Tuesday, December 11, 2007

365 Days of Night

Where do I even begin?

To learn that megalomaniacal hack M. Night Shyamalan was allowed anywhere near a camera again after the abyssmal creative and financial trainwreck that was Lady in the Water just boggles the mind.

To learn that the plot of his next bloated cinematic punchline revolves around (and no, I'm not making this up) the Earth taking physical revenge on humanity for all the wrongs we've done to it just makes you wonder what the hell they're pumping through the air conditioner at The Ivy these days.

In The Happening (and no, I'm not making that up either) Mark Wahlberg plays a man forced to take his family on the run after the Earth revolts, with trees, plants and so-on all becoming sentient and attacking people by feeding off of their negative energy (and no, I'm not -- oh fuck it). Supposedly, Wahlberg's character figures out what's going on due to the fact that he's -- wait for it -- a high school biology teacher.

That's pretty impressive; my high school biology teacher doubled as the school's track coach and as such couldn't find his own asshole with a full-length mirror and a funnel.

The most obvious question is, who the hell green-lit this nonsense?

After leaving his personal di Medici family at Disney in a huff because he wasn't feeling the love, you'll remember Shyamalan took his ridiculous script for Lady in the Water to Warner Brothers, where it was promptly made and where it just as promptly tanked.

This time around it'll be Fox inexplicably pouring money down a hole. I'm trying to look at the whole thing as a potential win-win situation, since not only is this Shyamalan Schlock sure to go down in flames faster than you can say "I see dumb people" -- but in the process, maybe it can be the first financial domino to fall in Rupert Murdoch's empire, eventually leading to the destruction of the entire Newscorp Death Star and the career immolation of both Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. (Hey, a man can dream.)

The promotional barrage for The Happening has already begun. The movie's teaser poster attempts to remind you that Shyamalan was at one time culturally relevant; it references his two successes with the ominous warnings, "We've Sensed It," and "We've Seen the Signs." It's worth noting that it doesn't go on to say, "We've Laughed at the Lady," "We've Fled the Village," and "Our Spirits have been Unbreakable -- Despite being Asked to Swallow So Much Worthless Shyamalan Crap."

But before this movie sees its official release on Friday, the 13th of June 2008, Night -- as the friends he still has left call him -- may have one last hurdle to overcome: Himself.

Shyamalan has already dragged the production back to his usual fiefdom in Philadelphia, which is not a good sign for those expecting something different this time around, and he's notorious for being, to put it euphemistically, "difficult."

He argues against this assessment, oblivious to the irony involved in doing so.

"That is a misconception, and people who work with me know that I'm collaborative," Shyamalan says. "If you can give me a good idea that can help me to make a better movie, then there is no ego issue in taking that advice."


Shyamalan is an arrogant prick with nowhere near the talent to back up such a staggering level of hubris.

Don't believe me?

Read on.

(Deus Ex Malcontent: Welcome to My M. Nightmare/7.18.06)


Paul said...

"my high school biology...couldn't find his own asshole with a full-length mirror and a funnel." I cannot wait to use that line on someone (and I will provide a reference).

Zed said...

Shyamalan is the Deepak Chopra of films. I refer to charlatanism. And shallowness. And giant ego.

faux mccoy said...

i don't know you man, but i love you!

cheryl 'faux' mccoy

Catalina said...

My first read of the day....thanks for the first laugh of the day. If I take any interest in SHAMalan's movies at all it is only to ask someone (who was unfortunate enough to have seen the movie) what happened at the end. In that moment I need a good laugh of mockery and to feel great about my own writing.

Chez said...

Like Pryor said in Silver Streak -- we aims to please.

John said...

I'm still trying to figure out the function of the funnel.

You New Yorkers are into some crazy shit.

Mika aka Xeyli said...

With a story plot like that... I would think of the name Tim Burton or Christopher Guest... maybe Terry Gilliam could pull it off. for the story to be a serious one? I can't see it happening.

the more failures he has, the more likely they'll stop him from continuing. then again... we are in the United States of America.

Janean said...

That plot description sounds like something you'd expect from a really bad parody of a disaster movie. I can't believe that anyone, even Fox, would agree to pay for this shit.

Juju said...

When M. Night was filming one of his movies a few years ago, my favorite morning radio guys sent their then intern over to the set to see if he could get through. He tried to get on the set by telling security that he was M. Night's cousin, Shamalamadingdong. Every time anyone talks about him or his movies, I think of Casey getting escorted off the set for his scheme.

aauais said...

True on the biology teacher info. However, to be fair you high school biology teacher did seem to know a whole lot of the mating behavior of polar bears. That is count for something on the IQ tree. He also had some vertically challenged children - so be nice to him

mike m said...

I watched some of this production filming in a state park outside philly at the end of the summer.
word is that M. Night gets the greenlight on this because at $70 mil, he agreed to work at half the usual budget of an action movie.
after overseas distribution, the film literally can't lose money.
watch for his future films to increasingly feature second tier
actors like John Leguizamo
(who is in the "the Happening"). whats next for him, Cuba Gooding Jr.in the " the 7th Sense" ?

the great thing about your post back in 06 was, it was the link that brought me to "DEM", where I have dropped in about 2-3 times a week since. oh yeah, back then I defended M. Night and you slapped me down good. I have to say all subsequent film evidence from M. Night have proved you to be correct about him.

One-Legged Jenny said...

A movie just like this has already been made, and I can guarantee it was way better than anything M. Night Whatshisface can produce. It's called "The Last Winter," Larry Fessenden directed it, and it's about a bunch of researchers alone on the arctic tundra. It's kind of like an environmentalist horror movie, but actually good. None of this "I'm a tree, I'm angry about pollution, thus I will eat you" nonsense.

Bunche said...

Man. motherfuck M. Knight Shamalamadingdong! THE SIXTH SENSE was good, but I caught the big "twist" when I saw the trailer in the theater, and after that film it was all downhill. Anyone who's ever read a comic book could have told you that UNBREAKABLE was nothing more than a grownup look at the Superman/Luthor dichotomy, and all I have to say about that SIGNS bullshit is what the fuck kind of alien race is smart enough to come up with intersteller travel capability but isn't clever enough not to come to a world that's mostly water, the substance that's deadly to them?

Fuck Shamalan in the ear! He can't even direct a turd out of his own ass. And if he did, he'd call the movie of that monumental event THE DOO-DOOING.