delivered my youngest is a devout mormon. who reads and understands hebrew. in any event, like very other religion, they have their upstanding citizens and their wackjobs. only problem, they don't always realize their wackjobs are wackjobs.

protest said...

everything i learned about mormonism i learned from southpark. i would highly recommend that episode to any mormom noob. also the scientology episode was quite educational.

Jason Barlow said...

Great article. Maybe in your next one you can pre-judge Jews or African-Americans with your innuendo, exaggeration, and ignorance

Chez said...

Jason --

First of all, I'm not pre-judging anything, I'm judging. The unmitigated nonsense that Mormons believe is worthy of no more respect or consideration than the assertion that the world is 6,000 years old, was created in six days, and was engineered by an omnipotent being who continues to give a crap about the day-in-day-out lives of its inhabitants. In other words, Mormonism is as silly as just about every other faith-based religion, if not much moreso actually. I made no innuendo -- I flat out made fun of it. I didn't exaggerate in the least, and don't even bother trying to play the ignorance card kid; that's a very tidy defense mechanism you're welcome to use to shield yourself from the reality that you've bought into a con -- and a bad one at that -- hook, line and sinker.

Now have a nice day and remember -- God loves you. : )

Ryan said...

Hello Chez,

As a Mormon I have to say I think your comedy above is extremely unfair. While you've made several factual assertions that just don't hold up, the larger problem with your thoughts is how much they rely on the now ubiquitous anti-Mormon trope that "Mormonism is demonstrably false, and there's no thinking informed person who could ever believe any of this stuff."

Well, no one is arguing that Mormonism is absolutely logically compelling in the sense that every thinking person MUST believe it, but I'm here to tell you that there are hundreds of thousands of brilliant, successful, well-adapted people that do. I don't take that as proof of Mormonism's religious claims. I do take it as a conclusive rebuttal to the idea that no intelligent person could ever believe in it.

You claim to be informed. I take your recommendation of the truly sloppy Krakauer book (as well as that of Southpark, by one of the commenters here) as evidence to the contrary. Which is fine- no one has a duty to investigate every argument and nuance of a religion they'd rather dismiss as weird. But I think it would be fairer if you didn't make fun of things you don't appear to understand.

So my accusation of your ignorance may be a defense mechanism. You may be informed, but seem only to be informed of the arguments against Mormonism, rather than those in its defense, which always surprise people with their strength, when given due attention. Feel free to continue to deride Mormonism. But unless you think you've honestly investigated the myriad logical defenses and prolific scholarship put forth by its adherents, I don't think it's fair for you to act like a knowledgeable critic.

If you're interested in more detailed discussions of these ideas, feel free to visit my blog responding to anti-Mormon propaganda,



Jeffrey said...


Any chance you can provide sources for those allegations?

Thomas said...

To the "vicariously offended" Mormon above, and for your debunking pleasure of all things stupid and Mormon let me point you to a vast treasure trove of information from a former member who goes through and methodically debunks "Mormonism" from all different levels:
And has a few wonderful nuggets of info on other topics regarding religions too. Yes, I am an ex-mormon that can't believe the drivel passed off as "god's word" especially at BYU. Ewww, I feel so violated from all that "baggage"!

Oh yeah, as I read your blog post I about fell out of my seat with some of the comments you lined out and peed my pants laughing so hard at them! The "pause dramatically ...." part put it over the top!! You are the SHIT!!!!! I will be visiting your blog more often just to enjoy smartassy pointed humor! And yes, it does add an extra edge that makes your writing far more interesting.
Word out!

Derek said...

I know that Jason guy above has had most of his post dissected and disproved, but I've got to take one more whack at this dead horse. There is a major difference in Mormonism and African Americans. One is a religion and one is a race. Jews are a bit ambiguous in that they can be put into either category depending on context. The main point, people make a choice in believing ridiculous things, not who they are born to. Trying to imply that poking fun at a religion is the same as racism is a BIG stretch and pretty ignorant.
Also, here's an awesome link on the book of mormon(or just click my name, I put it as my URL):