Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Kill Hannah

I realize that the last few posts have been brimming with a pretty excessive amount of venom, and that it's just not the kind of thing folks are looking for around the holidays. So with that in mind, in the coming days I'll try my best to get into the Christmas spirit and refrain from advocating anyone's murder.

Right after I get something out of the way.

A couple of weeks back, I ripped heavily into the incomprehensible Hannah Montana craze that's galloping across our nation's youth culture like one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Montana Über Alles/11.20.07).

Well, maybe it's because I'm fortunate enough not to be the father of a borderline-retarded 10-year-old girl and as such don't have to live under the constant specter of this crap, but it seemed as if the national headlines (and by proxy the rest of us) had been mercifully Montana-free over the past few weeks.

Then came this syrupy drivel:

COLUMBUS, OHIO (FOX) -- Tuesday night's Hannah Montana concert at Nationwide Arena in Columbus was a dream come true for thousands of young fans, but for one 9-year-old girl, that dream was nearly a nightmare.

Just 40 minutes before Miley Cyrus was to take the stage, Toledo natives Rachel Dennis and her daughter, Elizabeth, were stuck outside.

"My fiance bought two tickets off Ebay for 260 dollars...and we went to the door to get in and they're not valid," Rachel says.

The man who sold Rachel the tickets seemed legit, but it turns out he refunded the tickets before the sold-out concert,

"They seemed fine, valid...this guy's sold thousands of tickets before."

Just when they'd about given up hope, Rob Bastian came along. He'd planned on going to the concert with his daughter and several others, but after a ticket mix-up at the box office, he decided not to go in after all.

"When we walked by the mom was crying, the little girl was crying, because they needed tickets so I ran back to the lady at the ticket booth," says Rob.

He came back with two floor seat tickets, willing to sell them for much less than scalpers, an offer Rachel couldn't pass up.

Rob says not going to the concert was well worth seeing the huge smile on Elizabeth's face,

"My little girl wanted to go and I couldn't see that little girl not being able to go."

I'd like to think that by unloading the tickets, Rob Bastian -- the Good Samaritan of this heartwarming story -- screwed his own kid out of seeing Hannah Montana, thus ensuring that she'll go on to spend her teen years cutting herself, writing emo poetry, cultivating an eating disorder and finally hanging herself in the basement, but I'm sure that wasn't the case.

One thing I can guarantee is that Mr. Bastian walked away from that arena with a big-ass smile on his face because not only would he not have to sit through the waking nightmare of "Hannah Montana Live!" but he even wound up making a few bucks he could then use trying to drown the knowledge of his failure as a father at the bar across the street.

This whole ridiculous phenomenon is like some kind of running South Park gag. If I told you ten years ago that parents would one day be mortgaging their homes and selling their blood so that their desperate, crying kids wouldn't miss the chance to see Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter, you'd have wisely had me committed.

I mean, seriously, read Monday's issue of the Kansas City Star -- a newspaper which inexplicably allows teenagers to write for it -- and tell me the world hasn't gone fucking mad.

Jeff Buckley dies at 30.

Billy Ray Cyrus meanwhile is not only still alive, but his worthless spawn is a goddamned multi-media sensation -- one that's metastasized inside the collective consciousness of an entire generation of kids.

Tell me there isn't something wrong with that.


micheal said...

*looks around, hopes no one notices taht he is from kansas city. hangs head in shame and runs away*

Paul said...

Read the KC Star article and all I can say! Or, instead, should I say...OMG!!!!!!

Chez said...

The most terrifying part of that KC Star article is when she says that those two mongrel retards the "gorgeous Jo Bros" sing a song called We're the Kids of the Future.

Of course the funniest part of it (and the most prescient insofar as the little twit writing it gives you a good idea where she and her sister are headed in their teen years) is when she talks about eating those "delicious quarter-pound hot dogs."

Eat up sweetie. Get used to it.

little girl with a big attitude said...

This seriously happened to someone I know in Indy. She was in the mall with her daughter, who is 5. A random woman walked up to them and asked the little girl if she liked Hannah Montana. Of course, she immediately commenced the drooling, shrieking little girl freak-out in response to the question, which was an obvious yes. The woman then offered her 2 tickets to her "concert." As the little girl went into an epileptic fit of joy over these tickets, her mother asked the woman why she was doing this. She said she had bought them to take her daughter, but her daughter had misbehaved in someway, and "no longer deserved to go."

