Thursday, December 20, 2007

And Now, a Message to the Screen Actor's Guild from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth*

Fuck you people, just fuck you.

I swear to Christ, if I had any kind of worthwhile financial incentive to offer I'd put a fucking bounty on the head of that nebbishy little twat Alan Rosenberg and every other member of the Guild's senior management -- then I'd probably do my impression of the Terminator on Crank and fly my ass out to Beverly Hills to personally hunt down anybody else who's ever tried to pompously convince America that acting is the finest and most worthwhile profession a human being could possibly undertake. (Yes William H. Macy, Richard Dreyfuss and Sean Penn -- that means you assholes.)

It's bad enough that once a year you pretentious turds gather to blow yourselves and each other at the SAG Awards ("By actors, for actors" as you say, which is really no less obnoxious than anyone who throws a party for him or herself -- moreso actually given that it's not necessary since everyone else already lavishes attention and praise on you people at every fucking turn) but to affect such an air of nobility in regard to your supposed "craft," then turn around and try to cast the worst kind of drivel as art while snubbing real talent is as fucking laughable as it is unforgivable.

What the hell am I talking about you ask?

I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy -- one of the worst goddamned shows on television; the kind of dumbass schlock that should've been canceled after two episodes -- once again being recognized with a SAG Award nomination for Best Ensemble Cast, while once again one of the best shows on television gets nothing.

If you fuckers can explain to me why, as the series enters its final season, you still fail to recognize the unequivocal brilliance of Battlestar Galactica, that'd be just awesome. For the past three years, Battlestar has won rave reviews from critics, been voted one of the best shows on television in God knows how many magazines and newspapers, and consistently brought a level of excellence in acting and complexity in storytelling that's rarely seen on the small screen. It's a credit to television, if such a thing is possible.

The show is so good -- the acting on the show is so good -- that overlooking it isn't merely an insult, it's a goddamned travesty.

Look, I understand that the Emmys and the Golden Globes and their ilk basically boil down to a popularity contest: the academies and associations that vote on them feel like they have to justify their beloved guilty pleasures by bestowing on crap shows and movies -- and the actors and actresses in them -- the mantle of quality where there really is none to be found. But you guys -- you're supposed to be the people who recognize and reward the true talent; if you don't, your credibility as an organization is shot, and from what I've seen you arrogant pricks would rather step on a live landmine than undermine the supposed dignity of this silly profession you've chosen. (Yeah, I get it -- it's a tough life waking up for all those auditions and eventually, if you're one of the lucky ones, being paid an obscene amount of money for standing in front of a camera and pretending to be someone else. You shame me with your heroic perseverence in the face of seemingly impossible odds. Someone should name a fucking cancer ward after you.)

It works like this though: nothing you say or do should be taken seriously -- least of all your stupid little self-congratulatory awards show -- until you fuckers can admit that Katee Sackhoff and Edward James Olmos have created infinitely richer, better characters than Katherine Heigl and that kid from Can't Buy Me Love.

But since you couldn't do it this year again -- fuck you.

Just fuck you.

(*As always, the opinions of Garth do not necessarily reflect those of Chez, who in fact liked Richard Dreyfuss quite a bit in Jaws, The Goodbye Girl and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.)


Anonymous said...

While you are completely right about the uppity pretentiousness of the SAG awards, I REALLY think you need to get over Battlestar Galatica thing.

Not all of us who are intelligent or irreverent like this one.

Chez said...

Do I look like your personal jukebox?

You're not paying a subscription fee and as such this isn't a democracy -- If one out of every 50 things I write just isn't doing it for you, hey, feel free to get your own blog.

tamara said...

Garth, I LOOOOOOVE you!

I'm not sure if it's the sleep deprivation or what, but I'm laughing so hard, my screen looks all blurry!

Oh, and Chez, don't ever stop writing........where's the book?

Calitri said...

"By himself, for himself"

The auspicious beginnings of a long masturbatory emission.

BV said...

The new commercials for BSG intrigue me.

/closeted sci-fi channel watcher

Paul said...

I believe the appropriate comment to Garth would be "so say we all!"

dick_gozinia said...

Why is Chez responding for Garth? I'm so confused.

slouchmonkey said...

Dear Garth,

Get stuffed!

Just trying to earn a living doing what I like to do. Just remember, Katee and EJO had to wake up and audition and be rejected and work for nothing and persevere until they were lucky, too.

In conclusion, eat balls.

P.S. I'd pay a subscription to read this sight, though. Maybe. Hell, I'll buy the book. How's that?

John said...

Yes, but the crossover episode where it is revealed that Sandra Oh is the final Cylon will be spectacular.

sparksinner said...

My only question is "why is coming from the evil twin?"

We all know how you feel about this show, so why hide?

I've heard much praise for this show from all kinds of people, including some who were surprised to find themselves getting into a sci-fi show.

In the end we can't be too surprised that the same people who hold themselves in such high regard would throw themselves a giant self-congratulatory circle jerk party.

For the record, I had to stop parking my car a second when I heard the shows being nominated, Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty in particular. Then I heard "The Office" and was saddened at the thought that the crappiest competitor would get the award.

Dave said...

I have a great idea for SAG....

How about a Thunderdome-esque tournament style death match where the survivors win the right to keep churning out crappy television?