Thursday, October 18, 2007

And So It Goes...


Before I attempt to bring any humor at all back to what have admittedly been some pretty dour proceedings on this site over the last month or so, I need to get something out of the way.

It may have seemed recently that my "personal crisis" was a temporary one, or at the very least, that strides were being made in a positive direction.

Unfortunately, neither of these is the case.

There's no way to say this that doesn't make me want to cry.

After three-and-a-half years of marriage and more than five years of being inseparable lovers and best friends, my wife Jayne and I are splitting up.

I've always been honest when it comes to what I write and I've never held back -- often using this forum as a way for me to work through some of the most difficult traumas in my life.

I won't lie, but I will hold back the details this time around.

To say that I'm devastated just wouldn't do the situation any justice. I have no doubt that this is going to be the most painful and heartbreaking thing I've ever had to endure; I already know that nothing I've experienced before -- nothing -- will even come close. I'm sure Jayne feels the same way.

I've made terrible mistakes during our time together. She's made just as many. It's both our faults. It's no one's fault.

At the moment though, the only thing I know for sure is that there's nothing I can do to change this.

Since I began this site, Jayne has been my muse and inspiration, my biggest fan and staunchest defender, and of course, what she's been since the day I met her: the love of my life and a woman I've always been honored to be married to. I've written about her so many times -- mentioned my passion and concern for her in so many different ways -- that I honestly have no idea how I'm going to go on writing without her there.

I never knew romance until Jayne.

Is our separation permanent? Only time will tell I suppose -- although I'd be a fool not to be realistic.

I want to thank everyone who's written words of encouragement, commented and shared their own stories, or just been there with a kind thought over the past few weeks; your good will is appreciated more than you'll ever know.

But no matter how deeply I feel, I still might be making the whole thing sound a little too sterile. Believe me, it's anything but; this is killing me inside.

And writing it out finally makes it seem real.

48 comments:

micheal said...

my words suck in situations like this.
good luck

Calitri said...

I wish there was something I could say, but there isn't.

I'm sorry.

Stay strong. I'll be praying for you both.

-Ray

Anonymous said...

You're a good man Chez.

Not because of what you said, but because of what you didn't.

- A Friend

Anonymous said...

See, this is why I HATE the internet, you read some funny movie reviews on Pujiba, and then they tell you about this great blog...and you go, and you get invested...and WHAM its like you get hit between the eyes...Thank you Chez, for sharing what you have. I wish only the best for you and yours.

winged unicorn said...

that reminds me of what the viking said to the sheep: i never knew happiness until i met ewe. i'm sorry, i could have helped myself and forbore, but i wanted to give in to that evil impulse. and yes, writing it makes it real. acknowledging it makes it so. no more heads in the sand, we are NOT ostrich. some of us may be sheep (behhhhh! behhhhh!) with our butts in the air, but NO heads in the ground, not anymore

Shane said...

Sometimes, the best way to write an ending is simply "..."

I wish you and Jayne both light and love and all those other things that probably seem about a million miles away right now. I won't pretend to know your pain, but know you are both in my prayers.

-s-

girl with curious hair said...

I am sorry that I am not as gifted as you with words--because in times like these I ramble (more than normal) and still can't say what I want. You're both in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the hurt goes away for both of you, and you find your way back to a happier place.

Not Only, But Also Lee said...

Chez,

I only know you through your blog and even though it's so far removed, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach after reading this.

I dunno if that helps, but perfect strangers want you to be ok. Maybe that counts for something?

~Lee

Brenda in the City said...

I am so sorry.

I have only been reading for a few months, but I have read every entry because I enjoy your writing so much. I keep trying to write words that are meaningful and helpful in some way, and of course I have nothing.

I wish you both the best, and I have no doubt that you will both find love in the future.

Shannon from Saskatoon said...

I am sure of one thing in life and that is that we can never understand why love can get hopelessly tangled. It happens and the casualties are personal and hard.
Ha ha, personal in this day and age. It is, as better comics than myself have stated, to laugh. Well..it's a handshake in the funeral parlour here.

Adam said...

Hell with it all, man. Life's a bitch. I think it's all about your satisfaction with it. If neither of you is happy, why belabor the issue? Better to take the gunshot to the arm today than the mortal knife wound to the gut tomorrow. In the end, you never know how it'll heal up. Fresh wounds always seem like they'll bleed forever.

I envy your moxie regardless, and I hold little doubt you'll work in a solid landing to this emotional floor exercise.

largo said...

No, no... this won't be so simple. You can tell just by the things he's said about her in past posts. The heartache will probably and unfortunately last for a long time. I get the impression that this wasn't a mutual decision.

Good luck to you Chez.

Chez said...

Thank you Largo.

Although in the end, yes, it sort of had to be a mutual decision -- no matter how it all started out.

Juju said...

Chez,

After knowing both you and Jayne (ok, I've known her longer) words can't describe how sorry I am for this. I could give you some cliche about how you're never given anything you can't really handle and everything happens for a reason but they won't make the situation better for any of you. Both of you are amazing and all I can say is I hope you are ok.

