Sunday, July 01, 2007

Silly Joel


Joel Siegel, the longtime movie critic for ABC's Good Morning America, who was known both for his bounteous moustache and his simplistic, pithy and 100% blurb-ready reviews ("Pirates of the Caribbean is a swashbuckling good time; run, don't walk the plank to see it!") died last Friday after a long battle with colon cancer.

He may be gone, but his god-awful corniness -- as well as his willingness to distill entire films down to one or two ridiculous lines -- will be with us forever, or, as Joel himself might say, "We'll always have puns."

So, with that in mind, I give you ten things that Joel Siegel said just before he died:

1. "This cancer just kills me!"

2. "Just when I thought it was safe to go back into chemotherapy!"

3. "I guess Heaven Can't Wait!

4. "This is even worse than 'Death Becomes Her' -- 'cause death will definitely be coming for me!"

5. "There'll be no "Dawn" after this "Dead!"

6. "'The Terminal' has left me breathless!'"

7. "In hell, no one can hear me scream!"

8. "I died laughing!"

9. "Kevin Smith! From hell's heart I stab at thee -- for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!"

10. "At least there won't be a sequel!"

10 comments:

satan's down home spicy bbq sauce said...

now i know who'll be writing satan's weekly newsletter in hell. please, put in a good word for me. i want to write the advice column.

cyniclvr said...

Genius! Pure, evil genius. Thanks for the Sunday laugh. I will appreciate your company in hell, where I am certainly going for laughing uproariously at this post.

Gary said...

"In a world where colon cancer kills a movie critic, one man has the courage to mock that critic. And that man is Chez!"

Vermillion said...

First the Benoit piece, now this. I really wish I had a clip of Conan singing "I'ma gonna go to hell when I die". It just seems to appropriate.

Anonymous said...

This is totally off topic, but I had an incredible sex dream about you. That's the power of your vitriolic yet refreshing internet monologue. Thanks.

RottweilerTOM said...

Now only if we can fucking eradicate colon cancer, and also, Michael Medved.

TeenieBopper said...

You know, I was kind of hoping for a condo on the lake. But you, sir, have a high rise penthouse reserved. Kudos to you.

Please invite me to your parties.

Chez said...

Hmm, not a lot of dreams to speak of -- but I've certainly had a few sexual encounters with you Anonymous.

QueBarbara said...

I didn't want to post before Votar, because his comments always kick ass, but here's my contribution:

"I could give a half ass about this movie"

"When they said that it took a lot of guts to make this movie; I didn't realize that they weren't speaking metaphorically."

VOTAR said...

"YOU THRILLED TO HIM IN SUCH MOVIES AS:

HARD TO WATCH
ABOVE THE MARQUEE
MARKED FOR RE-RELEASE
OUT FOR A POPCORN
ON DEADLY STADIUM SEATING
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DECISION
INTO THE MULTIPLEX


NOW, GET READY FOR HIS MOST ACTION-PACKED -- "

What?
Yeah. Yes.
Yes my IFB is on, what?
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Uh...

It says Siegal.
Siegal. S,I,E,G,A,L.

Yeah. Steven Seagal.

What?

Joel. Who the fuck is Joel?

God dammit!
Is Don on the phone? Get Don on the phone, right now!

Every fucking time.

I gotta come out of an up-tempo blog post and do a bit about a fucking movie critic dying?

Ponderous, man, Fucking ponderous.