* First of all, actually going to the concert would have been adequate punishment for whatever this girl had done. Now, as you said, she will commence cutting herself, dressing in black and dating Marilyn Manson.

* Second, if I had dropped on those tickets what I am sure this woman did, I would have put those suckers up on Ebay, financing next year's vacation via someone else's stupidity.

Me, I'm taking my kids to see Springsteen next year. The classics, man, the classics.....

the sieve said...

The real question is - how do you fight the onslaught? It isn't as easy as it seems to those without kids.

My ex lets my girls get into this horrifying shit (and Bratz dolls, and all the rest of it, too). How am I supposed to stop it? I can't.

I try to counter-balance it by reading them unabridged versions of the classics - Robin Hood, Three Musketeers, Treasure Island, etc.

The real ones, not the Disney shite. I figure if they get a healthy dose of good literature they'll eventually outgrow the fluff.

Chez said...

I think the solution is clear Sieve.

Your ex needs to have an "accident."

Anonymous said...

I dunno, but it looks like you were able to destroy the article on the KC Rag. Its a big 404, how does it feel to wang a site?

faux mccoy said...

as a parent to two girls (ages 9 and 7), my spouse and have have struggled mightily with teaching the finer points of conversation etiquette. these are important things, such as real sentences don't begin with the phrase "one time, on 'the sweet life of zac and cody'". they are slowly getting it; realized on their own accord that brit and Li Lo are freakshows without tents, for which some credit is due. they do find themselves liking the young ms. cyrus. curiously, their ipods are filled with songs about being raised by toothless bearded hags (should i be worried about my facial hair?)

on the bright side, the emergence of billy ray after so many years of 'early retirement' does give me delightful opportunity to walk about the house bastardizing the lyrics to his one hit with horrifying references to bodily functions. oh yes, i have entered the realm once enjoyed by my father who mocked bonnie tyler's hit 'its an assache riding on a hayrake' and life is sweet once again.

Monique said...

I never watch or follow the news at all, so the only time I get to hear about this bitch is on your blog. Are the children in this country really this retarded? The only logical thing I can do is make sure my niece does't get sucked into this bullshit.

I'm going to Cali for a few days before permanently becoming Dick Fuld's bitch. Anyone you want me to run over?

Mika aka Xeyli said...

These crazes come and go. Miss Cyrus will hit the age where drugs, drinking, and the Hollywood spotlight converge and brings forth the downfall of another teen idol. It'll end soon enough.

I hate this kind of shit myself, but how much of a nazi parent will I become before turning my child into the emo kid hiding in their closet with razor blades? it's all about balance. I know this for sure: if I have to sell my kidney in order to buy concert tickets, you can be sure they will not be purchased. ever.

the sieve said...

Heh heh. Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind.

Chez said...

The Star took down the article on its main page. I've now linked to it in the paper's archive.

Happy reading (well, not really).

Vermillion said...

That father in the story knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted out of that concert, and he saw his chance. And his daughter can't say shit, because then she will look selfish (she is) and that will give him an even better reason to refuse to pay for this dreck.

That, or he is a pedo who didn't want to get caught buying those tickets after his restraining order.

This highlights one of the few reasons I like living in Georgia. If a kid tries to give you lip about something like this, you can smack them. Spanking isn't a crime, it is a public duty. And if your kid tries to pull that "I'll call Child Services" crap, let them. Nine times out of ten, they will hold the little fucker down while you go to town.

A $600 vacuum cleaner makes more sense than this.

Paul said...

I just checked out my hometown newspaper and across the very top was something I know you would love:

Bunche said...

I have special hatred for Hannah Montana because I'm the poor son of a bitch who has to read all of text on the Topps trading cards for that horseshit before it goes to print. I swear to God, the fact that I know as much as I do about Hannah, her pals, her adventures, and even the proper spelling of her dad's name fills me with shame the same way as greasy fist fills an asshole at Corey Clarke's Dude Ranch.

Robert said...

Kill Hannah is a pretty good band, BTW.

Anonymous said...

She's an entertainer. It's show business. We grew up watching Gilligan's island, and no one said we were stupid for enjoying schlock. I don't care for Hannah Montana, but the kids like the show. Not everything has to be "artsy fartsy". Sometimes you just want to be entertained....and if people will pay, then great! You're a commercial success.