Danny said...

Take solace in the fact you had this time together. Many of us will never experience what you and Jayne seemed to have shared. Is it truly better to lose at love than to never have loved at all? Who knows. It DOES suck to have paradise only to lose it somehow. You still have the memories and hold on to those you cherish most. I envy you and feel bad for you at the same time. Ain't life grand?

Here's to you. Here's to Jayne. May you both find what you need to find. It's like a fine wine. You only get what's in the bottle...then it's gone.

I've enjoyed your blog immensely and I enjoy hearing what you have to say in good spirits or bad. My heart goes out to you. Keep the chin up. The sun will rise again.

Anonymous said...

thank you Chez.

J

litelysalted said...

I wish I could express something eloquently poignant without fucking it up... But the very least I can say is that I'm sad that I'll never have another chance to tear up Berks County with the two of you. Sigh. I'm sorry, guys.

Snowy said...

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Chez, do not grow old (or even older) alone. There is nothing better than a Jayne out there. Do what you have to do to keep the relationship. Eat any amount of shit necessary, roll in ground glass naked and then bathe in alcohol, lie, compromise, sell your soul, sell her soul, sell my soul----- do anything necessary. Passion is wonderful but fleeting.
The passing of years together is a quiet joy that cannot be duplicated in any other manner. What may seem impossible now is truly not. Don't quit, ever!

Beckylooo said...

sending love...

Dianne said...

I am so sorry Chez.

Sometimes life just sucks big purple ones.

RottweilerTOM said...

If it is fo real, one of you should move to Cali - although Jayne the food is better in NY.

California can be very medicinal

tony said...

Dude.

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

I got nothing.

Anonymous said...

I realize I'm just a stranger and don't know the intimate details of either of your lives, but this feels wrong. I've seen the way you write about Jayne and the way she writes about you. Even the way she looks at you on your myspace page. You two love each other. Try harder.

Just one girl's opinion.

Sara

Chez said...

It's a difficult situation. But thank you Sara.

Janean said...

I've gone back and forth on whether I should comment on this; it seems sort of presumptuous to say anything about a stranger's personal life.

But I just wanted to say that although you are a total stranger to me I felt so disappointed and sad for you when I read this post.

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now, and have always enjoyed your writing - even when I disagreed at times with what you had to say.

I would never presume to give you advice, but I hope that whatever happens you will hang in there and get through it and eventually find healing.

*jane said...

i always appreciate some well placed words during hard times. maybe it's the same for you too.

you had time, ani-
you are a china shop and i am a bull
you are really good food and i am full
i guess everything is timing
i guess everything's been said
so i am coming home with an empty head...

probably doesn't make you feel better, but maybe it will help you let something out.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Unless one of you found someone else or there is some sort of hugely fundamental difference between you (e.g. one of you wants kids and the other doesn't), to end it like this ... it's a cop-out. If you love and inspire each other as much as you claim you do, you can work things out. The question is--which one of you doesn't want that? Who's made up his/her mind that this is it, you're done?

I wish you peace.

Mark said...

Chez,

I've deligently been reading your blog for close to a year now and never commented. Your writing... is captivating, your life and musings engrossing. It was refreshing to have someone be so open about their life without having to give anything in return. I know that may sound selfish, but perhaps your site was my one guilty pleasure from the internet. But damn man... the things you've written these last few months about Jayne drag the better part of my personality out from hiding just so I can hopefully give you some support in what is obviously a horrible time for you.

Like all these other internet strangers, we're here for you Chez, and we're counting on you too. Stay strong.

julie said...

How can you think about yourself at a time like this? Don't you know Oprah has a thyroid condition? My god, man! First she has hyperthyroidism then hypothyroidism; how much is she to bear?

If I wasn't so busy organizing the bake sale (all proceeds will go to whatever charity Oprah establishes to combat this evil) and making the appointment at my doctors 'cause I just bet this condition is what has made my ass so fat and lazy (Oprah said it is something we all have in common! Look it up!); I would extend a heartfelt:

Fuck. I am so sorry. I really hope that when you arrive on the other side of this, no matter the outcome, you will find some measure of peace. And I'd probably go so far as to offer one of those nausea-inducing "virtual hugs" and echo/modify an earlier poster who figures that imperfect strangers wanting you to be OK must count for something.

But I've no time for that; these four-colour flyers advertising the bake sale (Sunday morning outside the Fluff-n-Fold!) won't staple themselves to the telephone poles!

Stevie said...

Hi Chez,
I've been absent both from my own blog, and checking yours out for quite some time. The usual stuff, work, life etc.

I can see I've dropped back in at a very difficult point in life for you.

I just want to offer my very best wishes for you both. I've been down this road and I genuinely feel for you. Good luck my friend.

Alice said...

nothing hurts like losing the love of your life...

been there.

wish you weren't.

I knew you needed that hug...

I am so sorry. :(

Schwa said...

I'm very sorry. Good luck to you both.

lakelady said...

like others have said, I have no words.

just a virtual hug if you want one.

Anonymous said...

My sympathies are with you both. I can't imagine how difficult this will be but I'll be thinking of you and hope things work out for the best.

