Thursday, July 12, 2007

You Can't Handle the Pool

Jack shows you how to cool off during these hot days of Summer.

(Today's "Project Office Mayhem" assignment: quietly put the above link up on every computer in your office, then crank all the speakers to full volume. Mischief Points: 12)


Anonymous said...


VOTAR said...

Have you ever spent time in the deep end, son?

Ever swam the breast stroke?

Ever put your towel in another man's hands, or asked him to put his in yours?

We swim laps, son. We swim laps or people die. It's that simple. Are we clear?

Lifeguard Santiago was a sub-standard lifeguard... sometimes swimmers take matters into their own hands.

You want chlorine?

You can't handle the chlorine!

Son, we live in a world that has pools. And those pools have to be guarded by men with chrome whistles and Speedo trunks. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater capacity for holding my breath than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the lifeguards. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That Santiago's sunscreen, while oily and papaya scented, probably saved lives. And my existence, while flabby and lacking in melanin to you, saves lives.

You don't want to swim. Because deep down, in places near that scary dark square grill at the bottom that you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that pool. You need me in that pool.

We use words like coco butter, snorkle...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who bobs and paddles under the floral pattern umbrella of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said "MARCO" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a floaty-tube and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Chez said...

I love you man.

Anonymous said...

Votar's fucking AWESOME!!

Dev said...

Holy shit Votar, that was so fuckin' brilliant.

Chez said...

The great Votar and I used to do a radio show together back in Miami.

I would pretty much set a four-year-old on fire and kick him in the face while he was burning alive to get us back on the air together.

Anybody listening out there in radio-land?



K-SHIT All-Talk AM, Tuscon?

VOTAR said...

Tucson was a fairly nice town, if I recall.