Tuesday, December 04, 2007

And Now, an Open Letter to Al Sharpton


Dear Al,

It's been eating you alive, hasn't it?

You've been sitting there at home, fidgeting like a smack addict in need of a fix, desperate to satisfy the need that drives you 24/7 -- the one that calls out to you in the middle of the night and just won't go away until it's fed.

It's okay Al, I understand. It's not your fault; it's your disease.

You suffer from ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder.

Your body goes into withdrawals when you've been deprived of attention for too long.

It's a common condition these days, although you admittedly have a particularly acute case of it.

How long has it been for you Al? How long has it been since some negligibly curious racial controversy popped into the public consciousness and provided you the perfect gaping hole in which to insert yourself? When was the last time you got the chance to blow what might otherwise have been an innocuous and easily rectifiable situation completely out of proportion -- turning it into an international incident? When were you last afforded the perfect excuse to forego honest, constructive dialogue in favor of Draconian public demagoguery?

How long has it been since you've seen yourself on TV Al?

I know man, it hurts -- which is why Don Imus's return to the airwaves just couldn't have come at a better time.

I mean, despite it having been a legitimately contentious issue, the Jena Six thing worked out really well for you personally: it was just like the 60s what with that big march and all -- with you and Jesse getting to join together to create one big cacophonous wall of righteous indignation. But Imus, well that was your magnum opus -- a masterpiece of misdirection. During that whole sickening malignancy on the logic-and-reason center of the collective American brain you really made your presence known. You were the man of the hour, on every talk show and every panel of discussion, raising all kinds of hell and organizing all sorts of unnecessary marches and protests. You were almost single-handedly responsible for the downfall of a broadcasting icon -- an admittedly irrelevent icon, as easy a target as there ever was, but an icon nonetheless.

How it must've irritated you that Imus managed to somehow pull himself out of the hole you blithely dug for him.

Except that it didn't bother you at all, and you and I both know it.

The second coming of Imus presented you with the perfect Christmas gift: A brand new chance to dredge up all kinds of absurd acrimony over an old man's stupid, offhand comment -- a comment that was so laughably feeble from the outset that it still seems incomprehensible for it to have at one point occupied so much of America's attention.

So, last night, you once again got the fix of that precious spotlight -- the one you've been so desperately craving.

You turned up on Larry King Live, as well as a few other "news" shows. You were again welcomed with open arms and your opinions and supposed conventional wisdom were again treated with respect -- as if they held some sort of significance and weren't, in fact, little more than self-obsessed blather.

You were holding court, and it was good.

But here's the thing -- the big secret that someone with an ego as monumental as yours is probably unwilling or unable to admit to himself: The people who invited you on that show couldn't care less what you think. What you have to say doesn't matter half as much as how you say it. You're an instigator, and that's all that the brain-trusts behind Larry King and Hardball and O'Reilly and the rest of their ilk are looking for.

They want someone who makes for good TV.

They want a clown to entertain their audiences and keep them watching.

And you're it.

You never disappoint. You give them exactly what they're looking for, every single time.

While you sit in a studio howling and whining and haranguing and moralizing, trying as best you can to speak as loudly as you can into the microphone, a television producer turns giddy cartwheels in a control room, knowing that America probably won't be able to turn away.

But what's the harm really?

Everyone's getting what they want, right? You're playing them -- getting all that priceless face-time and maintaining your wholly undeserved place as an authority figure; they're playing you -- using your surefire buffoonery to create the kinds of contrived controversies that translate into one giant ratings bonanza again and again.

In the end, who loses?

We do of course.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Can we get an AMEN!!

Peggy said...

Amazing! Truer words about this megalomaniac could not be imagined.

Bruce said...

Clown is a great description of Mr. Al Sharpton. All he needs is big puffy sleeves, oversized turned up shoes, and his face painted with a goofy smile.

The funniest part of Al Sharpton is he is still on the crusade to monitor Don Imus. I do not think Farid Suleman is going to entertain the "Clown" or the National Association of Black Journalists.

Why not concentrate on real issues Al. You said that the African American people were building pyramids while the white man was living in caves. In that case possibly going to Egypt and start repairing the nose of the Sphynx is in order. That should be good for about 30 years.

I would tune in to watch that. In the mean time I am monitoring Imus for you, and enjoying his program.

Good views Chez. Thank you.

Monique said...

Chez

Srsly best entry ever. So glad I'm not the only one who finds this racist bastard so repulsive.

Anonymous said...

Yes my friend, agree with every word, but i think we should get his views on whether or not he believes the bible....literally, his stance on that issue alone (one way or the other) could make him or break him.

Bobbie said...

You nailed it, young man!

ClevelandScoop said...

You have the right to your opinion and I even respect it. But you emailing it to me smacks of attention seeking
sigmarick

Chez said...

For the benefit of those who come here from other sources:

Most days, I post a morning bulletin on MySpace detailing whatever the latest content is on this site. Call it an "e-mail" if you'd like I suppose.

And of course I'm interested in making sure people read what I write; why the hell would I bother in the first place if that wasn't the case?

Anonymous said...

"that fat fuckin moolinyam at it again, Lisa...what's this neighborhood coming to"

Howard Beach RESIDENT

You're right Chez. However, I still think he was needed in the late 80's early 90's in the racial divides of Queens NY, just to bring out the utter shame of the typical white italian trash from the out-hoods and Long Island. Same shitheads who condoned the Mafia for 75 years.

ClevelandScoop said...

I dont go on myspace this crap was emailed to me...you had to know I am the Cleveland Chapter .Your site is funny and informative but Shapton does not need me to defend him. I agree with some things disagree on others.

sigmarick

Chez said...

Sorry man, hate to debate this with you but I don't send out e-mails and I haven't the slightest idea who you are. Whoever you got something from, it wasn't from me.

Thanks for reading though.

Vermillion said...

Thank you, Chez, I needed to read this today. I had accidentally listened to about five minutes of his radio show and I am still fuming some 6 hours later.

The only people more out there that Sharpton are the folks that actually call in to agree with him. Even he is audibly taken aback with some of the vehemence in those calls.

foolery said...

Larry King is to news as Kevin Costner is to crap. Thank you! I feel a new speech pattern taking shape.

Oh, and Sharptongue? Irrelevant. Ain't it the greatest development? He did it to himself.

-- Swami Dearest

charly gordon said...

irrelevant? i'm not so sure...

let's not forget that this charlatan was invited to address the Democratic Party's nominating convention in Boston a few years ago.

bad enough that he was invited to speak: they actually gave him a standing ovation.

that was the day before i switched my party affiliation to "independent"