Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Big Bang Theory


BAGHDAD, IRAQ (AP) -- A U.S. soldier serving in Iraq is crediting divine intervention with saving his life after he was shot last week.

Army PFC Brendan Schweigart, 22, was recovering a broken-down tank in Rustamiyah, Iraq, when a sniper hit him from behind.

The bullet entered the back of his left arm and went through his arm and chest where it exited, lodging in a Bible he happened to be carrying in a pocket between his body-armor and himself. The bullet from the high-powered rifle likely could have ricocheted off of his protective armor and re-entered his chest had it not been stopped by the small Army-issue Bible.

None of his major organs were hit and PFC Schweigart is expected to make a full recovery.

In the wake of this seemingly miraculous incident, President Bush has ordered the Pentagon to immediately begin production on a new kind of body armor to be made entirely out of Bibles.

The ACLU plans to file suit to halt the move, demanding that the Army instead begins issuing copies of Madonna's steel-plated Sex book to all soldiers in the field.

7 comments:

Nate said...

--The ACLU plans to file suit to halt the move, demanding that the Army instead begins issuing copies of Madonna's steel-plated Sex book to all soldiers in the field.

That'll boost morale!!

max said...

Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?

Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.

Jules: Yeah, man, that's what it means. That's exactly what it means! God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.

Vincent: I think we should be going now.

Jules: Don't do that! Don't you fucking do that! Don't blow this shit off! What just happened was a fucking miracle!

Vincent: Chill the fuck out, Jules, this shit happens.

Jules: Wrong! Wrong, this shit doesn't just happen.

Vincent: Do you wanna continue this theological discussion in the car, or at the jailhouse with the cops?

Jules: We should be fuckin' dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!

Vincent: Okay man, it was a miracle, can we leave now?

Anonymous said...

I would believe this now that Rove is gone, Bush's way of appealing to the religious right...

Vermillion said...

"issuing copies of Madonna's steel-plated Sex book to all soldiers in the field."

I would laugh, but every time that book is brought up, the frightening image of Madonna sandwiched between Kool Moe Dee and Vanilla Ice destroys another few brain cells.

Time to look at MLP again. Mmmmm.

Lily's Mommy said...

So then, why didn't god stop the guy from being shot at all??? Maybe a bunched up playboy in his vest would have done the same thing. Then he could thank his centerfold.

Dave said...

This is just me, and lord knows i've been wrong before, but i imagine that if he had a bunched up playboy that it wouldn't have been stuffed in his vest.

Lorenzo said...

It would be a much much cooler story if it had been a playboy. . .Maybe the start of a beautiful love story between Army Pfc. Brendan Schweigart and Miss August.