Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Terror Alert Level Has Been Raised To "BOO!"

Homeland Security Director and winner of the "Balok Puppet" look-a-like contest at Trek-Con 2007 Michael Chertoff is issuing an ominous warning about the potential for upcoming terrorist activity.

During a nationwide news conference yesterday, Chertoff said that we have two earth minutes to surrender or be annihilated he believes al-Qaeda is planning a major attack on the United States to be carried out this summer.

And just what startling new information made him feel it was imperative that he immediately take to the airwaves and make everyone aware of the imminent danger?

He said he has a "gut feeling," and that al-Qaeda generally finds summer "appealing."

That's all.

So, in case you missed that, let me reiterate: The man in charge of keeping every man, woman and child in America safe from harm is basing his threat matrix on, if I remember correctly, the kind of thing that used to get Starsky & Hutch thrown out of Captain Dobey's office every few episodes -- and because "terrorists like summer."

Well, every time this administration has claimed it has legitimate proof of something it's turned out to be bullshit.

At this point, why shouldn't Chertoff just go ahead and let himself be the ex cathedra equivalent of that homeless guy who carries the sign that says: WHY LIE? I NEED A BEER!


greyhair said...


But wait a minute. You missed the best part of his interview. He said that he bases his fears on al Qaeda training activities at bases in the "Afghan-Pakistan" border area.

As I said on my blog, excuse me. Aren't we occupying Afghanistan and isn't Pakistan our buddy in the GWOT? Wasn't the whole purpose of all the B.S. over these years to, at a minimum, not have training bases in Afghanistan or Pakistan? Isn't Chertoff's statement a defacto admission that the GWOT has been a total failure?

Anonymous said...

Finally, I get some damn recognition! Woo!

Chertoff: Fuckoff.

girl with curious hair said...

I heard this announcement every 15 minutes on Headline News today, as I was waiting to be called to serve on a jury. Unbelievable! I have to trust the gut instincts of a gutless Skelator look-alike? His GUT? Not the mounting evidence that chaos is spilling out of everywhere on a daily basis, but on his gut and the seasonal preferences of a terrorist group.

And my taxes pay his salary. God save us.

Harris said...

Balock? Nah, man. That's Ming the Merciless.

Flash! Aaaa!

Al said...

"We will go after terrorists and those that harbor terrorists...unless they're Pakistan, because that would be hard and uh, stuff. So we'll go after...*looks at map* Iraq! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

It'd be so damn funny if it weren't so goddamn not.

John said...

Just writing in to apologize to you, your wife, and your readers.

I have no excuse for the venom I have unleased upon you. All I can say is, I'm about to go into rehab and I'm realizing you coming out the other side of your story set me off in some way. No excuse, just coming to grips with the damage I've created. Believe it or not, you guys are the least I've done.

Be well, man. Sorry.

Chez said...

Just strange.

Well John, I'll give you this -- you really know how to make an impression.

Look man, the only comments I've ever had a problem with -- the ones I usually don't print or fire back against -- are the personal attacks. Yes, ironic given my willingness to be such a hostile smart-ass sometimes, but I never claimed to be fair.

The bottom line is that I have to assume that you have no idea who I really am (even if we happen to have met at some point and I'm unaware) -- nor do I know who you are, which means that attacking each other via a comment board is admittedly very silly.

I'll say this: Obviously, if you're serious, then I really do wish you the best.

Calitri said...

Uh oh. I generally find summer appealing. Does that mean I'm turning al-Qaeda (similar to turning Japanese from what I hear) or worse, I already have and don't even know it?

Also, I have a gut feeling. It's called hunger. Time to hit Chipotle before America blows up.

Oh, and just a little aside: I think everyone could and should carry that sign.