- Kara

trish said...

I've been a reader of this blog for quite awhile. I've read every single thing you've ever posted as well as all the comments. And that's what makes this so strange. I obviously don't know you, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But I've never seen a couple that's so vocal about their love for each other. If anything you've said about one another is real, then you need to get over whatever's wrong and save this. Love isn't easy. But it also isn't easy to come by. You seem to have a bond that most folks can only dream about.

Chez said...

Once again, thank you. I have to believe it's been real.

Amusing Bunni said...

Hi Chez!
Another Internet Stranger Here. I found you from myspace, and have been reading your great blogs for about a year now. I always thought you two had the perfect love and marriage and were so lucky, living the fab, jetsetting life in NYC. To tell you the truth, I was a little jealous. I've never found anything close to that in my dating life, and never have been married. Cynic that I am, I probably never will...Anyway, Well, if it's truly irrevocably over, what can you do? You've been through so much with your health problems and whatever else. It's good to keep some things private. I've always respected how you share so much of your thoughts and you really are the epitome of "keeping it real".

So, All I can say is I wish you much luck in the future. Whatever happens, you have a great talent and at the end of the day, and the end of life, we are all fundamentally alone. Maybe some separation will be good, and you might get back together. Maybe not. Who knows what is meant to be. If not, at least you have a nice time while it lasted, for what, 5 years, that's a long time, when you think about it.

Don't know what else to say except life can suck sometimes. Take care of yourself and your health and don't drive yourself miserable by dwelling on things too long...that will just prolong the agony. Think about all the good things you DO have and have going for you, not what you DON't have!
Good Luck, Bunni

PS: I'm sure you know how they say all the great writers are tortured and go through a whole lot of pain and such, so if nothing else, you might use this in your writings down the road. You could even fictionalize it if you don't want it to be in your memoirs, (just a helpful thought).
Take Care.

rayray said...

I've been ruminating on what to say for awhile, not that it will matter much in the grand scheme of life, this virtual community I mean, but I feel like I have to comment. What you write always impacts or touches me, and I am weirdly distraught over what you've been hinting at recently, with no real reason why since I don't know you or Jayne at all.

It's been one year for me, since I ended things with my 7 year partner. Almost to the day, which is weird. I guess what I have to say is that life was always lived in perfect little stages, set a goal and accomplish the task, move seamlessly forward, until one day it all falls to shit. For me that's what happened. Life isn't linear, other than the fact that we age every day. My only saving grace is realizing that in the end, all I'll be left with is myself, and the people I've loved and hated along the way have made me who I am. They'll always be a part of me, they're never going to leave.

You're a pretty awesome guy, from what I've read, and I hope you're okay, maybe not today, but some day.

Anonymous said...

While I agree with you in terms of how much you love Jayne - as evidenced by your professions on this blog - I don't think the feelings are as mutual. When 2 people love each other uncoditionally and both are vested emotionally equally in a relationship then you don't walk out or quit. Once the walkout happens things never return to baseline. It is foolish to think the other person will come back and when it happens it usually is not for a long time anyway. Once things get tough again then there is always the door he/she came and went through. It is too easy from the moment you leave once to do it again. I wish you luck but success is likely only if both people say I am not leaving, I am not quitting on this relationship. When both people are truly in love they dont' quit or give up.

I hope you find someone someday who loves you as much you love them

Swami Dearest said...

I'm very sorry to read this, Chez.

-- Laurie

doctor robert ibach said...

i'm not going to bother trying to give any advice on this, at least not here. i'm not there. i try (whether intelligently or not) to trust people to always do what they think is best... and that especially applies to my siblings --all 9 of them. i love you both, and i'm so sorry this is happening.

slouchmonkey said...

If she's been all those things. And, you've been all those things to her. Do not let it go. I played golf with a couple recently. They've been married almost 60 years. Six decades. After the round I naively asked, "How did you make it so long?" She simply replied, "Make it through the rough times."

My two-cents.

Good luck and best wishes to you both.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

I don't even remotely have the words to say how sorry I am for you both. Good Luck. God Bless. Stay Strong.

Blue said...

the pain of divorce changed who i was forever.

coming out the other side will surely see you in a different light. one way or another.

i can only over *hugs and thoughts.

jfish

Taryn said...

Words don't cut it - but my heart does go out to you, both.

Zoe said...

I'm so sorry Chez. The best I can say is that from the pictures you've posted and the stories you've shared, you and Jayne seem to have a real true connection I envy you that.

I wish you both the best. You can do this, even if it's one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I know you're pretty blue right now. I won't insult you by saying anything trite about "moving on" or "getting over it".

Times like these I try to remember that joy and pain are inextricably linked. Two ends of the same spectrum. Without one you can never have the other.

I'll leave you with the immortal words of Tom Waits:

Well I've lost my equilibrium and my car keys and my pride,

The tattoo parlor's warm, and so I hustle there inside

And the grinding off the buzz-saw, "What you want that thing to say?"

I says, "Just don't misspell her name, buddy, she's the one that got away"

Clay