Friday, August 03, 2007

Un-American Top 40

I really am trying to take some time off (I swear), so as promised, here's the thoroughly self-indulgent and basically just space-occupying list of my favorite 40 columns of the past year-and-a-half.

40. I deny the existence of Jesus (while making fun of James Cameron) and live to tell about it. ("I'm the King of the Jews!"/2.27.07)

39. I show you what it was like growing up in a war-zone. (A History of Violence/11.1.06)

38. I am one very pissed off Disney character. (Tigger with Attitude/1.8.07)

37. I compare Gene Simmons to David Hasselhoff. (Kitsch a Falling Star/8.7.06)

36. I assert that everything you know is bullshit. (Return of the Attack of the Creeping Surrealism/9.20.06)

35. I present to you (drumroll please), the single dumbest thing I've witnessed in 15 years of working in television news. (Ship of Fools/6.17.06)

34. I defend a gay, drug-using preacher. (Sympathy for the Reverend/11.5.06)

33. I claim that the Foo Fighters are better than Nirvana, hip-hop stopped being good 15 years ago, and that I owe my life to a guy named Robert Rivero. (Shut Up. Listen. Learn./11.19.06)

32. I get a rather nasty e-mail from a group of gun enthusiasts in Virginia, and respond in kind. (Blow Back/6.21.07)

31. I give you a glimpse inside New York's hippest hotel -- and at the spoiled celebrities who make life a living hell for its staff. (Veruca Assault/10.26.06)

30. I explain how 9/11 saved my life, as well as the soul of our country (at least temporarily). (Five Years On: 9/11 in Two Parts: Part 1/9.11.06) (Five Years On: 9/11 in Two Parts/9.18.06)

29. I am Oprah's secret plan to own Rachael Ray and Barack Obama. (There's No "I" in Oprah/10.25.06)

28. I have an idea what it will take to stop the brutal tradition of "honor killings," but you might not like it. (Killing in the Name Of/5.17.07)

27. I deserve to be made fun of, and The Daily Show is more than happy to oblige. (Ripped from the Headlines/2.20.07)

26. I examine the curious case of Michael Richards and wonder if it's possible to spout racist language without actually being a racist. (The Nth Degree/11.21.06)

25. I introduce you to the toughest, meanest woman in Iraq: My ex-wife. (Bulletproof Hearts/3.25.07)

24. I hang out with 15-year-olds at a My Chemical Romance concert, and ask if you've got a problem with that. (The Kids are Alright/4.2.07)

23. I finally find it: The biggest, most infuriating non-issue to ever be shoved down the throat of the American public. (Jock Bitch: The Ongoing Saga of Imusgate/4.13.07)

22. I go to rehab (yeah, yeah, yeah). (Welcome to the Monkey House/6.4.07)

21. I am Osama bin Laden. (And Now, a Very Special Holiday Message from al-Qaeda/12.20.06)

20. I come to the aid of a damsel in distress -- well, a reporter in a bikini anyway. (Career Suicide Blonde/7.12.07)

19. I advocate the "final solution" to the Ann Coulter problem. (A Modest Proposal/6.27.07)

18. I truly am sorry for all that Anna Nicole Smith crap on your television. (And Now, an Apology in the Form of an Open Letter to America/2.15.07)

17. I have a very bad day at the office. (Adventures in Passive-Aggression/6.25.07)

16. I am the Prince of Darkness. (And Now, a Message from Satan/9.19.06)

15. I am George W. Bush. (Tempus Id'jit/9.27.06)

14. I need anti-depressants. (The Dreams in which I'm Dying/12.19.06)

13. I decipher the secret meaning of "The Knut Song." (Fight Cub/4.10.07)

12. I cover the verdict in the O.J. Simpson civil trial. (If You Want Blood, You've Got It/11.16.06)

11. I have a plan to bring down American Idol. (One Little Indian/4.5.07)

10. I get into a fight with a hugely successful and equally egomanical Hollywood director. (Welcome to My M. Nightmare/7.18.06)

9. I meet a man who's going to be executed in 24 hours. (Things to Do in Texas When You're Dead/8.25.06)

8. I present an infuriating personal example of how religion is child abuse. (Jesus Loves Me, This I Know; For My Parents Tell Me So/10.8.06)

7. I sympathize with child molesters and play To Catch a Hack Journalist with NBC's Chris Hansen. (Idiot vs. Predator/3.1.07)

6. I come face-to-face with the woman I've fantasized about since she stepped out of a pool and unhooked her red bikini top on film back in 1981. (Girls, Girls, Girls: Part 1: Heaven's Cates/5.4.07)

5. I become an overnight sensation, thanks to a bunch of douchebags. (2006: Year of the Douchebag/1.5.07)

4. I contemplate a young boy's uncertain future, while remembering a young girl's tragic past -- the first girl I ever loved. (The Part that Never Comes Home/1.21.07)

3. I have a tumor the size of a pinball removed from my brain. (Where Is My Mind?: Part 1/10.12.06) (Where Is My Mind?: Part 2/12.26.06)

2. I will never forgive NBC News for its shameful exploitation of the Virginia Tech massacre in the name of ratings, and neither should you. (The Tapes of Wrath/4.20.07)

1. I go looking for Maxine Turner, and end up utterly heartbroken. (And All That Could Have Been/4.19.07)


lakelady said...


Anonymous said...

The Oprah thing kills me... just fucking brilliant.

Manny said...

What size do you want your Deus Ex Malcontent T-Shirt?

Nancy said...

Been away for a couple of weeks and return to discover your blog's new look -- quite spiffy. The new photograph, however, looks uncharacteristically coy . . . .

Anonymous said...

large please

Anonymous said...

the Knut song was fucking hillarious. When I showed a collegaue at work (1st year), his mentor (who is first generation german) and younger then me however professionally ahead, told him my e-mail was totally inappropriate. It was fucking funny, period! Thanks Chez

Chez said...

I love being called inappropriate.

Your friend's mentor wouldn't happen to be residing somewhere in Brazil right now, would he?

Uncle Sam said...

to catch an i-jacker? how does chris horner sleep at night?

Paul said...

I have read everyone of these posts, most of which are brand new since I am recent convert, and I am simultaneously thrilled and heartbroken that your pick for #1 is the very entry that introduced me to your blog in the first place. It still resonates in my soul everytime I read it.

Chez said...

I would never claim that writing about Max constituted my "favorite" -- but it was the one that most said what I wanted and needed it to say.