Thursday, October 18, 2007
And So It Goes...
Before I attempt to bring any humor at all back to what have admittedly been some pretty dour proceedings on this site over the last month or so, I need to get something out of the way.
It may have seemed recently that my "personal crisis" was a temporary one, or at the very least, that strides were being made in a positive direction.
Unfortunately, neither of these is the case.
There's no way to say this that doesn't make me want to cry.
After three-and-a-half years of marriage and more than five years of being inseparable lovers and best friends, my wife Jayne and I are splitting up.
I've always been honest when it comes to what I write and I've never held back -- often using this forum as a way for me to work through some of the most difficult traumas in my life.
I won't lie, but I will hold back the details this time around.
To say that I'm devastated just wouldn't do the situation any justice. I have no doubt that this is going to be the most painful and heartbreaking thing I've ever had to endure; I already know that nothing I've experienced before -- nothing -- will even come close. I'm sure Jayne feels the same way.
I've made terrible mistakes during our time together. She's made just as many. It's both our faults. It's no one's fault.
At the moment though, the only thing I know for sure is that there's nothing I can do to change this.
Since I began this site, Jayne has been my muse and inspiration, my biggest fan and staunchest defender, and of course, what she's been since the day I met her: the love of my life and a woman I've always been honored to be married to. I've written about her so many times -- mentioned my passion and concern for her in so many different ways -- that I honestly have no idea how I'm going to go on writing without her there.
I never knew romance until Jayne.
Is our separation permanent? Only time will tell I suppose -- although I'd be a fool not to be realistic.
I want to thank everyone who's written words of encouragement, commented and shared their own stories, or just been there with a kind thought over the past few weeks; your good will is appreciated more than you'll ever know.
But no matter how deeply I feel, I still might be making the whole thing sound a little too sterile. Believe me, it's anything but; this is killing me inside.
And writing it out finally makes it seem real.